Starfleet Command Doxxes Planarity

[Grumph]

In an unprecedented move, Starfleet Command has put out a press release this morning revealing the alter-alias of beloved retired Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

His conduct in recent hours on a popular emulated EverQuest mmorpg server called Project 1999 was deemed unbecoming of an officer.

However, rather than facing public backlash from either denying the famous Captain of some pension benefits or besmirching his illustrious record (having boldly gone where no man has gone before) - they decided to simply unmask his current escapades under the pseudonym "Planarity."

When asked what specifically lead to this decision, Starfleet Command referenced the following public statment:

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Of course, those of us who know and love Captain Kirk for his adventures in space might have made the connection just as easily ourselves.

Seeing in Planarity that same winsome never die attitude.

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One of our crack reporters were able to press for more from Star Command on their way to the translocator room:

"We've indulged this sort of behavior before from Kirk. Frankly, winning against the Klingons is one thing, but abusing fellow Federation Citizens on a free server? I'm happy to let the public decide for themselves."

Captain Kirk of course was given a star of commendation for his performance in the academy on the Kobeyashi Maru training simulation.

He can be seen here explaining his strategy in 1982:

Changing the Conditions of The Test


"He's been pulling the same stunt since he was a little kid"

explained Winona Kirk, the aging mother of Jame Kirk (AKA Planarity) before sharing with us a family photo from when he was 6:

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We sought out the wayward Officer Planarity for comment this morning. Unfortunately we were unable to reach him directly as he was last seen skydiving.

Before jumping out of the plane, one of the attendants overheard him give the following comment:

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Our reporters are on the ground as we speak. Tune in tonight at 5 for an update on this breaking news situation.