I'm a VIP with the TSA

[r00t]

I am such a great contributor of society and frequent flyer that I was automatically selected to be a VIP.

VIP Perks:

• 90 seconds, not 90 minutes to get through security
• don't gotta take off shoes
• don't gotta take laptop out of its bag
• don't gotta get radiated by body scanners (not that I ever did, patdowns all day son)
• greeted friendly and chuckle with the tsa at the peasants instead of being eyed at like a errorist

On that note, US Airways is the dumbest fucking airline on the planet.

First of all their planes are from like the 1960's. No power outlets. No radio jacks. No TVs, anywhere, let alone your own on the back of the seats. They still have the lit no smoking signs in 2014.

So I'm on a USAirways flight from Phoenix to San Diego (45 minute flight) today when right before takeoff "uhhh, this is your captain speaking.... yea the plane just broke down, maintenance is coming out". It's like wtf, what if we took off and shit broke after you morans??

So maintenance does their thing for 30 minutes. "uhhh, this is your captain speaking.... I got good news n bad news. We fixed the plane, but San Diego is too foggy for this piece of shit plane to fly into" So we sit on the tar mat and burn 2,000lbs of jet fuel for 2 hours. At this point I figured I'd be sleepin in a pheonix airport chair since the fog never lets up in daygo til mornin

"uhhh, this is your captain speaking.... we're taxi'ing back to the gate to refuel and deplane. We'll leave your luggage on here so we can reboard SUPER QUICK when we get the clear skies in San Diego"

"uhhh, this is your captain speaking.... yea we're gonna deplane AND take the luggage, so yea.... but its cool yall been waiting forever theres snacks and water bottles."

get some nasty ass generic crackers and a nature bar thing.... I was literally off the plane for about 45 seconds

"uhhh, this is your ticket scanner lady person.... fuk. grab your luggage and gtf back on the plane we are morans... youre goin to daygo now dog"

so we take forever to board. Now its like, 3 hours from when we were supposed to have already landed. We go to the runway and camp out

"uhhh, this is your captain speaking.... yea about that fog thing, we need another 30 mins"

"uhhh, this is your captain speaking.... yea about that fog thing, we need another 45 mins"

"uhhh, this is your captain speaking.... yea about that fog thing, we need another 90 mins... the airline has decided to cancel the flight lol"

by now everyone hootin and hollerin a storm. We take forever to taxi in and get off greeted by business cards for a "discounted hotel" and "please call this 800 number for a new ticket"

So I call and wait on hold for like half an hour and explain everything to the guy who doesn't know what the fuck is going on. Then hes like ""uhhh, this is your guy who doesn't know what the fuck is going on speaking.... yea you should start running across the airport because theres another flight leaving in like 15 minutes"

So I say fukkit run over. We sit around on the runway for 20 mins and finally take off. All the people like me from the cancelled flight tellin the newbies that was nothin. Then we get to San Diego and had to fly around in circles for about an hour before the fog cleared enough to land. I popped a 200mg caffeine pill and blasted tupac doin 117 kilocubits per hour (capped by my cars speed governor) down the I-5