The Reason I Am Fat

[Hasbinfat]

So I just had a thought, and like all my thoughts, I instantly decided to make a thread about it.

Some of you may be wondering just how I got so fat. Do I eat huge orders of fast food often? Binge eat on ice cream? Drink 2-liter bottles of soda while making quadruple posts on elf forum? Yes, I do all of those things. But the main reason I am fat goes beyond that--

You see, as a nurse, I wasn't quite sharp enough to make it was a physician or, hell, even a nurse practitioner or physician assistant. Beyond that, the real reason I decided to become a nurse is because of the greatest rule in medicine: the sick and dying rarely finish their food, and close behind: hospital food is exceptional.

One of my favorite pastimes is dropping into the cancer ward and going from room to room eating the jello cups off the food trays. Usually the terminal patients even leave some barbecue chicken which I enthusiastically consume. I basically eat all the leftover food in the hospital, and sometimes when I notice a particularly generous serving of ice cream headed to a room, I follow it and add a bit of morphine to the drip so the patient falls asleep. Then the ice cream is mine.

I spend all of my time doing this, however, and I'm usually fired pretty quickly. That's how I manage to spend all my time making garbage threads on this forum. But I always make sure to pocket a jar of peanut butter before I go, so that the next time I go on a diet, I have something to eat with my celery sticks.