A Halfling's Odyssey

[Kekephee]

As he drifted 'pon the wings of time
Filbus felt the hands of Gods toying with him
Like the slimy hands of that Lecherous Sheriff
That touched Filbus, when he was a wee lad.

Allegations of pederasty amongst the guardians of the Vale shake Norrath to its very core

[captnamazing]

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~~7~~
How many Gods are there for Akanon?
Who is it that protects the Gnomes? Defends
Them from those who wish to steal their secrets
Curses those who succeed in doing so?

Filbus wandered in a maddened trance
Wondering at his unexpected misfortune.
Explaining to the palms the peril of his plight
Scraping his knees on immobile rocks.

An adroit gnome named Xiblin found
our hero raving, lips bleeding, on the ground
He took the halfling to his house, fed him
Gave him water and a bed to rest in.

For several days our halfling slept
He dreamt of Yola's Sweetcookie and all
the rest of the whores of Rivervale.
Whom he so fondly visited in his youth

When Filbus awoke, he met with Xiblin.
They held council in the ancient ruins
And Filbus knew this was a cousin to his friend
The esteemed Nibblewitz, the Sorcerer

The one who wields the epic staff
and successfully cast Disintegrate upon the world
He who traverses unimaginable spans of space
While his temporal being remains constant.

There was no doubt, Filbus imagined
For this Xiblin was an arcane scientist himself
A great archaeologist. He had unearthed many
Forgotten remnants of a glorious and bloody past.

Xiblin told Filbus the greatest secret.
He had discovered an ancient combine spire
In the watery depths of the distant South!
He had scribed the map upon his shovel.

Filbus demanded the shovel from Xiblin
He told the gnome that the shovel was the key
to take him to the side of his One True Love
and to deliver him from the Torment of the Gods

But Xiblin denied. “I need the shovel to dig,”
he explained lamely. “I would gladly swap
you for another shovel, if you have one!”
Filbus did not. Xiblin died.

[captnamazing]

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Xiblin was no match for our mighty warrior
Yet, he caused by magic the map to be erased
From the shovel's face. A final curse.
And Xiblin died with a smile upon his lips.

Perceiving the gnome's treachery, Filbus
Cackled. Was this the best the gods could conceive?
He took the shovel and smote Xiblin's skull
Leaving behind jellied remains for the crabs.

Filbus set out to the south, whereupon
He had many adventures and misadventures
Mistaking a broken druid ring for his destination
Being ambushed by the ferocious raptors

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On a destitute stretch of ceaseless sea
Filbus realized how stupid he had been
He snatched his Leatherfoot Raider Skullcap
From his bags and activated it!

[captnamazing]

Alas, there was no charge. For he was a nub
But lo! Was there not a great stone wall
rearing from the fathomless depths below?
Filbus thought, Surely here is my salvation!

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He came by underwater passages
To the center of a volcanic remnant
A mountain that remembered the distant
Battles, when the dragons fought the gods.

This was a most heavenly island
But a quick tour revealed Filbus was wrong
Here were not the ancient combine spires
Here were black guys and a dwarf drinking rum

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Using his riches, Filbus purchased
Many bottles of Captain Oriin's fine ale
He quaffed heavily of these ignoble potions
and slumbered deep upon the dwarf's bed

In the morning they kicked him out
“You are loud and drunk” the infidels said
And Filbus was too cottonmouthed and tired
To take up blade and cut out their hearts.

As he fled their paradisal island,
headed west, to where he knew he must,
he thought on his new friends pitifully,
was that not a marvelous slice of culture?

He made his drunken way to the western rim
Fought a fire gator and killed the beast
At last, he spied 'pon that blue horizon
What he sought! The spires, the spires!

[captnamazing]

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Bristlebane has not forsaken me!
I will light one thousand candles in his honor
I will sip the rarest meads in all the land
I will pull the greatest pranks on the nastiest men!

Whereupon Filbus swamp down deep
and entered the Firepots of Timorous Deep
Whereupon he was frustrated once again
By the designs of the treacherous Xiblin.

He had no legend from which to descry
Which fire to leap into – for each one
Led to a different city in a different land!!
With no other option, Filbus played Guess.

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He went 'round the ring of fire, checking
the insignias, the workings of the brazier
And it did not take him long to deduce
Which of these eternal torches was of the dwarves.

Being thus decided, Filbus put a foot
Into the fire, and felt his knavel hooked
And ripped and torn and smashed and thrown
Across the ethers to a place unknown.

[captnamazing]

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Filbus came to in the Neriak Commons.
His laughter rang like a death knell through the
Cold stone halls of the Dark Elven city.
He uncorked and drank all the ale he had left.

To Filbus's soaked, depressed, deranged mind
It seemed the dark elves had tried to trap him
And encase him in the perilous walls of their city
So that they might, once and for all, defeat him.

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His heart grew hot to slay his hated foe
and so he found Divn L'Crit, his nemesis
Fought him in a trial of single combat
Upon the dark crags that ring the edge of Neriak.

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Divn died. Could it be a surprise?
But Filbus was not finished. Himself alone,
he combated with half a dozen elves
Until it was the last three of the guard.

One, two, three, their bodies all hit the floor.
The alarm tolled loudly in the hot air
Black elf blood ran blue in the streets
The garrison approached. Filbus fled!

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With all the bravery of a halfling,
Filbus sprinted away before his foes
His fun had been had, he chose not to die
Here, in this murky forest of all damned places.

No, he would return to the hand of his
Estimable sweetheart, O' Grumphilda
Ox-eyed Grumphilda, whose legs
are stout and thick like short trunks of oak!!

[mtb tripper]

Dedication man

[captnamazing]

~~8~~
Muse!! Tarry no further! Tell us that Doom
which was delivered to the halfling hero.
Did his exile continue in perpetuity?
Or was he graced again by the face of God?

Filbus, further from his goal than ever
Lost no time in sneaking through Freeport
He boarded a fine merchant vessel bound for Butcherblock.
He hid himself in a barrel of apples.

The ship sailed 'cross the perilous sea
The sailors grew hungry for some fresh apples
Removing the top of the barrel, they were surprised
To see a very hungry, very smelly hobbit.

Filbus, though a great warrior, was weak
Hungry, startled by the clamoring sailors
and the sun, whose indifference blazed radiantly.
They stripped him of his armors on the deck.

“What have we here boys?” The captain asked
“A toy for us to play with!” They responded uniformly.
Whereupon the sailors began to drop their pants
And Filbus entered a deep berzerker rage.

“NOT AGAIN, ROGLIO!” He screamed
He grabbed the nearest sausages and flung
the sailors to whom they were attached
into the shark-infested waters below

The captain designed to subdue Filbus
With his cutlass, cutting at the frothing halfling
Who readily caught the oncoming blade
With his bare hands. He ripped it from the captain's grasp.

It was then that Filbus sank deeper
into a rage so destitute from the reason or sanity
That he was lost to space and time.
In his blind rage, he slew all the sailors.

Filbus awoke in a grassy Vale. Sunshine, glory!
He feasted on the treats and drinks laid beside him
Worthy of his family name. Indeed!
Whereupon a mighty being strode forth unto him.

Bristlebane? Filbus wondered, trembling.
Have you at last taken me back to your heart?
And then the earth unfolded beneath the hobbit
and he perceived the world to be at war.

[captnamazing]

“I AM RALLOS ZEK” the mighty being boomed.
It was in the shape of an ogre with a fiery mane
Wielding a great sword that had lightning arcing on the balde
“YOU, HOBBIT, HAVE PLEASED ME,” Zek said.

Filbus parlayed with the God of War.
He politely explained he worshipped Bristlebane
The father of all the halflings. Rallos laughed
His laughter sounded like a giant's death bellow.

“ARE YOU NOT AWARE YOU HAVE BEEN TESTED?”
Rallos queried. “WHERE HAS BRISTLEBANE BEEN?”
And Filbus wondered at this. Indeed, where was he?
There was so much death, and so little laughter.

Filbus confessed to the God of War his Fear
that Cazic-Thule had begun to hold sway on his soul
and Zek nodded, pleased with the halfling's perception
Zek confirmed, Thule was guilty, though a nonfactor.

“YOU HAVE KILLED MANY, FILBUS” Rallos said.
“WITHOUT KNOWING IT, YOU HAVE FURTHERED MY DESIGNS.
YOU ARE NO SERVANT TO BRISTLEBANE. YOU
ARE NO MINION OF FEAR. YOU ARE A WARRIOR!!”

The sky split open with pealing thunder
Images of horrific battles came to be around Filbus
He felt oddly calm amongst the brutality of it
And smiled as blood misted his salty face.

“WILL YOU TAKE MY NAME AS YOUR MASTER?” Rallos asked.
“I will serve you, my True God!” he declared.
And the spray of the blood of the war around him,
Drenched Filbus. He awoke on the merchant vessel.

The winds of war now blew in his favor
The ship sped across the glassy waters like a dart
Filbus knew in his gut something was wrong,
and that he must arrive, or lose his Love forever!!

[captnamazing]

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~~9~~

'twas the wedding day of Grumphilda.
Though she and her father, Hammerbeard
Mourned the absence of the great halfling, Filbus,
They knew that Grump must be married.

Lest she pass that sweet cherried age
and pass into the crusted life of a lonely dwarfette
Hammerbeard sent invitations to the greatest houses
of Kaladim, asking them send their most desirable sons.

They held a competition for the hand
Of Grumphilda, that beauteous ox of dwarves!
There were many young dwarves who came
Hoping to improve their bloodline, if she could work.

There was Vicodyn of the clan Vicobrime
And Stolie the Strong of House Weaselfang
Slutbuster of the House Poonanifuck
Grumplestumps the Short of the Clan Brickleg.

There was Khardos of Khaza-Dum the Lost
Grumblee, a horny cleric of Brell,
Beardedbrawler, a dwarf who was deaf and mute
Addal the Drunk of Clan Borzashian
And Odococ the singular female suitor
And Amodazish, who claimed to have the
blood of princes in his veins. These were some
but not all the <Suitors of Grumphilda>