I don't hate people.

[HalflingSpergand]

Not possible to destroy this place imo, its just the sandbox we can't destroy it that's a fantasy

[magnetaress]

Originally Posted by Gwaihir [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Ebyonim are poor, by definition and choice.

That aside, good post.

Originally Posted by HalflingSpergand [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Not possible to destroy this place imo, its just the sandbox we can't destroy it that's a fantasy

Thank you. It's not a perfect post, I am imperfect.

I spent a lot of time in 2019-20 in isolated contemplation of compassion, love, perfection, tolerance. Acceptance.

I squashed down and tried to repress in myself every pathological. Painful. Dark. Cruel. Heartless urge. I spent like a month or two, time blurs, in a psych ward bed not moving. Cowering. Trying to kill myself. Biting myself. Smashing my own head. Praying for the salvation of others. I really hated myself and I am terrified of asking God or whoever it is answering my prayers for help. I know I can summon demons and devils without prayer. Open the gates of death on others just by letting myself project my pain, fear, agony through meditation. I don't and stop myself as much as possible. Its all hands off. I'm not willing to channel forces I don't understand or control. Not for just hate, anger,, or vengeance.

When I got home I spent another few months just eating and sleeping 16 hrs a day. Upping the dose of meds that were sedative. I pressed as hard as possible inward on my self to let the worldly world go free. Then I started to snap out of it a little bit at a time. Then in late September? Maybe I felt myself coming back into this place.

I, was stricken with grief all that time for attempting to single handedly destroy the world. It isn't possible.

Simultaneously I am literally an antenna for wrath. It lurks outside of consciousness. Just outside of the realm of the worldy. I don't know why I am waking up the way I do. Suppression and repression. Oppression. Well. They don't work all that well on the self.

IDK.