Cloak of Flames Roleplay Contest

[indiscriminate_hater]

Originally Posted by captnamazing [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Filbus read the message in bed. One eye was shut. Dried blood stained his lips; he had eaten out Grumphilda last night. The tired halfling didn't even sit up. He let the letter fall to the floor and glared at the messenger.

"This is clearly a trap," Filbus said. "Tekilya, that half-assed mockery of an archivist is trying to draw me out from the Vale."

But the middle-aged hobbit got out of bed. It smelled spicy and musky like sex. Grumphilda slept on her stomach with all four limbs spread akimbo. The light filtered in through the circular window of the hobbit hole. The suns rays pierced through the smoky air.

Filbus stoked a fire. He put a brace of bacon on the skillet. Behind him, Grumphilda stirred. "I don't have time for this," Filbus muttered to himself. He took a bottle of brandy from his liquor cabinet. Uncorking it with one hand, Filbus spread apart his wife's buttcheeks with the other. Her hairy, sniglet-ridden anus glared at him like an Evil Eye. Filbus forced the bottle deep into her rectum.

Grumphilda moaned in pleasure, but remained asleep.

Filbus watched the bottle drain. Blub. Blub. Blub. When she sharted the brandy out, he'd have another problem to deal with. But this should keep her asleep for a few more hours at least.

For now, Filbus needed time to decide if he would walk into the trap or not...

oh sweet baby jesus

[dafier]

Originally Posted by captnamazing [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Filbus read the message in bed. One eye was shut. Dried blood stained his lips; he had eaten out Grumphilda last night. The tired halfling didn't even sit up. He let the letter fall to the floor and glared at the messenger.

"This is clearly a trap," Filbus said. "Tekilya, that half-assed mockery of an archivist is trying to draw me out from the Vale."

But the middle-aged hobbit got out of bed. It smelled spicy and musky like sex. Grumphilda slept on her stomach with all four limbs spread akimbo. The light filtered in through the circular window of the hobbit hole. The suns rays pierced through the smoky air.

Filbus stoked a fire. He put a brace of bacon on the skillet. Behind him, Grumphilda stirred. "I don't have time for this," Filbus muttered to himself. He took a bottle of brandy from his liquor cabinet. Uncorking it with one hand, Filbus spread apart his wife's buttcheeks with the other. Her hairy, sniglet-ridden anus glared at him like an Evil Eye. Filbus forced the bottle deep into her rectum.

Grumphilda moaned in pleasure, but remained asleep.

Filbus watched the bottle drain. Blub. Blub. Blub. When she sharted the brandy out, he'd have another problem to deal with. But this should keep her asleep for a few more hours at least.

For now, Filbus needed time to decide if he would walk into the trap or not...

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[captnamazing]

Originally Posted by Kekephee [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

OCH, YEH VILE, NO GOOD, SNEAK-THIEVIN', DOUBLE-CROSSIN' BASTARD, HOW LONG HAVE YEH BEEN POOP-BOTTLIN' ME SAE YEH KIN SNEAK OUT A' THE HOUSE WHILST I NAP???

Filbus whirled around. Grumphilda had awoken. "I should have put another bottle in her," he thought angrily. The room smelled like gorilla now that his wife had awoken in a rage. Filbus went to her, dodging her flailing punches and kicks.

"Darling," Filbus said softly. "Darling dearest... I did it because I knew you needed more sleep. You've been working so hard lately, grinding xp with Sausagefingers so that one day you can be p99's number one naggy/vox tank. So I just thought 'why not let her sleep a while.' And I know how you like brandy up the bum."

Filbus withdrew the letter of RP contest he had received from the messenger. "But now that you're awake, dearest, what do you think of this?" The halfling asked, showing the letter to his buxom and sweaty wife.

[indiscriminate_hater]

re-posting because this is great

Originally Posted by hasbinfat [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

The DDoS hit me while I was saving a group of noobs from a deadly train at CE in Mistmoore. I watched as the noobs were slaughtered by dark elf bitches but I could do nothing because of the lag. In my grief I raised my hands up and prayed to God for forgiveness. My Mom heard my desperate cries and walked down into my basement to ask what happened, and I asked her for a jar of nutella and some croissants.

Just then, the TMO DDoS virus struck my hard drive like a 1967 Chevy Malibu with a V6 8 cylinder engine with 2400 cubic feet of torque. The virus opened my CD rom drive, which knocked into an empty 2 liter bottle of diet dr. pepper. The bottle tipped over on its side and rolled across the room to where my mom was walking to get my food. She stepped on the bottle, which rolled, and she lost her balance and stumbled thrashing about my basement.

I watched in stunned silence as my CD rom drive kept opening and closing and a laughing skull popped up on my screen. It navigated to my banking website, where it withdrew all my money and donated it to p99. My Mom rolled all the way across the basement and slammed into the box of circuit breakers, which exploded in a flurry of bright flashes like those fireworks that go BOOM and then THPTHPTHPTHPTHP.

My basement was in flames and all my money was gone so I decided it was time to go. I rolled out of bed and onto my hoveround-- I jammed the key into the ignition as the flames lapped all around me. "Start you piece of shit!", I yelled dramatically as the engine turned. Just when I thought I was going to cook, the engine started and I drove toward the stairs, fishtailing around burning piles of pizza boxes and soda bottles. I kicked my hoveround into gear and drove up the stairs as a pillar of flames erupted behind me, engulfing everything and spreading into the rest of the house.

I skidded across the kitchen and reached my arm out, barely managing to grab the nutella as I sped out the door into the entryway. Then, to my horror, I watched as the ground beneath me and the front door collapsed, revealing the burning basement below. Tears filled my eyes as I looked down and watched as my monitor flickered off and Everquest disappeared from the screen. "I'll come back for you. I promise" I whispered as I gunned my engine and raced toward the fiery chasm. I hurled forward at top speed and, just as my wheels were leaving the precipice, the flames reached my stockpile of canned cheese-whiz, which exploded and propelled me and my hoveround out the front door and onto the street.

I hit the ground and spun a couple times before drifting to a stop. As I sat there trying to catch my breath while also eating nutella, I realized what I needed to do-- I had to find a new computer on which to play Project 1999. I drove down the street toward the sunset, but just before I went over the horizon, I stopped and did a perfect 180' stationary turn in my hoveround. A worried look appeared on my face as I looked into the camera.

"Before all this happened I prayed to God for forgiveness. I did this because I was the one who trained those noobs at MM CE. And now they're all dead and I think one of them was bound in Firionia Vie". I turned my head and looked down the street toward Fry's Electronics. "Shit's classic", I said as I revved my engine, set a course for Fry's, and peeled out into the night, leaving only the smoldering wreckage of a home and an empty nutella jar in my wake.



Sry, in-game character name is Hasbinbad

[Llandris]

What did I just read.

OP, if this is true, I'll grant you your surname. whos sig am I going to ninja edit now?

[slappytwotoes]

this thread is absolute gold

[Kekephee]

Originally Posted by captnamazing [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Filbus whirled around. Grumphilda had awoken. "I should have put another bottle in her," he thought angrily. The room smelled like gorilla now that his wife had awoken in a rage. Filbus went to her, dodging her flailing punches and kicks.

"Darling," Filbus said softly. "Darling dearest... I did it because I knew you needed more sleep. You've been working so hard lately, grinding xp with Sausagefingers so that one day you can be p99's number one naggy/vox tank. So I just thought 'why not let her sleep a while.' And I know how you like brandy up the bum."

Filbus withdrew the letter of RP contest he had received from the messenger. "But now that you're awake, dearest, what do you think of this?" The halfling asked, showing the letter to his buxom and sweaty wife.

Grumphilda squinted forcefully at the letter. The runes on the parchment blurred and spun.

"OCH, YEH SNAKE, YER LITTLE BOTTLE TRICK IS STARTIN' TAE WORK! I CANNAE READ THE LETTER! WHAT'S IT SAY?"

Filbus took the letter from her, folded it back up, and put it in the storage compartment of his codpiece. "It says Tekilya Mockingbird is to be exiled for five years. It says he wishes to make amends with those he has wronged, to give back to the community that he fought so violently against, and he's going to select the greatest storyteller in Norrath and give them a cloak of flames."

Grumphilda screamed piercingly in excitement. As her entire body clenched in joy, a geyser of feces-contaminated brandy came spurting out of her anus onto the floor beneath her. It landed on a wolf-skin rug that Filbus had just brought back from the Western Wastes last week. Filbus had gone on a trip there for a few months. Grumphilda knew he had gone to track down and slaughter the family of the wolf who had sexually violated his friend Kekephee some time ago- the rug was his oldest son- but she was heretofor unaware that he had made a little stop in Thurgadin to visit the Thurgadin Exchange and his sweet little Hulda Butter.

"OCH," Grumphilda said as Filbus handed her a rag to try and blot the poopy brandy out of the carpet, "A CLOAK A' FLAMES! YEH KNOW AH'VE WANTED ONE A' THOSE FER SAE LONG!"

"I know, honey," Filbus said, knowing- and dreading- where this was headed.

"EVER SINCE YEH GAVE YER OLD ONE BACK TAE THE GUILD INSTEAD A' GIVIN' IT TAE ME," Grumphilda said suggestively, "AH'VE NAE BEEN AT THA' TOP A' ME GAME. AH'VE NAE BEEN FOIGHTIN' AS WELL. AH FEEL LOIKE AH KIN BE STRONGER, BUT WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN AH'M NAE PROPERLY EQUIPPED?"

"I know, honey," Filbus said again. It was coming.

"AH GUESS WHAT AH'M SAYIN', LAD, IS, YER A GREAT STORYTELLER, AREN'T YEH?"

"Yes, dear."

"WELL, LAD, WHAT IF YEH WERE TAE WIN THIS CONTEST? YEH HAVE NAE NEED OF THE CLOAK, YEH HAVE BETTER, BUT MAYBE THERE'S SOMEONE... SOMEONE YEH LOVE ENOUGH TAE GIVE IT TO?" Grumphilda delicately ran her finger across Filbus' chest and batted her eyelashes at him. Her eyes were crossed and glazed. Filbus sighed.

"Yes, dear." The trap was set!

[jcr4990]

Thought about trying to compete. Then remembered Kekephee and Filbus exist.

[Baler]

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Enjoy rectime
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Tell ur cell mate
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[captnamazing]

The cool morning fog in the Thicket sat heavily on the ground. Filbus could barely see the winding road five feet in front of him. The hobbit huddled his cloak closer to his face, in part to stay warm, and also so no one could see his face.

For Filbus shook with rage. His mind raced. Tekilya was a fucking pretender. The monk's poorly penned stories (more like lies, Filbus quipped desperately to himself) were libel against Filbus, and now Tekilya had the audacity to claim HE was Norrath's #1 Premiere Story Teller.

"Everyone knows that's ME!" Filbus barked at no one. And wasn't that right? Wasn't HE Norrath's #1 Story-teller? Who else had even come close to his depth of literary exposition upon Everquest's strange and perilous lands? Kekephee perhaps? Well, Kekephee was DEAD. For better or worse, Filbus had sacrificed his friend to escape the wrath of the Dial-a-Port Mafia, and in hopes of free ports...

Filbus found a nearby dog and strangled it. "You little bitch!" the halfling growled. "I'm the fucking best RP storyteller. ME!"

Over the corpse of the dog, the hobbit sighed and shook himself. He felt a little better now. Suddenly, Filbus smirked. He had an idea.

The halfling paid some noobs a few plat to dig him a big hole. Then he paid them a few plat to leave. "Pesky rascals," Filbus thought merrily to himself. He took all of his weapons and armor and cast them into the freshly dug hole. He then filled it again with dirt. Taking his chlamydia-ridden penis in a dirty hand, he peed upon the disturbed soil in the shape of an "F."

No one would mess with this stash. But now, perhaps Tekilya the Pretender wouldn't recognize him.

Filbus felt more confident. He would save some face even if he'd have to submit a story to the bogan scum.

But another problem ailed the halfling warlord. He had been in retirement for some months, since reuniting with his dwarvish wife. And, he had no plans on returning to his adventuring ways for a long while yet. He had no stories to tell!

Suddenly, Filbus grieved for his lost bard companion. Even though Kekephee had often been too drunk and dimwitted to tell the story well, he had always come up with the best ideas. He cried a single tear for Kekephee.

Then, Filbus had another idea. He cackled to himself. At best, he'd get an amazing story. At worst, he would forever die and escape the debasement of submitting to Spyder73's tricks.

Filbus's hand swept across his throat. Where once there was a jocular and wobbling halfling neck, now there sat a gaping, bloody hole. Halfling Alpha type blood spewed across the grass of the Misty Thicket. Druids and young hobbits looked on in horror as the redness spumed onto the ground and gathered in thick clots. Filbus fell to his knees. The hobbit cackled, but the only sound he made was a horrible sucking and weezing as the air went directly into his trachea. He fell forward onto his face and died.

A second later, Filbus woke up in the afterlife. Kekephee was before him.

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