Phlogiston's Guide to Playing Everquest (part one)

Phlogiston · #1 09-24-2010, 04:58 PM

Hello everyone and welcome to Phlogiston's Guide to Playing Everquest part one! Now there are a lot of ways to play Everquest, but all of those ways except the way I play are WRONG. I have decided to let you have a peak into my Everquest life, so that you might learn from my awe-inspiring talent.

You should never play Everquest alone. Playing Everquest alone is the leading cause of death in cute animals, plus it automatically makes you an uncool loser who is also lame. You need a "friend" to guide you through the magical world of Norrath.

My "friend" is Aooth the shaman.

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I picked Aooth out of the huge of list of friendlier and more skilled applicants because he was the most handsome. I mean, just look at that face! Well, you can't really see it in this picture because he's kind of turned...hmm... You'll just have to take my word for it - his well-chiseled face is one of...well...one of nine different kinds.

Aooth has a lot of other great features that he brings to the table. Just look at this list.

1. Can cast slow. Nevermind, it was resisted.
2. Can cast heal. Well, he did once, I think.
3. After telling you what to do, he will wait patiently for nearly 2.5 seconds for you to do it. Then he explodes into a blind rage fueled by his frustration with your incompetence.

Enough about Aooth, let's talk about me.

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I'm a bard. I don't know how that happened I was just clicking around and I got lost, but it's okay because I have all kinds of awesome glowing blue particles around me at all times. I thought that I would destroy any who opposed me with a combination of arcane might and the sonic screech of a guitar, but instead I have a lute, which is like a flute but with no "f".

Now you may be surprised to learn that this is my first time playing Everquest, because you are easily surprised because of how dumb you are. Well, let's dive in, shall we? Don't answer that question - it was rhetorical. God you're an idiot.

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So we're deep in an underground green death maze because sometimes when you log in that's just how it is. Aooth tells me we can make it out if we're really careful and don't attract any attention. Got it!

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Oh shit! Oh shit! I didn't mean to - he just came out of nowhere. It's those damn webbed feet Aooth, I swear. You never hear them coming!

So most of this green death dungeon is full of frogs. When I first got here I was young and fearless. "Frogs?" I thought, poking the first shaman I saw with my pointy stick, "What are you gonna do? Jump away?". I laughed my arrogant tough guy laugh.

That's when the frog shaman infected me with four different STDs. Oh, and rabies.

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After killing a few frogs, Aooth leads me over a bridge (actually calling it a bridge is an insult to bridges everywhere, and since I live near the Golden Gate Bridge, I really can't afford to piss bridges off), and through a few twisted tunnels until we find a place I recognize. The blessed Zone Line. A chorus of angels sounds whenever I find a zone line. Usually, we don't get to stay nearby - we have to leave and go somewhere horrible instead. But this time Aooth lets us stay for a bit.

There was a group of spiders here, and they were probably getting great xp until they were wiped out by a hodge-podge mob of rapist twinkers. I don't care though, because I'm so hardcore and unfeeling. Aooth and I try to join the twinkers.

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"A level 25?" Aooth scoffs, "He's getting terrible xp. They're all getting terrible xp."

Man, if there is one thing Aooth and I hate, it is terrible xp. Terrible xp is for newbs (In case you aren't familiar with the terminology, "newb" means someone who Aooth hates. So, really, every person Aooth has ever met has been a newb). Aooth and I don't want terrible xp, so we decide not to join their group and we reject their desperate pleas for our aid. We're going to hunt on our own. We don't need them! Yeah!

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This room looks safe.

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They got Aooth. There are so many frog men. They just came out of nowhere - damn their webbed feet! I just need to get myself completely lost in this maze trying to find the zone line. ZONE LINE WHERE IS THE ZONE LINE THEY'RE COMING-

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I guess I died. I'm back at my spawn. Naked. My corpse is somewhere on the other side of the world at the bottom of a stinking pit full of murderous frog men.

Fear not! I know exactly what to do.

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RAGE QUIT!

But don't worry, this is all a planned part of Phlogiston's Guide to Playing Everquest. Hopefully at least one of the incredibly magnificent things I taught you today managed to penetrated your thick skull. Tune in next time for part two, where I learn to love again!