Jokes

[Whirled]

I've been seeing some people posting jokes -- soooo I figured it best to try to make a thread where people can post them.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

[Swish]

Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s 
always so much fun when artists 
do a show in their hometown.

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[Whirled]

In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing long with a few good humans. He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark. Noah! He roared, I’m about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work. The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

“You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

[Cymeon]

I walked into a bar one night and ordered a drink. After talking to the bartender for a few mins, I noticed a jar stuffed full of 20 dollar bills behind the bar. I ask the bartender about it and he said, "Oh that? Hah, its a contest. We have a horse stabled out back. You put 20 bucks into the jar. If you can get the horse to laugh, you win the jar. If you can't make him laugh, you lose your 20."

So, I thought hard on it for a while. I stuffed a 20 in the jar and rolled out back. I whispered something in the horse's ear and he started laughing so hard, he almost fell over. I walked back into the bar, finished my drink, winked at the angry, confused bartender, took my jar of 20s and went home.

A few weeks later, I went back to the same bar, same bartender, and a new jar of 20s. I say to the bartender, "So what, I gotta make the horse laugh this time?" He replies, "Naw.. this time you gotta make him cry." So I stuffed my 20 in the jar, and walked outside. Shortly after the horse was crying like a baby. I walked back in, took the jar and started walking out.

The bartender shouts, "WAIT. NO one could make the horse laugh. You did it. No one could make the horse cry. But you did that too. WHAT did you say to him??"

To which I replied, "Well, the first time, I had to make him laugh so I told him my cock was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him."

[Lyrith]

What do you call a Gay Dinosaur? "A Megasoreass"

What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur? "A Lickalotapuss"

What does a pizza deliver driver and a gynecologist have in common? "They both get to smell it but they can't eat it"

[Ahldagor]

nickelback walks into a bar

[oddibemcd]

What's so sad about a Cadillac Escalade going off a cliff with four black people inside?













They were my friends.

[Swish]

Having your photo taken steals part of your soul,

Unless it's a selfie, then the damage has already been done.

[Swish]

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.

"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

[Whirled]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

"How does that feel?" she asked. "It feels great." He replied. "But my thumb still hurts like Hell!".