Cloak of Flames Roleplay Contest

[Kekephee]

Originally Posted by captnamazing [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Filbus read the message in bed. One eye was shut. Dried blood stained his lips; he had eaten out Grumphilda last night. The tired halfling didn't even sit up. He let the letter fall to the floor and glared at the messenger.

"This is clearly a trap," Filbus said. "Tekilya, that half-assed mockery of an archivist is trying to draw me out from the Vale."

But the middle-aged hobbit got out of bed. It smelled spicy and musky like sex. Grumphilda slept on her stomach with all four limbs spread akimbo. The light filtered in through the circular window of the hobbit hole. The suns rays pierced through the smoky air.

Filbus stoked a fire. He put a brace of bacon on the skillet. Behind him, Grumphilda stirred. "I don't have time for this," Filbus muttered to himself. He took a bottle of brandy from his liquor cabinet. Uncorking it with one hand, Filbus spread apart his wife's buttcheeks with the other. Her hairy, sniglet-ridden anus glared at him like an Evil Eye. Filbus forced the bottle deep into her rectum.

Grumphilda moaned in pleasure, but remained asleep.

Filbus watched the bottle drain. Blub. Blub. Blub. When she sharted the brandy out, he'd have another problem to deal with. But this should keep her asleep for a few more hours at least.

For now, Filbus needed time to decide if he would walk into the trap or not...

OCH, YEH VILE, NO GOOD, SNEAK-THIEVIN', DOUBLE-CROSSIN' BASTARD, HOW LONG HAVE YEH BEEN POOP-BOTTLIN' ME SAE YEH KIN SNEAK OUT A' THE HOUSE WHILST I NAP???

[captnamazing]

Originally Posted by Kekephee [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

OCH, YEH VILE, NO GOOD, SNEAK-THIEVIN', DOUBLE-CROSSIN' BASTARD, HOW LONG HAVE YEH BEEN POOP-BOTTLIN' ME SAE YEH KIN SNEAK OUT A' THE HOUSE WHILST I NAP???

Filbus whirled around. Grumphilda had awoken. "I should have put another bottle in her," he thought angrily. The room smelled like gorilla now that his wife had awoken in a rage. Filbus went to her, dodging her flailing punches and kicks.

"Darling," Filbus said softly. "Darling dearest... I did it because I knew you needed more sleep. You've been working so hard lately, grinding xp with Sausagefingers so that one day you can be p99's number one naggy/vox tank. So I just thought 'why not let her sleep a while.' And I know how you like brandy up the bum."

Filbus withdrew the letter of RP contest he had received from the messenger. "But now that you're awake, dearest, what do you think of this?" The halfling asked, showing the letter to his buxom and sweaty wife.

[indiscriminate_hater]

re-posting because this is great

Originally Posted by hasbinfat [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

The DDoS hit me while I was saving a group of noobs from a deadly train at CE in Mistmoore. I watched as the noobs were slaughtered by dark elf bitches but I could do nothing because of the lag. In my grief I raised my hands up and prayed to God for forgiveness. My Mom heard my desperate cries and walked down into my basement to ask what happened, and I asked her for a jar of nutella and some croissants.

Just then, the TMO DDoS virus struck my hard drive like a 1967 Chevy Malibu with a V6 8 cylinder engine with 2400 cubic feet of torque. The virus opened my CD rom drive, which knocked into an empty 2 liter bottle of diet dr. pepper. The bottle tipped over on its side and rolled across the room to where my mom was walking to get my food. She stepped on the bottle, which rolled, and she lost her balance and stumbled thrashing about my basement.

I watched in stunned silence as my CD rom drive kept opening and closing and a laughing skull popped up on my screen. It navigated to my banking website, where it withdrew all my money and donated it to p99. My Mom rolled all the way across the basement and slammed into the box of circuit breakers, which exploded in a flurry of bright flashes like those fireworks that go BOOM and then THPTHPTHPTHPTHP.

My basement was in flames and all my money was gone so I decided it was time to go. I rolled out of bed and onto my hoveround-- I jammed the key into the ignition as the flames lapped all around me. "Start you piece of shit!", I yelled dramatically as the engine turned. Just when I thought I was going to cook, the engine started and I drove toward the stairs, fishtailing around burning piles of pizza boxes and soda bottles. I kicked my hoveround into gear and drove up the stairs as a pillar of flames erupted behind me, engulfing everything and spreading into the rest of the house.

I skidded across the kitchen and reached my arm out, barely managing to grab the nutella as I sped out the door into the entryway. Then, to my horror, I watched as the ground beneath me and the front door collapsed, revealing the burning basement below. Tears filled my eyes as I looked down and watched as my monitor flickered off and Everquest disappeared from the screen. "I'll come back for you. I promise" I whispered as I gunned my engine and raced toward the fiery chasm. I hurled forward at top speed and, just as my wheels were leaving the precipice, the flames reached my stockpile of canned cheese-whiz, which exploded and propelled me and my hoveround out the front door and onto the street.

I hit the ground and spun a couple times before drifting to a stop. As I sat there trying to catch my breath while also eating nutella, I realized what I needed to do-- I had to find a new computer on which to play Project 1999. I drove down the street toward the sunset, but just before I went over the horizon, I stopped and did a perfect 180' stationary turn in my hoveround. A worried look appeared on my face as I looked into the camera.

"Before all this happened I prayed to God for forgiveness. I did this because I was the one who trained those noobs at MM CE. And now they're all dead and I think one of them was bound in Firionia Vie". I turned my head and looked down the street toward Fry's Electronics. "Shit's classic", I said as I revved my engine, set a course for Fry's, and peeled out into the night, leaving only the smoldering wreckage of a home and an empty nutella jar in my wake.



Sry, in-game character name is Hasbinbad

[Kekephee]

Originally Posted by captnamazing [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Filbus whirled around. Grumphilda had awoken. "I should have put another bottle in her," he thought angrily. The room smelled like gorilla now that his wife had awoken in a rage. Filbus went to her, dodging her flailing punches and kicks.

"Darling," Filbus said softly. "Darling dearest... I did it because I knew you needed more sleep. You've been working so hard lately, grinding xp with Sausagefingers so that one day you can be p99's number one naggy/vox tank. So I just thought 'why not let her sleep a while.' And I know how you like brandy up the bum."

Filbus withdrew the letter of RP contest he had received from the messenger. "But now that you're awake, dearest, what do you think of this?" The halfling asked, showing the letter to his buxom and sweaty wife.

Grumphilda squinted forcefully at the letter. The runes on the parchment blurred and spun.

"OCH, YEH SNAKE, YER LITTLE BOTTLE TRICK IS STARTIN' TAE WORK! I CANNAE READ THE LETTER! WHAT'S IT SAY?"

Filbus took the letter from her, folded it back up, and put it in the storage compartment of his codpiece. "It says Tekilya Mockingbird is to be exiled for five years. It says he wishes to make amends with those he has wronged, to give back to the community that he fought so violently against, and he's going to select the greatest storyteller in Norrath and give them a cloak of flames."

Grumphilda screamed piercingly in excitement. As her entire body clenched in joy, a geyser of feces-contaminated brandy came spurting out of her anus onto the floor beneath her. It landed on a wolf-skin rug that Filbus had just brought back from the Western Wastes last week. Filbus had gone on a trip there for a few months. Grumphilda knew he had gone to track down and slaughter the family of the wolf who had sexually violated his friend Kekephee some time ago- the rug was his oldest son- but she was heretofor unaware that he had made a little stop in Thurgadin to visit the Thurgadin Exchange and his sweet little Hulda Butter.

"OCH," Grumphilda said as Filbus handed her a rag to try and blot the poopy brandy out of the carpet, "A CLOAK A' FLAMES! YEH KNOW AH'VE WANTED ONE A' THOSE FER SAE LONG!"

"I know, honey," Filbus said, knowing- and dreading- where this was headed.

"EVER SINCE YEH GAVE YER OLD ONE BACK TAE THE GUILD INSTEAD A' GIVIN' IT TAE ME," Grumphilda said suggestively, "AH'VE NAE BEEN AT THA' TOP A' ME GAME. AH'VE NAE BEEN FOIGHTIN' AS WELL. AH FEEL LOIKE AH KIN BE STRONGER, BUT WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN AH'M NAE PROPERLY EQUIPPED?"

"I know, honey," Filbus said again. It was coming.

"AH GUESS WHAT AH'M SAYIN', LAD, IS, YER A GREAT STORYTELLER, AREN'T YEH?"

"Yes, dear."

"WELL, LAD, WHAT IF YEH WERE TAE WIN THIS CONTEST? YEH HAVE NAE NEED OF THE CLOAK, YEH HAVE BETTER, BUT MAYBE THERE'S SOMEONE... SOMEONE YEH LOVE ENOUGH TAE GIVE IT TO?" Grumphilda delicately ran her finger across Filbus' chest and batted her eyelashes at him. Her eyes were crossed and glazed. Filbus sighed.

"Yes, dear." The trap was set!

[maskedmelon]

Originally Posted by Kekephee [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Grumphilda squinted forcefully at the letter. The runes on the parchment blurred and spun.

"OCH, YEH SNAKE, YER LITTLE BOTTLE TRICK IS STARTIN' TAE WORK! I CANNAE READ THE LETTER! WHAT'S IT SAY?"

Filbus took the letter from her, folded it back up, and put it in the storage compartment of his codpiece. "It says Tekilya Mockingbird is to be exiled for five years. It says he wishes to make amends with those he has wronged, to give back to the community that he fought so violently against, and he's going to select the greatest storyteller in Norrath and give them a cloak of flames."

Grumphilda screamed piercingly in excitement. As her entire body clenched in joy, a geyser of feces-contaminated brandy came spurting out of her anus onto the floor beneath her. It landed on a wolf-skin rug that Filbus had just brought back from the Western Wastes last week. Filbus had gone on a trip there for a few months. Grumphilda knew he had gone to track down and slaughter the family of the wolf who had sexually violated his friend Kekephee some time ago- the rug was his oldest son- but she was heretofor unaware that he had made a little stop in Thurgadin to visit the Thurgadin Exchange and his sweet little Hulda Butter.

"OCH," Grumphilda said as Filbus handed her a rag to try and blot the poopy brandy out of the carpet, "A CLOAK A' FLAMES! YEH KNOW AH'VE WANTED ONE A' THOSE FER SAE LONG!"

"I know, honey," Filbus said, knowing- and dreading- where this was headed.

"EVER SINCE YEH GAVE YER OLD ONE BACK TAE THE GUILD INSTEAD A' GIVIN' IT TAE ME," Grumphilda said suggestively, "AH'VE NAE BEEN AT THA' TOP A' ME GAME. AH'VE NAE BEEN FOIGHTIN' AS WELL. AH FEEL LOIKE AH KIN BE STRONGER, BUT WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN AH'M NAE PROPERLY EQUIPPED?"

"I know, honey," Filbus said again. It was coming.

"AH GUESS WHAT AH'M SAYIN', LAD, IS, YER A GREAT STORYTELLER, AREN'T YEH?"

"Yes, dear."

"WELL, LAD, WHAT IF YEH WERE TAE WIN THIS CONTEST? YEH HAVE NAE NEED OF THE CLOAK, YEH HAVE BETTER, BUT MAYBE THERE'S SOMEONE... SOMEONE YEH LOVE ENOUGH TAE GIVE IT TO?" Grumphilda delicately ran her finger across Filbus' chest and batted her eyelashes at him. Her eyes were crossed and glazed. Filbus sighed.

"Yes, dear." The trap was set!

Dimahje woke with a start. What an awful dream. The lantern was spent since some hours before, but the thick scent of burnt whale fat danced in the air like an empty cask at sea; aimless and indifferent.

Thin strips of silver light flickered from the stairwell into the dark cabin like the muffled cries of a heretic at the block. The ship rocked to the melodic lullaby of the sea as the lantern swung rebelliously in the opposite direction.

Dimahje relaxed as the vessel slipped from crest to valley and reared to climb the next wave. The bunk overhead sagged menacingly in the darkness. She couldn't see it but the moldering stench of wet burlap steeped in a brine of the sea and sweat and urine told her it hung only a few inches from her face. Planks creaked and the hull groaned as the vessel was tossed about the Sea. Prexus moved this night and the sea stirred at its master's call.

What a horrid dream. The creatures scurried in the shadows of the rapidly fading dream world like a stain on her subconscious mind. Small and pale and thickly covered with coarse, twisted hair. Stumpy limbs jutting from rotund trunks with distended abdomens, commanded by heads that seemed more concerned with jaw and nose than cranium. Indeed scarcely spacious enough to house the grey matter between a kobold's ears.

She had seen them before. Dimahje stroked the Prexus totem at her breast as she fought to retain the foul image of the creatures and their base inclinations while simultaneously searching the cavernous halls of her memory for the association.

She had seen them before, but where? When? Surely she would have purged the firmament of these foul animals, freeing the holy waters of Prexus such vile containers. But she knew not the edge of her blade nor weight of her rod nor brawn if her shield had come to know the decrepit taste of such wickedness. Where then? How did she know of the beasts?

The wind howled and sea spray blasted against the hull as a succession of waves crashed down on the deck. The waters sloshed across the deck as the receded making a noise not unlike the rustling of pages. A fond smile found its way onto Dimahje's pretty face as she recalled her time at the Great Library of Erudin. She had read so many things, so many texts bound and loose and scrolled alike. She had studied maps of the far reaches of the world and renditions of all manner of creatures. The fount of knowledge that was the Library made her heart flutter. She chewed on her lip in something like bliss as she began to recount in her mind's eye all she had learned.

A bolt of lightning cracked like a whip on a Kerran's back in the storm that rated outside. Dimahje's eyes flicked wide in recognition. She knew the creatures from a book! They were Halfwits! Tiny sub humans who burrowed in Norrath like rodents.

Dimahje reveled in the recollection. Prexus cried out against the debauchery of the foul half-wits and she stood resolute to her Lords call. Her Rod of Faith would bathe I the blood of the damned before the moon waxed full.

[indiscriminate_hater]

Originally Posted by captnamazing [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Filbus read the message in bed. One eye was shut. Dried blood stained his lips; he had eaten out Grumphilda last night. The tired halfling didn't even sit up. He let the letter fall to the floor and glared at the messenger.

"This is clearly a trap," Filbus said. "Tekilya, that half-assed mockery of an archivist is trying to draw me out from the Vale."

But the middle-aged hobbit got out of bed. It smelled spicy and musky like sex. Grumphilda slept on her stomach with all four limbs spread akimbo. The light filtered in through the circular window of the hobbit hole. The suns rays pierced through the smoky air.

Filbus stoked a fire. He put a brace of bacon on the skillet. Behind him, Grumphilda stirred. "I don't have time for this," Filbus muttered to himself. He took a bottle of brandy from his liquor cabinet. Uncorking it with one hand, Filbus spread apart his wife's buttcheeks with the other. Her hairy, sniglet-ridden anus glared at him like an Evil Eye. Filbus forced the bottle deep into her rectum.

Grumphilda moaned in pleasure, but remained asleep.

Filbus watched the bottle drain. Blub. Blub. Blub. When she sharted the brandy out, he'd have another problem to deal with. But this should keep her asleep for a few more hours at least.

For now, Filbus needed time to decide if he would walk into the trap or not...

oh sweet baby jesus

[EQsale]

BDA Circle jerk in here 100% sucking up for a CoF so funny just delete it infront of these clowns.

[Swish]

Originally Posted by EQsale [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

BDA Circle jerk in here 100% sucking up for a CoF so funny just delete it infront of these clowns.

you can't blame them, its P99's premiere 3rd world guild where there's so many people and not enough pixels to go around [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

(recruitment still open)

[Mrnobody]

Think the world of everquest as Jail.

- You have guards that one hit noobs with a 1hs. replace with batons for jail.

- The Raid leader is always the loudest, same with the biggest dude in jail.

- You learn to meditate in game and in jail

- You join gangs/ Guilds to kill other players.

- Everyone has to have timeout when they do the wrong thing.

- There arent any hot chicks in jail, nor in everquest.

- Half the people that play eq are as annoying as jailmates.

- Jail system is the same view of race as Norrath, whereby all races are completely split up by color.

- Everyone thinks their opinion matters in jail, same as everquest R&F

Good Luck buddy. We'll be waiting for you when u come out!

[dafier]

Originally Posted by captnamazing [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Filbus read the message in bed. One eye was shut. Dried blood stained his lips; he had eaten out Grumphilda last night. The tired halfling didn't even sit up. He let the letter fall to the floor and glared at the messenger.

"This is clearly a trap," Filbus said. "Tekilya, that half-assed mockery of an archivist is trying to draw me out from the Vale."

But the middle-aged hobbit got out of bed. It smelled spicy and musky like sex. Grumphilda slept on her stomach with all four limbs spread akimbo. The light filtered in through the circular window of the hobbit hole. The suns rays pierced through the smoky air.

Filbus stoked a fire. He put a brace of bacon on the skillet. Behind him, Grumphilda stirred. "I don't have time for this," Filbus muttered to himself. He took a bottle of brandy from his liquor cabinet. Uncorking it with one hand, Filbus spread apart his wife's buttcheeks with the other. Her hairy, sniglet-ridden anus glared at him like an Evil Eye. Filbus forced the bottle deep into her rectum.

Grumphilda moaned in pleasure, but remained asleep.

Filbus watched the bottle drain. Blub. Blub. Blub. When she sharted the brandy out, he'd have another problem to deal with. But this should keep her asleep for a few more hours at least.

For now, Filbus needed time to decide if he would walk into the trap or not...

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