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#1
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![]() I will be on seroquel or quetiapine fumarate soon. It should be more effective PRN than lithium 24/7. I have my doubts. Hence the angst. The name of the drug is pretty stupid but who knows. That has nothing to do with its actual effect.
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I honestly think some decent ativan at night and PRN so I don't sleep in a furious ball of kill you + some gabbapentin would do better for me. But that's not indicated by my borderline personality disorder. I guess or whatever it is. The docs are trying to still treat the 'depression'. Which IMO is caused by anxiety and inability to connect emotionally or socialize with other people in a safe and kind genuine way, and probably will never be because my brain development and neurochemistry is nothing like what it should be, or will ever be. In any sane kind, normal human, who hasn't had their flesh ripped off. I also have a lot pain caused by trauma and skeletomuscular problems. Because I put my body through some intensely dumb shit (other than transitioning). I use to be a real hardcore motherfucking bad-ass and it's taken it's toll. Treating that would give me room to breathe and cope with my enlightened ways. A big part of why I don't go outside and talk to people is because I want to hurt them badly. I don't like them and they make me really furious with their biological instinctual mammalian failings. Short of being mind wiped some how. And literally losing my personality. I doubt that is fixable. It just is who and what I am. Nature designed us this way so we wouldn't instantly die when a scary tiger showed up we could hiss at it and make it think twice and maybe back off and eat the dumb ass who fell over paralyzed in fear. Theophalyn is supposed to calm people down and help them breathe but I went apeshit on it as a child. My mom has very atypical responses to most medications and anesthesia. When I am pissed off I am very very hard to put down chemically. I can stay awake, very hard to hypnotize, not even when I am willing, etc. | |||
Last edited by magnetaress; 06-11-2020 at 03:19 PM..
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#2
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__________________
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#3
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![]() Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol. Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol. Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, and alcohol.
C-C-C-COCAINE | ||
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#5
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![]() I sleep best when i do 10 hours straight manual labor.
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#6
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Again you are VERY not wrong. Yeah, the more I read about it the more I think the seroquel will fuck me up and make this worse because I will no longer feel pleasure in even being wrathful. I think I can survive it for like a month tho to help my doctor diagnose what the fuck is not wrong with me. | |||
Last edited by magnetaress; 06-11-2020 at 03:42 PM..
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#7
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![]() I'd recommend a hobby. I've recently taken up making walking sticks / bo staves. Walk around in the woods for a few hours to find good materials, carve bark off and shape with a knife, sand the crap out of it, then stain it a nice color. Playing guitar is pretty fun too.
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#8
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It's a pity with a proper target and some physical training I could be useful again. Sadly, enlightening myself in order to be effective and disciplined has left me with no real reachable targets of value. I don't think hunting purely for sport would do anything but to be a form of practice, most entities are greens anyway, they have no exp value or good loot. The nearby pathetic cockroaches scurrying about are just a nuisance. It's not worth the risk and effort involved in destroying them out of boredom with no real objective or purpose. I don't feel good unless I'm causing an enemy pain. The tree's don't scream loud enough in agony. Embroidery makes me want to put the needle down and slam someones head into the ground repeatedly. Or drag it across my arm until I carve it into shreds. I am already good with a rifle and pushups will put me to sleep but I will pay for it the next day in being unable to move. They don't bring pleasure. It is simply a form of preparation. This is what pillates and running has devolved into for me. The physical persuits I have rarely enjoyed. Last time I tried to make sourdough bread, I just got to tired and sick to finish and there was too much crap and too much whining from the dumb brats about how it smelled to get through it. I poured it down the drain and decided rather than ripping their guts out I would just take a bunch of pills, put a blindfold on and earplugs in and go out. I'm low on meds. When I do create something wonderful I do not want to share it with anyone. This is a 1 star thread for sure and I shouldn't share with you guys. But here it is. But you know. You are right. I will never know unless I try. | |||
Last edited by magnetaress; 06-11-2020 at 05:11 PM..
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#9
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#10
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![]() The cameos in that toilet video scream 3rd temple
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