Originally Posted by Kekephee
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This afternoon, I was sitting beside the Temple of Veeshan entrance- in my hubris, in my ignorance, in my IDIOCY, I thought I was safe. The dragons and wyrms have long entrusted me with safe passage through their lands, and I had thought that meant I was able to sit within the cavern with nary a worry nor a care. I was wrong. DEAD WRONG.
Without warning, a vicious beast descended upon me from the shadows- before I even had time to realize what was happening, A Velium Hound knocked my lute from my hands and proceeded to tear into my groin. Screaming in pain, I frantically attempted to sing a mesmerization song to buy myself time to remember the words to Angstitch's Apalling Screech so that I could fill the monstrous animal with terror and chase after it, weakly hacking at its spine with my spear and sword until I could cut through its thick hide to its vital organs- a process that takes a tremendous amount of time, but I am an artist, not a butcher!
As the merciless, starving animal tore the flesh from around my genitals, I struggled to sing through the pain:
Oh, merry gentleman, tring-a-ling-a-ding,
I sing to you my lullaby, toodle-droodle-dooo
But the words would not come out! There are few things in this world more difficult than to sing a lullaby in the snow as a wolf tears your groin asunder, and at that moment I knew this could very well be the end. Impotently, meekly, I scooped up handfuls of snow and attempted to rub them into his eyes, hoping a shard of ice would blind him and loosen his death-grippe on my johnson. To no avail! The wolf had had a taste of Kekephee's Well-Seasoned Sausage, and he wanted more! I knew then that my time had come; soon, my adventure would be over. With the last remaining bit of concentration I had, I pulled out my Ship in a Bottle and took a swig. "I'm coming to see you, Greengrocer," I said to the sky, "if you're up there..."
As the darkness started to close in, I heard a tremendous "YAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" Suddenly, there before me, an enormous Barbarian, his muscles rippling and heaving- especially around the buttocks, which were clearly his greatest asset- seemed to leap from the very air onto the back of the terrible beast. Roaring with triumphant, valiant fury, the barbarian inserted his throbbing member into the wolf's anus and gave it such a mighty thrust that I was sure the beast could not survive. But it did! Desperate for more of my penile meat, the animal tried to shake the barbarian off to buy enough time to finish its meal- I understood the wolf at that moment better than I've ever understood any man. If your time has come, and you have the option, there is no better way to go than with a full belly and a good tumble in the sack, and at this moment it had a perfect opportunity to have both. I felt for him. I knew I would never forget him, and maybe in the next world he and I could be companions.
But the barbarian was not to be shaken off- thrusting madly, biting his lip to the point of bleeding, he gripped the wolf's sides with his massive hands with such strength that I could hear its ribs cracking. Harder, deeper he thrust, as the wolf began to bleed from its mouth. Finally, with an ecstatic cry, the barbarian achieved his nirvana with one final thrust, so mightily that the wolf's eyes crossed, its tongue lolled out of its mouth, and it fell over in the snow, dead. The barbarian took a moment to catch his breath, spanked the wolf on it hind parts, gingerly exited it, and wiped himself off on its fur. He looked at me.
Quaking in fear, I turned and presented myself- I had lost too much blood to possibly fight back, and perhaps if I made it easy on him I might be granted a merciful, quick death.
"No need for that," the barbarian said in a thunderous voice. "Give me a swig of whatever it is you're drinking and we'll call it even." I handed him the bottle, and as he drank, I asked him his name.
"The name is Argh," he said, handing me back the bottle, "and you should really zone into the temple instead of sitting out here." He then pulled out his sword- a glowing blue saber of light- and with it, in one smooth motion he disemboweled the creature, then seemed to simply pull its hide off like a glove. He wrapped it around himself. "That's good," he said, as he trodded off into the snowy sunset, "still warm." I could see a white stain on the back of the hide- it looked to be about two feet long.
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09-08-2015, 09:01 PM
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