12-09-2018, 11:14 PM
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Banned
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,083
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Quote:
My experience on okc has been really positive so far. I've received a lot of likes, compliments and an offer to meet. I feel like I am overselling myself a bit, so put up a few "imperfect" pictures. The idea is to filter out some of the straighter people looking for a traditional relationship or woman. I'd rather not disappoint. I lack confidence or experience with sexual intamacy. It's been maybe 5 years? More experienced gay men will be a better experience, until I can teach less experienced men. That being said I fit into a room full of people when not the center of attention. One on one small talk is easy as well. I'm not at all ackward. Just with intimacy. After losing 63lb. I get lot more attention than I useto in public. I don't mind at all. I'd like to lose maybe 30 more. To my surprise I have almost 300 likes. I guess that's average. My friend in Portland had around 100 after a month. I'm worried about not really replying to people and meeting up with them soon after. I think I may kind of wind up blacklisted if I don't really actively engage and date and lose future opportuities. I initially created a profile to see who's out here in the queer and trans community. In [my redacted community] there's a few trans men and gay people on grindr. Though not really my age or kind of, I don't know, I am not really a part of the local tribe. Southern masculine blue color culture is really intimidating. I had my fill of it in my 20s. I'm not interested in really playing the identity game I guess. Like to me it seems people do a lot to fit in, or just do the normal thing that sort of exists in their relative sphere. I've never really fit in anywhere. In the past I just blended in, and tried to out perform my peers. Like I want to tone up so I can look good and go dancing in body paint at a private club. That is a personal desire. No one I have ever really known in my personal life could really relate I think. Perhaps that is a little unrealistic. To me it's like a more interesting experience than 'doggo beer and pickup'. I can't fault those that enjoy the latter archetype or experiences, it just doesn't inspire me or motivate me. I had a hunting license and never used it, lol. I don't like stepping in dirt. I low crawled through enough in my 20s. I spent most of my life closeted. Hiding behind a stereotype. I never had an adolescence. While I am an adult with a measure of wisdom and maturity. I lack experience or exploration of expression.
As far as being non-nonogomous. I think monogamy is good for people who want or need stability. Who are interested in settling down. I believe a lot of people are insecure. Some base their lives around selflessness for their family. I grew up with a very insecure and depressive man who lived vicariously through his wife, and children. He was very controlling, possessive, and abusive. I have tried two monogamous relationships in my life. Both felt like I was trapped and not really loved. I was a robot fulfilling a male roll. I never got deep joy or satisfaction from those relationships. I also don't want to really be deeply involved in another person's life. I'm setting out to experience, explore, rather than settle down. I'm unwilling to raise children. Be someone's trophy. Or a doll they can possess and play with. Maybe for a day? Or week? At most, for those I admire or who can share. I want people to appreciate me for my nature. I don't want to bend myself to fit a niche I don't believe in. I suppose a lot of people would consider me shallow. Narcissistic. I don't mind. My sense of self worth doesn't come from being a member of a particular group. Or being part of a family. Or being loved. I will work with a team of people, and I am very good at cooperation, diplomacy, and compromise. I just don't like being codependent. Or familial. Families aren't contractual or mutual to me. I don't value my connection to others. My loyalty is entirely to myself. I've sacrificed enough of my life on the alter of normalcy, expectation, the American dream. Perhaps there's no beingness for me with others. As I just don't form strong bonds. Or a sense of need or loss. I question my idea of love. It's more tolerance. Or admiration. For me love is wanting to leave a flower undisturbed, smell, appreciate, even touch, just do not try to take it or press it. Love its impermanence. People are mostly exploitive of eachother from my perspective. Or maybe it's how I think. There is no one I need. I don't desire or need to possess someone's attention. While I like attention. I'm open to receiving it and returning it. However momentary. That attention never turns into attachment. At least I am spared deep loss. I think I always expect the worst of people aswell. I never like to rely on anyone else doing the right thing. This complete distrust is incompatible with any kind of long term traditional relationship or commitment.
I have better moments of writing. These are unfamiliar concepts for me to communicate. Sometimes when I don't worry about clarity or accuracy I will write in figurative symbols.
I apologize for all the I's and I am's. I tried to break stuff up and be more organized. I'm a bit tired. I think I became rather lazier as I rambled.
Anyway. I have no formal education. Or proper practice. I think I just get lucky. It's better when I sit and wait. Come back and make my writing more consise and summarize. ~maerilith, velociraptor assassin.
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Hybrid Mode
