Know your role

[unsunghero]

Originally Posted by Jibartik [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

When i was in highschool there was this girl I was into, she seemed to like real shitty people who treated her like shit.

She was my good friend, I was totally in the friendzone. So I started like negging her all the time, everything she said Id have some insulting comeback to make her the butt of the joke.

We were walking down the street one day and she starts looking at me different then says, idk what it is about you lately..

and we were in a relationship the next week.

I tried to get together with her for like 2 years treating her like the hero I believed she was lol

I’ve heard this echo’d a lot, that girls like guys who treat them like shit

I don’t like it, it runs contrary to my personality. Like I said, you have to revert back to yourself sometime. Can’t be fake around someone 100% of the time, that’s just weird

I think it is a benefit to seem cool and aloof rather than clingy. Playing hard to get tends to more for a guy than easy to get. But I think as women get older especially, they are less interested in jerks unless those jerks are hot and/or rich

[Basanos]

Originally Posted by unsunghero [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

I’ve heard this echo’d a lot, that girls like guys who treat them like shit

I don’t like it, it runs contrary to my personality.

I've heard this too, but I have never directly observed it. I am with you. I can't be mean to people unless they are doing something outrageously bad. I've been accused of "running for mayor".

[Reiwa]

Originally Posted by Basanos [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

I've heard this too, but I have never directly observed it. I am with you. I can't be mean to people unless they are doing something outrageously bad. I've been accused of "running for mayor".

Mild heckling vs meanness I think.

[Kaveh]

Originally Posted by unsunghero [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

I’ve heard this echo’d a lot, that girls like guys who treat them like shit

I don’t like it, it runs contrary to my personality. Like I said, you have to revert back to yourself sometime. Can’t be fake around someone 100% of the time, that’s just weird

I think it is a benefit to seem cool and aloof rather than clingy. Playing hard to get tends to more for a guy than easy to get. But I think as women get older especially, they are less interested in jerks unless those jerks are hot and/or rich

You also don’t want a woman who likes being treated like shit

That’s daddy issues. You can’t turn a ho into a housewife. Did any of you guys have dads?

[Danth]

Originally Posted by Kaveh [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

You can’t turn a ho into a housewife.

It's curious how many people seem oblivious to that. Maybe desperation causes folks to lower their standards? If someone'll cheat on someone else, that someone will cheat on you just as readily. That applies to men and women both, works both ways. You should trust a cheat like you trust a scorpion--as something that will predictably act according to its nature because it knows no different.

[unsunghero]

Originally Posted by Danth [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

It's curious how many people seem oblivious to that. Maybe desperation causes folks to lower their standards? If someone'll cheat on someone else, that someone will cheat on you just as readily. That applies to men and women both, works both ways. You should trust a cheat like you trust a scorpion--as something that will predictably act according to its nature because it knows no different.

Completely agree. One I noticed, partly because I’ve done it too, is that everyone ultimately is going to act to some degree in their own self-interest. And this might mean keeping around a “back up” person as kind of a plan B while seeing someone else. As soon as things seem to be not working out with the original person, we start to kind of groom the “back up” person. For most people this grooming is not overt cheating, just becoming slightly more friendly towards them or maybe even communicating a tiny bit more frequently

I dunno why it is a comfort to have back ups. Maybe it’s a problem with me, but I don’t think I am nearly alone in it. I think unless you are a complete Chad you have been someone’s back up at one point. It’s not a great feeling, I know. Some people can’t handle it, and they freak out on the person who friendzoned them. I used to do this, but now with more confidence I have no problem with the idea of being a back up, as long as the person friendzoning me is considerably attractive enough

We tend to want to fuck up or across, not down, as Louis CK put it. So being friendzoned by someone you would see as a big step up to have sex with is more acceptable lol

[Danth]

Originally Posted by unsunghero [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

...

Your experiences you describe are largely alien to me. I have no experience dating as an adult. I was never anyone's "back up." I could not tolerate such ill-treatment. I asked out my first girlfriend when I was 11 in sixth grade. That well might've lasted permanently, we were plenty fond of each other, but fate had other ideas and it ended due to a long-distance move when we were 16. After I got done feeling sorry about that I went on a bunch of single dates with the occasional second date. If I determined a gal wasn't a potentially suitable wife, it was terminated and I looked elsewhere. Then and now I never saw the point in wasting time on obvious dead-ends. I had given the matter enough thought I had an idea of what criteria were necessary. Due to the mass-effort almost assembly-line-like philosophy I ended up meeting the wife when I was 18. Decades later we're still together obviously. If something were to happen to her I wouldn't even know where to start.

I wonder if what you talk about people acting in their own interest is a function of middle-aged adult dating. It's a vastly different situation. The best women are mostly long since married. You have a lot of sluts who realize their biological clock is ticking, some divorcees who were too intolerable for anyone to stay married to, and a smattering of divorcees who got out of bad relationships. Maybe the rare widow due to things like traffic crashes, etc. Many of them will have kids of their own, and all of them have established lives and priorities beyond, well, you. Same for you for that matter, you have your own life and household and anyone you get together with has to fit into it; you aren't building a life together in the manner of young adults just starting out. Some of what I see you post, now and then, seems very odd to me but I try to remind myself you're living in a situaton I've never experienced myself and frankly don't have a ton of idea how to deal with if I had to.

Danth

[unsunghero]

^
Oh no if anything it was far more common when I was younger

I try to differentiate between “back up” and friendzone. Friendzone can be someone who likes you but that you have zero romantic attraction towards. With a “back up”, there is at least the possibility of some attraction. That’s the difference in those terms when I use them. A back up is someone you friendzoned until maybe you are tired of being single or on a rebound

In order to have romantic partners and backups you have to generally socialize with a decent amount of people near to your age on a regular basis. Usually within the first few minutes-hours of socializing with someone you can have an idea if you could sleep with that person, based on your personal standards and their looks/personality. I’m assuming women are the same way in how they think. So let’s say you know 10 different single women. Some are friends, some are co-workers let’s say. Of those 10, you could hook up with maybe 3 of those, the rest you are just not attracted to for whatever reason (maybe they’re too out of shape, personality too annoying, whatever). Whether you are conscious of it or not, those 3 you could sleep with you arrange into a hierarchy in your mind. The one you are most attracted to/compatible with, and then the next 2 in line. This ranking is not something done consciously though. It’s not like someone sits down and makes lists of who is most fuckable of their friends, it just happens

It’s far more likely that the next 2 in line don’t end up being a back up due to circumstance. Maybe they get in a relationship, maybe they move, whatever. But if not, some people will deliberately keep them around because there is some level of romantic possibility there, they’re just not their first choice

Sorry, hope I don’t come across as too sociopathic with this line of thinking, but like I said, I think more people do this than you think, especially younger people

[Danth]

Originally Posted by unsunghero [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Sorry, hope I don’t come across as too sociopathic with this line of thinking, but like I said, I think more people do this than you think, especially younger people

Not the word I'd use, no. We're very different people obviously. I never dated with sex as a main priority, never had any interest in "hook ups" or "flings," just isn't how my mind is wired. I understood, if nebulously, even as a kid that physical intimacy comes with long-term relationships as part of the package. I only ever dated for the purpose of finding a potential wife.

I've known some people who were relegated to an obvious "back up" status at various times. Millennials for whatever reason seem way more prone to such things. My advice has always been, grow some self respect, don't let yourself be mistreated so badly, find someone else. Seems to me that a relationship with a "back up," who isn't preferred by definition, must be more likely to fail.

[Kaveh]

Originally Posted by unsunghero [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

^
Oh no if anything it was far more common when I was younger

I try to differentiate between “back up” and friendzone. Friendzone can be someone who likes you but that you have zero romantic attraction towards. With a “back up”, there is at least the possibility of some attraction. That’s the difference in those terms when I use them. A back up is someone you friendzoned until maybe you are tired of being single or on a rebound

In order to have romantic partners and backups you have to generally socialize with a decent amount of people near to your age on a regular basis. Usually within the first few minutes-hours of socializing with someone you can have an idea if you could sleep with that person, based on your personal standards and their looks/personality. I’m assuming women are the same way in how they think. So let’s say you know 10 different single women. Some are friends, some are co-workers let’s say. Of those 10, you could hook up with maybe 3 of those, the rest you are just not attracted to for whatever reason (maybe they’re too out of shape, personality too annoying, whatever). Whether you are conscious of it or not, those 3 you could sleep with you arrange into a hierarchy in your mind. The one you are most attracted to/compatible with, and then the next 2 in line. This ranking is not something done consciously though. It’s not like someone sits down and makes lists of who is most fuckable of their friends, it just happens

It’s far more likely that the next 2 in line don’t end up being a back up due to circumstance. Maybe they get in a relationship, maybe they move, whatever. But if not, some people will deliberately keep them around because there is some level of romantic possibility there, they’re just not their first choice

Sorry, hope I don’t come across as too sociopathic with this line of thinking, but like I said, I think more people do this than you think, especially younger people

Don’t take this the wrong way dude, but I think you are thinking about dating all wrong. It sounds like you want to get pussy with multiple different women. That’s fine if it’s your goal, but if you’d like to get married at some point you’re thinking about it like it’s strategy when it’s actually just living your life normally. You can’t have a “main bitch” and a “backup”. Neither will work out and in fact, they’re more likely to meet one another and kill you. Women are cannier than men. You can’t fool them. Hope this helps