Embarrassing Moments

[Ephirith]

I've had a history of embarrassing myself in horrible ways. Sometimes I lie awake at night and this shit plays in my mind like a slideshow and it makes me cringe. I really don't think anybody will be able to top me, but I'd sure as hell like to see it. I hope that by reading about my misfortune you might feel better about your own life.

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1. Pop a Nervous Boner Up Against a Girl's Head

It was the first quarter of my first year of college. I went through the entirety of high school with basically no female contact, spending the majority of my time playing World of Warcraft and hanging out with one or two friends.

I went to college, and suddenly I had lots of friends, and many of them were girls! Holy shit! I really had no idea how to properly interact with them but I was plugging along the best I could. One day, I was sitting in the hallway outside my dorm room hanging out with my friends, talking about various things. This girl I knew from one floor down walked in and sat down beside me.

Then she did something I was utterly unprepared for; she laid down and put her head on my lap, facing up toward the ceiling. Holy fucking shit, this girl has her head on my lap. She's touching me. Her head is literally making contact with my dick and balls. I started shaking and struggled to keep talking normally. Then unthinkable events began to take motion-- I felt a throbbing and stirring in my pants. It was all happening so quickly and I didn't know what to do.

Before I knew it, I was pitching a tent. I felt pressure as my inflating pecker hit a solid surface-- the back of her head. By now I was sweating uncontrollably. With every heartbeat the pressure increased a little bit, and my heartbeat was getting faster and faster. There was a lull in the conversation and I think it sunk into both of us at the same instant, exactly what was going on. Slowly, she sat upright, stood up, and just walked away without another word.

I'm pretty sure she kept it under wraps because they didn't stop associating with me until the end of that year. I only wish I had kept it under wraps too, if you know what I mean.

2. Jimmy Carter Comes to Speak at my Campus and I Interrupt His Lecture

That year I was in the honors program and I was able to attend the lecture for free with one of my professors, and sit in the 4th row near some faculty, the dean, etc, and I was allowed to bring a friend. Though I failed to recognize any issue with it, the pal that I chose had a problem with sleeping bordering on narcolepsy. He would fall asleep in his computer chair, in the dining hall, always during class, anywhere and all the time.

We showed up at this lecture and Jimmy Carter began to speak. About 15 minutes in, I noticed my buddy nodding off. His head would slowly sink and he'd slump over, and then he'd violently right himself and snap back to alertness. He did this three or four times and every time he did it, several heads would turn and give us nasty looks.

Then it got bad. He started slumping over forward, but he didn't catch himself. He remained like that for what seemed like forever, slumped over in his seat. His breathing slowed down and he started whistling from his nose. He was about to start snoring. It was barely audible but it was enough to where the people nearby could hear it during pauses in the lecture and they kept looking at him.

It was making me nervous so I elbowed him in the ribs and he jerked up violently, kicking the chair in front of him. Jimmy Carter paused for a split second and kept going.

About another minute went by and he started slumping over again. This was all just too much for me, and I got an irresistible urge to laugh. I tried as hard as I could to keep it in, but that only made me want to laugh harder. I was quivering, and my breathing was all fucked up. I started pinching my lips in an attempt not to smile. Then my friend caught himself again and jerked his head up. I lost control and started convulsing, then let loose a loud, audible snort.

Jimmy Carter stopped and looked down at us. His face was expressionless. The room was completely silent, and I felt like I was having a heart attack that seemed to go on forever. He remained silent for a moment, just looking at us, then continued speaking and I was too panicked to laugh. A few minutes later, I looked over at my friend and he had sunk down in his chair and fallen asleep, and he slept until the lecture was over.

3. Girl Hugs All My Friends Then High-Fives Me

When I was a teenager I tried going to a dance once with a few of my friends. I was awkward, nervous, and self conscious and didn't really know how to interact there. After it was over, my three friends and I were outside saying goodbye to a group of girls. One of them, the hottest one, went down the line hugging my friends. When she got to me, I opened my arms to give her a hug. She hesitated and then said "...High five!". I lowered my head, looked at the ground, and high-fived her.

All of my friends laughed, all of her friends laughed, then she laughed and my friend's parents who were waiting to pick us up in the car nearby, they laughed too.

4. I Get Drunk and Go On Animalistic Rampage, Destroy Landscaping, Shit Outside a Trader Joes

During my first year of college, I was playing DotA with a couple of my friends on a Saturday night. I thought it would be a good idea to have 14 shots of tequila and Goldschläger. We started a game and about 10-15 minutes later I got up and ran out of the room.

I ran down to the common room and started screaming and hissing at people like an animal. I don’t remember what I said, but I would later learn it included:

-Which of the girls I wanted to fuck
-Racial slurs

My friends followed me and tried to grab me and haul me back to the room, and after a bit of wrestling I bit one of them and ran away. We were all underage and had I encountered an authority figure, we would have all been fucked. I ran outside into the vegetation surrounding the dorm and started eating various flowers and plants.

My friends grabbed me yet again and pulled me back into the dorm, where I tracked in dirt and plants and got them all over the place. By then, nearly everyone who was there had come out to see what the commotion was about. I overpowered my friends yet again, bloodied one of their faces, and sprinted in a random direction. I blasted directly through a hedgerow, destroying it and leaving a human-size hole that was still there several years later. Several of the guys followed me as I ran away. I left the dorms, sprinting full speed, crossed a busy road, and kept going.

I ended up at a shopping center with a Trader Joes and a Jack in the Box and, exchausted, I keeled over in the grass next to the drive through and spit out some dirt and plants. Several people caught up to me, but I was 6’4 and about 210lbs at the time, and they couldn’t move me. There was nothing they could do, so they just sat there with me and tried to keep me under control.

Eventually I stood up and hobbled over to the Trader Joes. I went behind the store to the dumpster, stood next to it, pulled down my gym shorts, and my ass gurgled out several spurts of diarrhea. I wiped my ass with some leaves and garbage, rode back to my dorm in a shopping cart, puked on the floor of my room, and fell asleep.

Stupidest thing I've ever done and I still regret it.