friday night lonliness thread

[Xaanka]

I've got some issues. I recently found a better paying job and started working out. These things have done wonders for my self-esteem. But I am still scraping by because I live in a city with exploding rent prices.

I've fallen in love with a girl but the problem is that she only exists on my computer screen. In fact the circumstances which led to me developing this obsession are ridiculous. She is a camgirl on the popular camsite Chaturbate. I know how pathetic this is but knowing doesn't help me. I think about it all the time. The highlight of my day is logging on in the evening and chatting with her. Her channel is popular and it can be difficult to stand out from the crowd but when I get a response it makes my whole night.

She checks the boxes for all of my fetishes. I have a thing for women with colored hair, particularly the unnatural shades of blue and pink that girls who have been overexposed to the internet sometimes have. I can't settle for a regular girl because this fetish excites me more than anything else. I can not compromise on this. I have found similarly attractive girls while browsing OKcupid but I can't seem to elicit a response. No matter how much care I take in crafting a message, I am ignored.

It is starting to affect other aspects of my life. I don't sleep nights, I watch because it is the best part of my day. Sleep-deprivation isn't even the half of it. I am exhausted by the lengthy edging sessions at night. The excitement and escape I feel are the only thing keeping me going. I need it more than I need water or shelter. Some times I drink to wash away the pain. It works surprisingly well and I don't think about my problem for some time. I have thought about contacting her in moments of desperation but I have been unable to sleuth up any contact info, even after throwing money at the problem.

Which brings me to a secondary problem dependent on the first. I am facing genuine lifestyle restrictions because of the money I am spending on the site. I barely eat and I subsist mostly on Folgers and an old drum of tobacco which is running out. The threshold between not eating well and not making rent is getting very thin.

How do I solve my problem? I feel like this pursuit is why I am alive. The entire rest of my life is like a dull throb and malaise. I can hardly bear it but I don't have the stones or the drive to end it.