Occupy Wall Street - Success

vaylorie · #1 11-30-2011, 11:07 PM

The federal government announced today that it has decided to succumb to Occupy Wall Street demands. Occupy Wall Street leaders were happy to hear the news and said that their hard work has paid off and that they will resume normal showing and general personal hygiene attention. Due to this, the following laws are now in effect.

Capitalism is a crime.
All people regardless of job, longevity, performance or amount of work done now make the same wage.
*****This includes those with the job ‘homeless’, ‘hobo’, or ‘neckbeard’.
College education is now free for all people.
All debt is wiped off the books and forgiven.
*****Including credit cards, mortgages, home equity loans, student loans, personal loans and that $5 that I owe John.
Government health care is provided for all people
*****All those in the insurance industry have been reassigned to be janitors at local high schools
All forms of border constraints have been removed and anyone can travel anywhere at any time. Immigration is no longer a consideration as citizenship now means nothing.
All elections will be done via paper ballot and counted 35 times by ‘trusted’ officials.
All drugs are now legal and encouraged to use.
All exports and imports are deemed evil and are banned permanently.
All campaigns are publically financed
The military is now disbanded
1 Trillion dollars in immediate spending for public works projects
All property is now community property.
Oil and natural gas is now banned from use. Solar and Wind energy are the only acceptable forms of energy generation.
Any company with more than 5 employees is considered an evil corporation and will be dismantled.
Shopping and consumerism is forbidden, the government will distribute food and supplies to all people in an equal and just manner.

Effective tax rate for all people are now 95.2% and the last act of the military is to round up all people with more than $1M of net worth to be jailed indefinitely for crimes against humanity stemming from having possessions that others do not have.

This is a resounding success for all OWS suppors everywhere but a special thanks goes out to the Communist Party USA, Black Panthers, Revolutionary Communist Party, American Nazi Party, Hezbollah, Government of North Korea, Communist Party of China, Hugo Chavez and Ayatollah Khamenei for your dedicated public support.