Very Easy™ Gnomish Guide to Dominion Over All of Reality via Psychological Operations

CrazyPro · #1 03-31-2025, 01:00 AM

Chapter 1: Primordial Evil Made Manifest

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Quote:

"The opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself." - Tsun Tzu

It is highly debated amongst even the wisest sages as to why gnomes are the way they are. Some have speculated that perhaps it is their environment that has lead for the gnomes to be so industrious, which is just plain wrong. Look around, there's dirt, some trees, pebbles, bushes, and birds (government spy drones), nothing there is interesting and it is impossible for some random little fellow to look at a rock and say, "Ah, yes, I should build an army of mechanical replicas of myself with which I shall plot total world domination!" because they DON'T get those ideas from the rock. It is not from their environment, nay, it is from their pure, hyperintelligent evil, of which they are the material manifestation of. Gnomes are the ones pulling the strings behind the scenes.

And you may say, "You're pulling this information out of your ass! There is no evidence that gnomes are uber evil megalomaniacs who control every facet of our society!" but that is exactly what they want you to think. The only reason you are alive is because the gnomes allow you to live. Every single issue that plagues us in these times is the fault of the gnomes. That hidden camera that you found in your airbnb? Gnomes. That one time you locked your car and left the keys inside? Gnomes. That one guy who somehow shows up every single time Magi P`Tasa spawns in Plane of Hate? Guess what, they're a GNOME!

Hold it right there, don't go grab a hammer and smash your garden gnomes just yet! Because this is a guide made BY GNOMES, FOR GNOMES! You certainly wouldn't be reading this masterfully written guide if you didn't plan on turning Norrath into your playground, now would you? "BUT HOW I DO THAT? I AM STUPID!" you may think to yourself, but don't worry, I've got you covered!

The first step in the long journey to achieving apotheosis and ascending beyond the limits of your mortal body is fairly simple! OPEN THE GAME AND LOG IN TO PROJECT 1999! Okay, that wasn't so hard, now was it? Great!

Click on the button "Create a New Character"

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No, don't click on the screenshot of the button, click on the actual button. Idiot.
Okay, now for your race you will want to select Gnome.
GREAT JOB!

Now click on Enchanter.
INCREDIBLE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YOU'RE SO GOOD AT THIS!

Pick a face that doesn't make you look like a disgusting little gremlin.

Now put 25 of your starting points into CHA, and the 5 left over into STA. You will want to be as charismatic as possible so that people will not realize they are being manipulated by a tiny man with a funny looking nose.

For your deity you will need to pick Agnostic, because you already ARE a deity.

Choose any name that tickles your fancy, you're the one who's in charge, after all.

Immediately, as soon as you spawn in, type /role. You can't have them knowing that you're actually an enchanter. NEVER go off of /role! You must never allow the knowledge of your true identity to reach the masses.

Turn in your note, don your Dirty Gold Felt Robe*, brandish your Dagger*, scribe and memorize your starting spells, train 1 point in Sense Heading, and set out for Steamfont Mountains. Buff up with Minor Shielding and go poke small critters to death and sell their carcasses to Crisyn at the druid rings until you have enough money to afford your first set of spells.

Now, you surely must have noticed by now the horrible infestation of kobolds (furries). These people dress up as animals and poop and pee in people's yards and they will ambush innocent travelers such as yourself and relentlessly snuggle you to death and and leave you writhing on the ground at the dead of night choking on dog fur.

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Should you survive one of these deadly furry encounters you will be permanently physically and mentally scarred so it is very important that you pay attention to your surroundings and also check the bottom of your shoes for poop every once in awhile.

During your travels it is inevitable that you will happen upon one of these:

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These are internment camps set up by the government in an effort to contain the constantly growing furry population. Unfortunately furries have a tendency to be very wealthy and educated individuals and their fursuits contain built-in insulated gloves so they were able to dismantle the electric fences and now these internment camps have been repurposed into a meeting place for furry conventions.

Once you get to level 4 you will be capable of clearing these camps. Do so mercilessly and allow your malice to guide you in your purging of these aspiring dogs.

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Eventually you will realize that it's a lost cause and just give up and go grind bone chips to turn in to Gunlok until level 8.

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You'll be clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking endlessly, bone chip after bone chip, stack after stack, until it dawns on you that you have left clicked on your grease-coated mouse more times than your heart has ever beaten.

So now you've hit level 8 after going through the ninth circle of hell and now you're looking at the wiki, and then you notice how all of your animation pet spells from this point onward (save for the 50-60 ones) are sold EXCLUSIVELY in High Keep. So it looks like you were actually in the first circle of hell because whoever decided it was a good idea to make you walk across half the ENTIRE GODDAMNED PLANET to get a crappy and annoying pet spell should hijack some raggedy-ass tractor and drive through the entire Pan-American Highway from start to finish and back again so he can feel but a fraction of the pain he forces enchanters to endure. I signed up to abuse an overpowered class, not crawl the Oregon Trail while weighed down by a ball and chain.

smh my head stupid devs [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.][You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.][You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

Go to Crushbone and crush some bones and don't stop playing the game just keep doing it it'll be worth all the effort, your mama didn't raise a quitter. This is around the time when your soon to be ex-wife will start getting concerned about your priorities but just ignore her she doesn't know what she's talking about, EQ is your new love now and you wouldn't let anything get between you and your dear elf simulator.

Okay, here comes the hardest part of the guide. You will have to get your moldy ass cheeks out of the chair. Do not worry, little EQ player, the chair will stay perfectly molded to the contours of your fat sweaty booty cheeks for when you wiggle back to the chair. It's just that you won't be needing the chair anymore. Sorry, life's not fair. Anyways, go see to it that a toilet (elite gaming throne) is installed in the location of your previous chair.

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By now you've moved in with your elderly mother because your wife dumped you (your charm spell broke) and kicked you out of the house (kicked you out of the guild). She also wants custody of the kids. Whatever, we don't need kids anyways, you can just not show up to court and you probably won't have to worry about dealing with your kids anymore.

Avoid other players because they're all a part of the big conspiracy against you. If someone knocks on your door you better migrate down to the basement and seal yourself off from the outside world. If you're already in the basement then you should've already foreseen this and had a secondary basement basement under your basement constructed along with a tube connected to your backyard so that your mom can still drop fresh and steamy hotpockets down into your secluded gamer lair (or if you have a laundry chute that works too but the remote-controlled government spy rats will sometimes go down those so watch out).

If the power goes out then that's too bad, your mom has stopped paying the electricity bill. Sounds like a skill issue to me, nub. Get better at the game and stop making excuses. At this point you've been waiting for the power to come back on for several days and the hot pockets have stopped coming down the chute so maybe it's time to break out of your musty gaming sarcophagus and find a new basement to set up a new gamer lair. Claw your way out of your crumbling basement and be careful when you dig to the surface because someone might mistake you for a zombie rising from beneath the earth and hit you over the head with a baseball bat so just be sure to listen out for anybody nearby lest you get caught in a very slow and painful game of whack-a-mole. Once you finally rise to the surface you will hiss at the sun and cower in pain as it's purifying rays of heat rend the degeneracy from your colorless soul...

... which is what would happen if you were a DUMB STUPID IDIOT and didn't bring sunglasses to protect your fragile body from that repulsive fiery orb in the sky that the normies call the "sun".

Anyways assuming you've gotten settled in an all new gamer lair now you just need to wait for me to write chapter 2 to this truly amazing guide because I've reached the 10 image limit for posts on the forums and I can't put more in to show you things because you can't comprehend information written in text because you dropped out of school at an early age.