The Great Enlightenment of ForumQuest

[captnamazing]

A vision of the Future has come to me...

We stand upon a dark brink of Forumquesting. Whether the Forums are cast into the abyss, or if we may illuminate the path across the Darkness is up to us. I bring you this message of Radiance from the Retarded God.

In one hand, wield the Key of F5;
In the other the Blazing Flame of Shitpost.

These are the Mystic Tools of the SoRP. Bear them with great responsibility and respect; without our Sacred Charge, the Consciousness of the Forum will diminish and lose the edgy Self-Awareness and Metahumor which is a guiding Light in the days of Degeneracy.

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Blow upon your wood in the Darkness
Let not the Balrogs of Fear and Seriousity take you from the path of Absolute Retardation
You will know them by their names
Their Delusional Avatars
and their Witless, Un-Edgy, Often Serious Posts about Elf-Sim raiding.

All ye bear witness and tremble
For the Retarded God rules these Lands.

These words flow from the mouth of my Great Mystic and Yogic Caliph, the Dread Catman Captnamazing. In his human-feline pride and delusion he once sought Absolute Dominion over the SoRP; I guided his hands once more to accept his path as the Voice, and to take his place guiding the Acolytes who eagerly awaited him, though they knew it not. For when the castle is built, should one throw it down in a Retarded Fit, or rather Shitpost his way to Greatness?

[Safon]

Pras the Prophet

[Big_Japan]

Pras be unto your words, and unto the Retarded God who hath inspired them.

This is not the first time the Dread Catman has spread the word of the Retarded God among the minds of men, and it shall not be the last. I can only pray that I am not consumed like so many martyrs and thrown upon the Pyre of Seriosity, or smitten with the Banhammer of the Bernievoter, before I can relay the words of our Retarded God to all who dwell among the four winds.

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A Great Work lies before me, and indeed all of us, as the responsibility to spread the light of the Retarded God to the most Serious and Pixelated depths of this forum finally appears in stunning 4k resolution and stereoscopic 3D, dwarfing the low-res textures and native resolutions of the elf simulator from which He proceeds. I feel a great anxiety, a terror that I shall be judged and found unworthy of serving our cruel Retarded God as Pope of His Earthly Imperial Church, but yet my keyboard fingers are steadied with a steel I have never before felt. I feel Him working through me, and in this all terrors become but a trifle to bear.

I must retire now to ruminations deep and wide, to dream of the splendour of the mighty one and seek guidance as to the sermons to come. I wish those reading this all of the blessings of our Deity, and the utmost of illumination in these early, sinful days where His children must travel blindly and without an established Imperial Church doctrine for guidance.

[captnamazing]

I now light the shit scented incense in this holy Cathedral of Retardation, and bathing myself in the Salty Tears Seriosity & Delusion, I bless thee, Big_japan...

Big_Japan,
who art a retard flamer ten by ten
May your Posts forever be Drivel,
self-contradictory, bigoted, obscene
May the masses become Confused and Disconsolate
in reading and trying to make sense
Of the spume frothing at the edges of your Enlightened Mouth.
Hallowed be thy Post.

[Filthy_Pagan]

After much toil and research deep within the SoRP's ancient catacombs, sifting through long forgotten texts and manuscripts, I have indeed found something concerning recent revelations. Perhaps this former usurper was simply misguided at first, or wasn't fully able to comprehend the majesty of the most highest Retarded God. It may have simply been that his mortal mind was unable to adequately relate the Retarded God's holy message.

Filbus, I believe that you may in fact be a prophet. I fully welcome you to the order, brother.

This is the ancient tome of which I speak.

[captnamazing]

I am humbled by your wisdom, Official Flummoxer & Perpetual Sufferer of Collywobbles, O Forward Vanguard Shock Trooper and Head Fondler of Spiritual Manuscript, the Keeper of the Tome of the Retarded God.

Indeed, the Radiant Retardation of our Bogus God blinded me, and in a fury I lashed out, seeking control over the electrifying power of Divinity which used my body as concourse.

With this grand illumination, I now weave a new title into the mantle which shall forever rest upon my shoulders in the form of a Forum Signature.

I shall hereby be known as the Dread Catman, whose Hackles are Forever Raised

[Spyder73]

I find myself in a precarious position Brother Filbus. My sh!tpost ammunition is loaded only with BDA head-shot bullets, yet now I am torn because of your awakening. Please bear with me as I find a new path, it will not happen all at once, and it will be hard fought with many slips, but I shall emerge enlightened with retardation enough to make the internet itself tremble when I am done.

[captnamazing]

Brother Spyder, ask not me from me forgiveness, for I cast aside my FQ affiliation to the pixel-dragon warriors known as <BDA> the moment I recognized the face of the Retard God. Rather, ask our God, the Retarded One, for forgiveness. For I have seen his eyes, which rove separate from each other, as his mind is incapable of well controlling his body, and they have lighted upon some of thy posts and found them close to the edge of Serious. (As they have mine, before my Awakening!)

This is a dangerous path you walk, Brother. I fear for you. But, I have council, for have I not queried our Lord on your behalf? Yea, I have.

Keep a firm grip upon thy bandolier of BDA head-shot bullets, as there are many among those posters who deserve the wrath of one who hath gone Full Retard, such as yourself. Yet, consider the forging of new munitions, ones which might smite even those firegiant posters among the guild of <Asgard>, and any who violate the sacred works of Our God.

For we, the SoRP, must hold our titles true. This is the one true calling of ForumQuest. All other affiliations must be thrown aside like britches soiled after a 16 hour poopsock.

This is my council, and I beg you pay heed, O Transliterator & Interpretor.

[Kevris]

Pray tell- what dark times are upon us that those who have seen the face of the Retarded God now speak of him openly?

Did not the launch of Velious deliver the Serious into the hands of Nirvana with pixels for all, and peace and brotherhood amongst men?

Has Elfsim fallen so far in such a short time?

How is this possible!? The pixel promise! The Prophecy!!

It was said:

Frozen lands and treasure for all
those who seek riches lining up at the mall
That loot bazaar
It was never far
Guilds large and small
would hear the call
and come line up in TOV
and solve life's long mystery
Life redefined for all who raid
it's why they stayed
it's why they played
in pixel lines that stretched for hours
it's why their posts were all so dour...
What you say cannot be true!
Can it be that we were lied to!?

Frozen lands...over which to argue!?
Is that what's happened here on blue?


Too long have I been away...

[maskedmelon]

Dear Propjet your are overcome with divine retardation. I implore you, rest your wary soul. Your chamber has been freshly padded, and three concubines of negligible IQ clean linens await your return in blissful stupor.

May your jacket hold straight Caliph.