Lhancelot, The Chimera

[d3r14k]

(For the previous chapter: https://www.project1999.com/forums/showthread.php?t=288935)

After returning home to the sprawling forest of the Faydark, Tuluven suddenly felt as if he'd seen a ghost. Merchant Nildar stood before him, peddling his junk on his usual platform. Surprise turned to confusion as the visions of the Rivervale Massacre that took place only a fortnight ago flashed before his eyes. Nildar looked relatively unharmed, save for the abrasion on his forehead, which might have always been there anyway.

"Hello Tuluven, would you like to see the new shipment of a bottle of milk I just got in?", Merchant Nildar said dumbly.

"Fuck your milk, Nildar!" Tuluven exclaimed. "People died for you! I mean...they were only halflings, but I'm sure someone cares about the loss."

The rationale for Tuluven's murders and arson were now meaningless. Was it all for naught!? Excuses swirled like a vortex of colors in his mind, unable to settle on one because the deceptions all seemed to melt together. He cursed Filbus under his breath. This had to be some kind of hobbit trickery...

Tuluven shrugged and moved on.

https://i.imgur.com/eRKEW5I.png

He could not be bothered with such trivial things today. A more important task awaited him at the famed Faydark's Champions building. Rumor had it that one of the Rangers there knew the secret of a mystical transformation. Tuluven flung open the door like he owned the place and marched up to Dill Fireshine.

He cleared his throat and spoke with as much authority as he could muster, "Hail, Dill Fireshine. Teach me the secrets of transformation."

Dill stood from his chair. His eyes were bloodshot and a spittle of drool hung from his lip. He was obviously super fucked up. Tuluven secretly ached to get on his level. 'Could I have the wrong guy?' he thought to himself.

"Ah, hey bruh. Yeah...like...I heard you were coming. You need to find your spirit animal, bruh. This is important for Rangers and Druids of all walks of life." Dill reached into his pocket and began fumbling with something. It made a familiar crumpling sound, like a baggie. Tuluven's interest was piqued. "You'll need to like... do me a favor, in return."

Tuluven nodded quickly. "Sure, anything."

Dill closed his eyes and let out a heavy, forlorn sigh. "There is a troll we need to dispose of."

Tuluven was taken aback by the simplicity of the request. "A troll?" Tuluven asked. "I have dealt with plenty of trolls."

Dill shook his head. "Well...he's not really a troll, people just call him that for some reason. His name is Lhancelot, The Chimera."

"What is a Chimera?" Tuluven pondered aloud.

"He is an unnatural union of cat and machine. I am told he is sex-crazed, as well as devious and spiteful. You will find him in the Steamfont Mountains." Dill paused for a moment before continuing, "But enough about that. Here, you'll need this to find your spirit animal." He produced a bag of green cacti-looking substance from his pocket, the like of which Tuluven had never seen. "It is called lophophora williamsii."

"What is that?" Tuluven asked.

"Peyote, bruh. This story is about to get weird."

"Fuckin' awesome". Tuluven snatched it up quickly and ate the entire bag. The room began to spin. A small, winged beast that he had not noticed before fluttered about his head. The acrid smell of smoke from the fire in the room burned his nostils. His senses were heightened...

https://i.imgur.com/dqHa0Go.png

There was a humming sound. Softly at first, then louder. Wub....wub....wub.... Tuluven was suddenly afraid. He had taken too much peyote. He felt the skin fall from his arms as feathers sprouted in their place. His face ached and he felt the hardness of a beak. Talons spread where his toes once were.

https://i.imgur.com/B1dy3Qc.png

Dill looked pleased. "Now fly, bruh. Fly to the Steamfont Mountains and slay Lhancelot, The Chimera."

Tuluven leapt from the window and soared from the Kelethin heights to even further altitudes in the sky.

https://i.imgur.com/I9NlfSt.png

Before long, Steamfont was before him. He landed in a soft patch of tall grass and let out a loud "CACAW!" One blink. Again. The feathers had receded... He was himself again, though the effects from the peyote were still prevalent. Tuluven took a moment to regain his composure, but before he had the chance, The Chimera was upon him.

It was utterly hideous. The body of a mechanical spider with a cat's head mounted on top. He supposed the cat was cute once, though that time was long past. Tuluven waited for Lhancelot to speak first.

https://i.imgur.com/zvENXjo.png

A raspy, mechanical voice broke the silence, "What do you have in your computer? I suppose it's an INCEL processor, you beta cuck!"

Tuluven raised an eyebrow. He did not know what these words meant, though he took them for an insult nonetheless. "I have come to slay you, troll!" He announced with stalwart resolve.

Lhancelot purred at the mention of being called a troll, as if he was basking in the misunderstanding of others. "I am not a troll, I just like to chat with all of you."

https://i.imgur.com/eYJd3bH.png

Tuluven found himself sitting down with a lowered guard. This Chimera seemed to be long winded in nature. Somehow though, he understood what Lhancelot meant. He liked talking with this Chimera as well, though he had to uphold his part of the bargain for Dill. "It matters not! I will slay you regardless! You are an affront to nature, and you have obviously ruined your own lands!" Tuluven lept to his feet.

Lhancelot tilted back his feline head and let loose a cackle. "If you wish to defeat me, you must first face my contraption! It is my magnum opus of mechanical mayhem! I will rule Norrath atop this vehicle!"

Suddenly, a large creaking could be heard from off in the distance. When it rounded the corner, Tuluven's jaw dropped.

.
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.
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The whir of gears drowned out the sounds of the animals frolicking nearby....
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https://i.imgur.com/TTtLyvV.gif

He was a mixture of amazed and bewildered, all with the realization that Lhancelot, The Chimera must die...

(To be continued...)

[skarlorn]

i'm tagging this thread to read after i wrap some edits

[Perseus]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IfjAatRIBcc/UReMTLu617I/AAAAAAAAJ4c/YHm1iAorF00/s1600/Senor-Chang.gif

[Baler]

I laughed, subbing for the continuation of this adventure.

[Pokesan]

lhancelot is the goddamn devil

not joking

[skarlorn]

this story is very pleasing to behold in numerous ways. any story that contains probably a gnomish engineered dildo machine is AUTOMATIC CANON

10 points to Ravencl;aw

[Lhancelot]

I laughed, subbing for the continuation of this adventure.

[Spyder73]

didn't read because Lhance is in title

Also CUCK is not spelled CHIMERA

[vorpal_raddish]

A weapon to surpass metal gear.

[Canelek]

Wobbly for certain.

[Lhancelot]

didn't read because Lhance is in title

Also CUCK is not spelled CHIMERA

I don't like your newest avatar its kind of blurry and childish. Please go back to the Jerry Jones zombie avatar. :p

[Baler]

"devious and spiteful"

[SiouxNation]

TLDR? Plz help

[aMindAmok]

11/10

[Rygar]

My homo-erotica tales have clearly inspired this gem of a thread. Bravo good sir. It is definitely befitting of it's own thread, may it live many a year on the front page!

[Lemonhead]

But how does Lancebot still remain? Is it that strong and resilient of spirit? There's something wrong with everything here.

To ask what is Lancebot, is to ask what is me, what is the world, what is consciousness itself.

[Spyder73]

But how does Lancebot still remain? Is it that strong and resilient of spirit? There's something wrong with everything here.

To ask what is Lancebot, is to ask what is me, what is the world, what is consciousness itself.

[Lemonhead]

Ok, So, this is the Matrix and ummm, Lance is...Or wait, Lance IS the Matrix and we are illogically feeding it's power because we are perpetual motion machines of pure drivel and something about dinosaurs are really cool and...

I wish I was jakerees so bad right now. where are you?

[Spyder73]

I don't like your newest avatar its kind of blurry and childish. Please go back to the Jerry Jones zombie avatar. :p

You know what the difference between your mom and my washing machine is? My washing machine doesn't follow me around for 2 weeks after I drop a load in it.

[Lhancelot]

I just like to chat with you guys!

[skarlorn]

TLDR? Plz help

An evil wood elf guilty of halfling massacre shrugs off his conscience in the quest for greater power. After eating a peyote button, the elf trips out into the spirit world where he confronts a perverted chimera who reveals a weapon of mass destruction.

[d3r14k]

An evil wood elf guilty of halfling massacre shrugs off his conscience in the quest for greater power. After eating a peyote button, the elf trips out into the spirit world where he confronts a perverted chimera who reveals a weapon of mass destruction.

EVIL!? He thought he was avenging his people. Don't you paint him in that light.

[Rivera]

lhancelot is easily my most favorite person on the forums... so glad hes finally getting the recognition he deserves!

[d3r14k]

For Episode I (https://www.project1999.com/forums/showthread.php?t=288935)

In the calm tranquility of Northern Felwithe...

https://i.imgur.com/oaubdQ3.png

His head throbbed. "Ugh...throbbing was a bad word choice for some reason", Tuluven thought to himself. After a groan, he managed to open his eyes, only to find several priests standing around him.

https://i.imgur.com/T8xMCtK.png

Their leader, Yeolarn raised his chin and spoke: "Tuluven, you are awake! It has taken the collective might of the Clerics of Tunare to rid you of your drug-induced stupor. Alas, you have also suffered many grave wounds."

Tuluven inspected himself. There were several abrasions around his lower back, as if someone had been thrusting there but was not quite sure how to do it properly. Surely this was the work of Lhancelot... "What happened, Master Yeolarn? I remember nothing save that I was set on by a mechanical beast."

The Grandmaster Cleric nodded his head voraciously, rustling his alabaster hair. "You were happened upon by Dill Fireshine in the middle of the Steamfont Mountains. Your pants were about your ankles and your demeanor was that of an inconsolable stripling." Yeolarn sighed. "I fear if not for Dill, your state would have been grave."

Tuluven continued to look about his person. "And what of my breastplate and my leggings!? I have been robbed!"

"You have not been robbed, young Druid. You sold your belongings for more peyote not a fortnight past. Do you truly remember nothing? Have you heard nothing!? The Clerics of Tunare have worked tirelessly to rebind your mortal and mental coils. You were defeated by Lhancelot and his Gnomish-Engineered Dildo Machine. It has been terrorizing the countryside and you are being blamed for its release."

"Well piss", Tuluven muttered to himself. "There has to be something I can do!"

"There is more. Even worse, the Gods have seen it fit to destroy the entire continent due to the threat this dildo machine poses. They have cast a powerful summoning spell to crush the continent: The Moon of Phenyo. It will decimate Faydwer in 72 hours if you do nothing." Yeolarn gracefully rose a plated arm towards the door and gestured. "Follow me outside."

Tuluven looked to the sky and could not believe his eyes.

https://i.imgur.com/7kc8HBd.png

Yeolarn continued, "There is but one hope for us. Travel to the deserts outside Freeport and locate a gnome named Ping Fuzzlecutter. He searches for a long lost artifact that will aid us. It will dispel Lhancelot's power in one fell swoop."

Tuluven sprang to his feet. "I will waste no time!" Tuluven knew after being de-pants'd and likely fucked unconscious by this dildo machine he had to save some face. He began a wicked awesome port spell with many bright lights and vibrant colors to try to impress the elves, but instead fizzled several times and had to meditate.

*le sigh*

Before long, he had made it to Freeport to seek out Ping Fuzzlecutter:

https://i.imgur.com/Xc3ToZZ.png

"Bork bork!" Tuluven announced himself. He began a long ramble to bring Mr. Fuzzlecutter up to speed. After some conversation, Ping led Tuluven to his excavations and pointed towards a skull he had uncovered.

"Do not come any closer!" Ping warned. "I have dug for this skull in this very spot for 19 years. Finally the fruits of my labor will be realized." He called over his assistant, a halfling who he had lovingly named "Derpington" and they began to meticulously uncover the ancient skull. Derpington looked similar to Filbus, as if he were his retarded cousin. Tuluven wondered if there was a relation...

Without much warning, Derpington let out a wild autistic screech and brought his excavation tool down with +50 bulging retard strength:

https://i.imgur.com/fcTqCyl.gif

Ping looked horrifed and instinctively laid a mean backhand to Derpington's face. "You fool of Took! We have been here for part-near two decades and you fuck this up! Leave it to a hobbit! I have half a mind to...t-". Ping seemed to trail off as he reached into the back of the skull and uncovered something. An ancient and powerful artifact: The Statue of Baler. "By Brell...we've found it." He identified the statue:

https://i.imgur.com/R69OhFN.png

Tuluven piped up, "Uh yeah, I'm gonna need that. There's a super high moon about to jack up Felwithe or something. I'm told this statue has the power to stop it."

Ping shook his head. "You do not know the power of this artifact, wood elf. This statue has very large coat-tails. They are the only thing that can stop Lhancelot, for he wishes to ride on them to ForumQuesting victory."

Tuluven did not quite understand what all that was about, but he wished to take part nonetheless, mostly because it sounded very exciting and ominous. He snatched the artifact with doggo swiftness and equipped it to his RANGE slot.

https://i.imgur.com/9XvLoED.png

Now he was ready. Tuluven would make his journey back to the Steamfont Mountains to dispatch of Lhancelot and his dildo machine, which would hopefully stave off the God's anger and convince them to recall the Moon of Phenyo, which would almost certainly spell immediate doom for all of Faydwer's inhabitants.

He ran his doggo legs back to Steamfont with undue haste, as Ping and Derpington screeched angrily, fading away in the distance of the setting desert landscape...

To be continued...

[Lhancelot]

Best part is the Moon of Phenyo, and the written imagery of my dildo machine fucking you unconsciously was a nice touch too.

Clearly the story veers off much of the truth, but I understand for humor purposes certain liberties are taken!

There is an irony to this story, which I am going to share with you one day, Tuluven. :)

[Rygar]

Thread is 10/10 for spot on zingers and amazing production value. Never stop, sweet prince. Cecily has a known hatred of Lhancelot, I can only hope she is included and aids in ridding the world of his dildo machine.

[skarlorn]

DENY coattails

love it

[Baler]

This is awesome! :)

[d3r14k]

A bit too close to Skarlorns shitty style of writing IMO

You do me great honor. I can imagine no higher praise.

[Spyder73]

This is so cringe worthy, I might suspect you are an alt account of Skarlorn.

Here in the WWE (RnF) we have our stars like The Undertaker (Spyder73), Rick Flair (Mick Morranis), and Randy Orton (Pokesan). But we also have our gimmick/midget wrestlers like El Torito (Skarlorn) and Dink the Clown (Lhancelot). Take compliments towards the under talent with a grain of salt as they come form a place of pure pity from the WWE Universe (P99 gen pop)

[Baler]

This is so cringe worthy, I might suspect you are an alt account of Skarlorn.

https://i.imgur.com/ilUzeVG.gif

[Jimjam]

Here in the WWE (RnF) we have our stars like The Undertaker (Spyder73), Rick Flair (Mick Morranis), and Randy Orton (Pokesan). But we also have our gimmick/midget wrestlers like El Torito (Skarlorn) and Dink the Clown (Lhancelot). Take compliments towards the under talent with a grain of salt as they come form a place of pure pity from the WWE Universe (P99 gen pop)

I just wanna say that Swish IS John Ceena.

can't see him

[SiouxNation]

midget wrestlers

What a bigot.

[SiouxNation]

I just wanna say that Swish IS John Ceena.

can't see him

Respectfully I must disagree, Swish is more of an Owen Hart...

[Jimjam]

Respectfully I must disagree, Swish is more of an Owen Hart...

That reference is over the edge.

[skarlorn]

hi gundumbwing, always a pleasure to see my biggest hater!

Hope this helps you get over obesity!!!!!!!! (or whatever the affliction)

:)

[d3r14k]

I might suspect you are an alt account of Skarlorn.

Alt account!?

https://i.imgur.com/93e5yli.gif

[d3r14k]

For Episode I (https://www.project1999.com/forums/s...d.php?t=288935)

https://i.imgur.com/lt5fWqj.png

The padding of rustled sand turned to a soft crunch as Tuluven's paws met the grassy verdure of the East Commonlands. The screeching from Ping and Derpington could no longer be heard off in the distance behind him. "Short legs give short chase," Tuluven thought to himself.

Before he set out for Steamfont to face Lhancelot, Tuluven took the opportunity to inspect the Statue of Baler once again. He clicked it with his wet snout in an attempt to access its hidden coattail powers. Much to his surprise, it lit up into a plethora of shining colors and violent pulsing. Tuluven was mesmerized.

https://i.imgur.com/kINNdUs.png

The statue spoke to him in a wizened, sage-like voice. It did not seem to make any sound, but rather spoke from within...

Tuluven, even though you are the grandest and shiniest of Druids, you are unprepared to face Lhancelot alone. Seek help from a wandering nomad in the deserts south of Freeport. He holds a powerful key to defeating Lhancelot. His name ... is Lulz~Sect. Beware, for Lulz may appear to be an asshat, spamming you and calling you a port bitch at first, but he will grow on you, I promise.

Tuluven nodded and set off for the Desert of Ro, finding Lulz~Sect almost immediately. When Tuluven saw him, he could not believe his eyes. Lulz lay in a pile of his own excrement, but jumped up immediately when he noticed he was not alone. This was the man he had set out to find?

"Do you like my suit? This is custom tailored," Lulz said proudly.

Tuluven saw nothing save some rotten, torn rags that looked to be hastily draped about Lulz's body. "Erm...yes, it's very nice."

"Come with me, I have an amazing condo on Wall Street not far from here," Lulz said with a smirk.

Tuluven followed Lulz toward what appeared to be a camp of vagabonds. Self preservation immediately came to mind when he looked at Lulz's company.

https://i.imgur.com/vQPEspR.png

When they had made it inside the camp, Lulz gave a self-affirming nod as he looked around. "This is where the magic happens. I've got a 10/10 in my lap most of the time here."

Tuluven could see no 10's here, only a hulking woman with which Lulz seemed to share some sort of affection. He assumed her name was TenInLap, akin to a figurative title rather than a literal ten.

https://i.imgur.com/LDaBgVk.png

"This is all very impressive, Mr. Sect, but if we could get down to business... The Moon of Phenyo threatens to crush Norrath if we do not act quickly."

"Yes, yes," Lulz immediately looked irritated. "I know all about Lhancelot the Chimera. The key to his defeat will be to subdue his mechanical monstrosity. Without that, you will be able to vanquish him easily in single combat while using the artifact you possess."

"Very well," Tuluven said. "How do we subdue his dildo machine? It is ... very painfu--I mean powerful."

Lulz grinned deviously. "I have a summoning spell of my own. Behold!" He then began a crude jerking with his arm that made Tuluven very uncomfortable.

https://i.imgur.com/bkIWITz.gif

The sky grew dark. Thunder crackled overhead. Much to his surprise, Tuluven saw an incredibly thicc creature materialize before his eyes. Lulz's eyes grew wide and he exclaimed, "This is Claire, my fembot! It will distract Lhance's dildo machine with great ease!"

https://i.imgur.com/VbLOFsp.png

Lulz cackled with a sort of insane glee usually reserved for lunatics who diddle themselves in public. Tuluven grew anxious to get this done quickly, and said "I will port us to Steamfont. Let us be done with this!"

The thunderclouds rolled in overhead as the first gentle drops of rare desert rainfall graced the dunes near the camp...

To be continued...

Stay tuned for Chapter IV, the exciting conclusion of "Lhancelot, The Chimera"!

[Lulz~Sect]

https://i.imgur.com/sRRA5Wd.gif

[skarlorn]

wow lulz you should be honored that's the funniest version of your avatar yet

hope this helps

[Jimjam]

Has anybody else noticed that his account hasn't been used to post recently?

He hasn't even been online for half a week. I'm a little worried for our old cat fan :-s .

[d3r14k]

Has anybody else noticed that his account hasn't been used to post recently?

He hasn't even been online for half a week. I'm a little worried for our old cat fan :-s .

You're right...it's actually been close to 3 weeks since he has posted anything. Hope he's doing OK. Probably chillin' in the Tropics, Lhance-cat style.

*cough* Or posting on a different forum account. *cough*

Excuse me.

[skarlorn]

Yeah either something horrible has happened to Lhance or Pokesan forum YT'd him by alleging he's SiouxNation.

As a forum addict myself, I doubt anyhting short of death could keep Lhance from the forums this long.

My inclination is that he's definitely Siouxnation and got upset because he was being bullied by everyone on Lhance.

nice 1 poke

[Baler]

hahaha you caught my Tie-dye avatar. nice :)
lulz + claire. That's some forum questing effort. His gif response is secretly approval.

This adventure just keeps getting better and better! :D
so what if I'm being nice because I was included.

---
Pokesan put two to the chest, one to the head on lhance. :eek:

[reznor_]

LMFAO reading all the previous chapters now

[d3r14k]

i like lhance but there can be only one

I think everyone likes Lhance. I don't think anyone wants to see him permanently vanquished. He was super nice to me when I first showed up and I even asked his permission before I started poking fun at him in this thread.

If he is going to permanently disappear, he could have FUCKING WAITED UNTIL THE END OF MY STORY. It would have been a nice bow around the whole thing.

https://i.imgur.com/XYCoLAC.png

[skarlorn]

Poke someday one of us will vanquish the other and we will both cry because our lives will be darker and yet it had to happen. And he who is defeated will be forced to face his mental illness in the real world

[d3r14k]

Hope he is dead irl.

It is never wise to seek or wish for another's misfortune. If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang.

- Charley Reese

[Baler]

Wish he was dead?

Yikes.

Lhance replying about himself. :rolleyes:

hope he's not dead, I hope that he resurrects like a phoenix from the ashes and smites me down.
Fat chance though. :p

[Lulz~Sect]

https://i.imgur.com/sib6KkI.png

[d3r14k]

Meanwhile, as our heroes made their way to Steamfont to dispatch the villain Lhancelot, the dreaded Moon of Phenyo still pressed down on the inhabitants of Norrath. The nearby gnomes cowered in Ak'Anon, filled with dread. The hobbits of Rivervale hurled up their mutton mince pies and apple tarts, sick to their stomachs with the thought of being crushed. Even the hardy barbarians of Halas drank their mead in silence, bereft of the joyful ruckus that would usually grace their drinking halls.

The Gods must deem this a dire quest indeed, to unleash the Moon of Phenyo upon the lands in such a reckless fashion; a last ditch effort on their part to eradicate Lhancelot's Dildo Machine.

https://i.imgur.com/vZu27m4.png

It was as if Norrath collectively held its breath, awaiting Tuluven to deliver them from their horrid fate...

[d3r14k]

Not sure why you're cringing Lulz, you're coming with me.

[skarlorn]

like Sauron, Lhancelot cannot truly be struck down. Do not repeat the folly of Isildur. Do not hasten his return. To destroy him, we must destroy the forums...

[d3r14k]

The post-porting haze began to clear as the rings of Steamfont slowly made their way into view. With Claire and Lulz beside him, Tuluven took a cursory glance around the area, quickly making sure that Lhancelot wasn't already lurking nearby.

"We must tread carefully, Lulz~Sect, there are foul monsters afoot here that even God Pharoah Rogean may fear," Tuluven announced slowly, so that Lulz would understand.

"Fuck the gods, and Rogean in particular. I have a 10/10 in my--"

Lulz was immediately cut off mid sentence by an overwhelming thunderclap that forced Tuluven to cover his ears. The sound was so deafening and the power so great that when Tuluven looked up, he saw only a steaming Lulz dead on the ground and the visage of Rogean and his enforcer Sirken fading away after their righteous strike.

https://i.imgur.com/npRKGbE.jpg

Alas, the gods demanded respect that Lulz could not afford, and he was no more; nuked into oblivion by the banhammer lightning blast.

Tuluven sighed loudly and looked at the mindless android Claire that stood near Lulz's lifeless body. "I suppose I'll have to do this myself, despite not knowing what you are or how you even work." Claire blew a kiss and thrust out her hips, as if that were some sort of answer. "I trust you'll at least do your part and not be as worthless as your master. You're to distract, seduce, then hump this dildo machine into oblivion on my command, understood?" Claire's only answer was a single twerk. Tuluven felt truly lost.

With Claire in tow, he marched to where he had spotted Lhancelot before, though there was no trace of him or his weapon of ass destruction. Tuluven thought back to the days of his youth, and drew upon his ability to track distant foes. He knelt to the ground and touched a leaf, smelled the air, took note of bent grass; really doing some deep, hardcore-impressive nature shit for which he was known. Almost at once he was able to discern which direction to head.

https://i.imgur.com/tGmR5WW.png

He chose to head to the weapon first, thinking that disposing of it would please the gods enough to recall the Moon of Phenyo which threatened to smash Norrath. It was not long before he spotted the weapon on the horizon. It was as terrible and menacing as he had remembered...

https://i.imgur.com/VKL7shl.gif

Tuluven beckoned to the Statue of Baler for some sort of reverent advice in the face of this terrible adversity. Perhaps a catchy phrase to demoralize his opponent or a witty retort as was customary for the statue. It made no noise, but spoke to Tuluven inside his mind's eye:

Tuluven, I will use my power to temporarily possess Claire and hold this mechanical behemoth at bay, but you must move quickly.

With a shimmering white aura that coalesced into a vibrant color, Baler's power began to concentrate, then suddenly shot a beam of light at Claire.

Much to his surprise, Claire sprung right into action. She licked her lips and ran with amazing android speed towards the weapon. It was then that Tuluven spotted Lhancelot. His familiar, raspy voice had not changed. "You incel cuck! Back for more, are you!? I had you begging for Tunare at our last meeting. I'll make shorter work of you this time, you wood elven swine! ATTACK!" The machine seemed to switch focus between Tuluven and the android Claire, who was still in a dead sprint and closing fast on the dildo machine. "ATTACK, ATTACK!" Lhancelot screamed autistically, "Or I'll use you for spare parts!" There was a hint of concern in his voice.

Claire, possessed by Baler, voraciously grabbed hold of the machine and began to work it in unspeakable ways. Tuluven could not bear to watch. Baler used such enthusiasm and vigor that Tuluven could only think to himself that there were some deep-seeded issues that Baler needed to work out after being buried in the sand for so many years. The dildo machine gave a giant heaving sound and was subsequently crushed inoperable in the steel trap that was Claire's android thighs.

Lhancelot let out a distressed cry. "My magnum opus! Defeated by some statue and a dirty vagabond elf! How could this be?"

There was a groaning in the sky, then a deep cough that shook the heavens. The Moon of Phenyo let out a puff of deep purple smoke and disappeared, almost as sudden as it had taken to the sky. Norrath was saved!

"You fool!" Lhancelot screamed. "You have ruined everything! I'll Sioux your Nation for this a thousand times over!"

Tuluven began casting Engulfing Roots on Lhancelot, in the hopes that he would hinder any attempt at escape. He was instantly walloped in the back of the head mid-cast, interrupting his spell. Stunned, the wood elf turned around to see what had struck him.

https://i.imgur.com/l79g9RA.png

"How many contraptions does this cat-chimera have?" Tuluven thought to himself. He immediately jumped into action, casting many fire and lightning spells, but could not target this dildrone. It was simply too fast. The wood elf was struck multiple times, leaving dildo sized abrasions all over his body. His hope again grew dim.

Then, out of nowhere, a hero was unveiled on the horizon.

https://i.imgur.com/AdJiOQJ.png

This human was rippling with muscle and exuded an air of confidence that was unmatched. Tuluven could only stand slack jawed and watch him approach. With a ferocious cry, Tekilya shouted "Wu-Tang!" and snapped a flying kick with amazing agility that blasted the dildrone out of the sky into a million pieces. The kick was so swift and so precise it left several fiery pixels floating around the area. He then nodded to Tuluven, as a cue to finish the job.

Tuluven brushed himself off and strode over to Lhancelot, who was cowering nearby.

"No, please," Lhancelot begged. "I will build you a giant mechanical throne in the trees, you cuck." The cat-spider chimera clicked its legs together in fear. "Anything you wish built, plea--"

https://i.imgur.com/nw97pi4.png

Tuluven brought his scimitar high above his head and slammed it down into the cat's skull, sending bloody bone fragments and brain juices all over his pristine armor. Lhancelot gave a shudder, then fell to the Steamfont grass in a heap of machinery.

The wind moaned as the rain continued to fall. Tekilya nodded his approval and walked over to Tuluven. They then exchanged the most manly handshake that had ever been seen on the face of Norrath.

https://i.imgur.com/cu9nqQ2.gif

And so goes the tale of Tuluven's quest against the villain Lhancelot...

As time passes, who knows what other tales Tuluven will weave as he journeys about the land. Only one thing is certain: We would all be getting fucked royally up the asses by a giant dildo machine if not for the bravery of this humble, yet stylishly extravagant, handsome, and endearing wood elf.

[skarlorn]

Tagged to read later you fucking nerd

[Wonkie]

angry

[EthanHawke]

i want whatever drugs this guy has

[skarlorn]

honestly it's a nice fantasy but it's just a fantasy. anyone who has studied the Histories of P99 Forumquest will know that it was the rogue agent Pokesan who defeated the the villain Lhancelot when he cast Identify on lhancelot's alt acct.

a nice story to be sure though for the children