Which Guild won the week? VOTE

[Tankdan]

Lots of proxy RNF'ing in the guild discussion forums, lets let RNF decide.

Aftermath claims

Tunare
Cazic Thule
King Tormax
Eashen of the Sky
Dozekar the Cursed
Dain Frostreaver IV
Lendiniara the Keeper
Gozzrem
Lord Feshlak
Lord Kreizenn
Lord Koi`Doken
Lady Mirenilla
Dagarn the Destroyer
Jorlleag
Klandicar
Zlandicar
Druushk
Hoshkar
Venril Sathir
Gorenaire
Multiple Fear Golems

Awakened claims

We slayed over 50% of Temple of Veeshan, including Vulak`Aerr. We plowed through 50% of Veeshan's Peak, including Phara Dar. And we came away with Lord Yelinak, The Statue of Rallos Zek, and another Ring of Dain Frostreaver IV.



After a much anticipated week of raiding, who won?

[big_ole_jpn]

http://www.project1999.com/forums/images/icons/icon13.gif no bshtrs http://www.project1999.com/forums/images/icons/icon13.gif

[Heebo]

http://www.project1999.com/forums/images/icons/icon13.gif no bshtrs http://www.project1999.com/forums/images/icons/icon13.gif

[Naxi]

Naxi won a kedge robe this week. Victory.

[Trungep99]

Awakened has more people, it doesn't matter if they really lost or not, they will have more votes

[Gimp]

Wiping with 90+ on AoW pretty much seals the "who won the week" vote.

[Biddil Arcfire]

In a week in which France won at something on the world stage.

Did we all lose?

[captain]

All the people that have gained employment and can't poopsock 24/7 anymore (or even care) have truly won

[Gimp]

In a week in which France won at something on the world stage.

Did we all lose?

Portugal goin in dry

[Freakish]

Hoshkar is much more impressive than Phara Dar these days.

[Ahldagor]

In a week in which France won at something on the world stage.

Did we all lose?

I wouldn't be surprised if France wins the Euro.

[Naxi]

Hoshkar is much more impressive than Phara Dar these days.

Rustle won the week!

[Matalus]

Doze really is the only mob that would matter anymore if I was still apart of that scene. I feel most would also agree. Those other mobs are a coin toss every week, and items will drop, but doze is the end prize with quest items. Imo who gets doze gets the win

[Hasbinbad]

Rustle won the week!
Yay! Do we get extra snacks now? Where's Martha? *shakes cane*

[georgie]

Pras Player vs Ai

[Argh]

DJ Chris

[Detoxx]

Doze really is the only mob that would matter anymore if I was still apart of that scene. I feel most would also agree. Those other mobs are a coin toss every week, and items will drop, but doze is the end prize with quest items. Imo who gets doze gets the win

[Ella`Ella]

Lol @ all the awakened drones votes.

Feel like portugal on football forums

Go france !!

Sacrebleu!

[Detoxx]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQx1sqPHTrk

[Speedi]

Awakened has more people, it doesn't matter if they really lost or not, they will have more votes

Truth

[t3kn34k]

First four or so days back went well for Awakened.
We slayed over 50% of Temple of Veeshan, including Vulak`Aerr. We plowed through 50% of Veeshan's Peak, including Phara Dar. And we came away with Lord Yelinak, The Statue of Rallos Zek, and another Ring of Dain Frostreaver IV.

This made me laugh.

50%?? Clearly your math skills need work.

-Phara Dar: Great job keeping CSG away from kunark content. Admirable.
-Lord Yelinak: Actually <Aftermath> kicked your ass on the coth race and should have had this engage as they were clearly the first raid force prepared to engage the target. Unfortunately GOBSTER had an illegal unguilded tracker FTE active at the time that he had not dropped. Rumor has it that he was an <Awakened> app. Seems very suspicious. Check the fraps and you decide: https://youtu.be/dV2dSzOhWLg
-Aaryonar: The current rules that you guys cooked up locked AM out of this juicy target because they had a live jorleag FTE.
-Vulak'Aerr: Also uncontested, though im not sure why <Aftermath> didnt at least leave a good FTE force when they left to go do zlandi.
-Statue: Rofl. the wipe to AoW was (almost) the biggest blunder you've made this week. why would you try to spin that as a positive by saying 'at least we killed statue'.
-Ring of Dain Frostreaver IV: Congrats. your zerglings have defeated a large number of NPCs in an open zone. Dont you already have a zillion of these because of the exploit you used to get 3 or more wars in one day? I even heard you gave a ring to Redstars. HAA

But you're probably right, you guys are back and #1 again. At least in your own minds, anyway. And the competition? well that doesnt matter since you're all #ABOVEIT

[Tycoon]

Snapcaster the fucking clown

[Naxi]

Doze it really matter? Oh my Hoshkar guise. Vulak critical thinking here. I am Nagafended by this thread. Let's all step back for a Cekenar for Kreizenn out loud. Kids, don't make me turn this Zlandicar around.

[Batso]

Doze it really matter? Oh my Hoshkar guise. Vulak critical thinking here. I am Nagafended by this thread. Let's all step back for a Cekenar for Kreizenn out loud. Kids, don't make me turn this Zlandicar around.

Awesome

[Lanuven]

-Lord Yelinak: Actually <Aftermath> kicked your ass on the coth race and should have had this engage as they were clearly the first raid force prepared to engage the target. Unfortunately GOBSTER had an illegal unguilded tracker FTE active at the time that he had not dropped. Rumor has it that he was an <Awakened> app. Seems very suspicious. Check the fraps and you decide: https://youtu.be/dV2dSzOhWLg


Gobster is an Azure Guard Officer




-Aaryonar: The current rules that you guys cooked up locked AM out of this juicy target because they had a live jorleag FTE.



These are the rules that Detoxx fought for, not us.





-Ring of Dain Frostreaver IV: Congrats. your zerglings have defeated a large number of NPCs in an open zone. Dont you already have a zillion of these because of the exploit you used to get 3 or more wars in one day? I even heard you gave a ring to Redstars. HAA


Since when is 40'ish people a zerg? Aftermath and CSG are the only guilds throwing numbers at this quest and still fail it 90% of the time.

#ABOVEIT

[cdawgz28]

On a real note, let's be happy for our pals on the other sides who get some merbs. Life's way to short to be bitter about sim elf pixels on a dead end server. With that congrats to everyone who got loot this week.

[cdawgz28]

PS: There's no winners and losers or good guys and bad guys.

#cleanitup

[Pokesan]

38 Awakened cucks voting but not posting

where are your balls?

[Pokesan]

like you wanna pretend you're some kind of "dominant" presence on the server

and you can't even handle being teased in RNF?

why are you broken

[Signal]

They didn't even get half of ToV which they claimed...Is the funniest part of this discussion.

[jcr4990]

Do you guys think at some point ppl will stop caring about who got pixels on a deadend server that's going to be in Velious for the rest of the server's life? Or can I safely count on checking in 15 years down the road to see some renamed TMO/IB guild bragging about their poopsocking abilities to acquire ToV pixels? Am I the only one that finds it a bit disturbing to brag about who can poopsock harder for content they've already killed 100 times?

Found some images relevant to this thread:

http://i.imgur.com/0j6Gjqt.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/rZatUiI.jpg

[Swifty]

nobody in the above mentioned guilds are winning...

[ArumTP]

Gobster is an Azure Guard Officer


Gobster FORMERLY of Azure Guard, who "coincidentally" logged in when yelinak was up. There is no legitimate reason to be there other than to track, kill, or turn in items. He was doing none of this, as he logged into a dragon that was up. Held FTE for a minute, stopping Aftemath from engaging with their raid ready force. This bought time for Awakened to CoTH enough to go for it, and instantaneous engage when Gobster logged off.

[Kodim]

In a zone where you can be factioned, you can't tell someone to not be in the zone because a dragon might spawn.

Unless you forgot, you have to go into Yelinak's lair to be ported back down. Shit happens.

[tombombadilo21]

Gobster FORMERLY of Azure Guard, who "coincidentally" logged in when yelinak was up. There is no legitimate reason to be there other than to track, kill, or turn in items. He was doing none of this, as he logged into a dragon that was up. Held FTE for a minute, stopping Aftemath from engaging with their raid ready force. This bought time for Awakened to CoTH enough to go for it, and instantaneous engage when Gobster logged off.

Cool story.

Why didn't Aftermath engage when Gobster logged off if they were so ready?

I don't get it.

[ArumTP]

In a zone where you can be factioned, you can't tell someone to not be in the zone because a dragon might spawn.

Unless you forgot, you have to go into Yelinak's lair to be ported back down. Shit happens.


He logged into where Yelinak spawns. He had logged out 30 min prior in his lair, and had been talking with Sweeni <Awakened> if he was up yet when he made his initial run up there.

There are literally ports back down by the armor guys, you have to run further and go out of your way to reach Yelinak

[ArumTP]

Cool story.

Why didn't Aftermath engage when Gobster logged off if they were so ready?

I don't get it.

Nobody in Aftermath knew what the fuck Gobster was doing or when he would GTFO and drop his FTE/agro. However if you're in communication with some people, they would know exactly when FTE/agro will be dropped.

[Tycoon]

Sounds devastating.

[Jarnauga]

Portugal goin in dry

http://i.imgur.com/xhX7rN9.jpg

[myriverse]

Only way to win is not play the game.

[manguard]

voted aftermath in hopes of further damaging awakened morale. they prob get off on the humiliation tho, nasty guys

[Shadowfist]

He logged into where Yelinak spawns. He had logged out 30 min prior in his lair, and had been talking with Sweeni <Awakened> if he was up yet when he made his initial run up there.

There are literally ports back down by the armor guys, you have to run further and go out of your way to reach Yelinak

Hey guys, Gobster here. I had been in skyshrine for over an hour waiting for someone named Altek, an enchanter, to meet up for an MQ.

About 15 minutes before this FTE bullshit, i ran out to the fountain the ONLY WAY I COULD, DERP, which was past Yelinak's lair. I had to guide this guy Altek up to the quest npcs.

Sweeni and 1 other mage was there, and i had just sent them a tell saying "LORD YELINAK" to screw with him.. Yelinak was not up, go ahead and ask Sweeni yourself.

So after meeting Altek at the fountain, we run alllll the way up the quest NPC's, do our deed, and i run BACK down to get out of skyshrine via Cobalt Scar. I am bount in TOV and didn't think gating was the greatest of options since Yelinak wasn't up.

Well.. When i turned the corner to go into Yelinak's room, he was up. That's it. Nice try at a conspiracy, but there is none. I was just as happy with Awakened's 17 day suspension as the rest of the server.

Now kindly fuck off.

[Shadowfist]

Also, i didn't know about the ports by the quest guys. My fault for not spending a ton of tiem there lining my pockets.

Would you kindly post the /who logs you have while you were there in Skyshrine setting up? Unless you edit them like the scumbag piece of shit we all know you to be, you'll see me online.

[Shift]

Do you guys think at some point ppl will stop caring about who got pixels on a deadend server that's going to be in Velious for the rest of the server's life? Or can I safely count on checking in 15 years down the road to see some renamed TMO/IB guild bragging about their poopsocking abilities to acquire ToV pixels? Am I the only one that finds it a bit disturbing to brag about who can poopsock harder for content they've already killed 100 times?

Found some images relevant to this thread:

http://i.imgur.com/0j6Gjqt.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/rZatUiI.jpg

Lol I love it!

that is one of my favorite episodes of south park.

[ArumTP]

Hey guys, Gobster here. I had been in skyshrine for over an hour waiting for someone named Altek, an enchanter, to meet up for an MQ.

About 15 minutes before this FTE bullshit, i ran out to the fountain the ONLY WAY I COULD, DERP, which was past Yelinak's lair. I had to guide this guy Altek up to the quest npcs.

Sweeni and 1 other mage was there, and i had just sent them a tell saying "LORD YELINAK" to screw with him.. Yelinak was not up, go ahead and ask Sweeni yourself.

So after meeting Altek at the fountain, we run alllll the way up the quest NPC's, do our deed, and i run BACK down to get out of skyshrine via Cobalt Scar. I am bount in TOV and didn't think gating was the greatest of options since Yelinak wasn't up.

Well.. When i turned the corner to go into Yelinak's room, he was up. That's it. Nice try at a conspiracy, but there is none. I was just as happy with Awakened's 17 day suspension as the rest of the server.

Now kindly fuck off.

Then why would you detag for an armor turn in? Why would you run all the way to yelinak for click down to the bottom when there is one right near the armor npcs?

[Shadowfist]

I didn't de-tag for a turn in. I left AG because i had applied to Rustle. I changed my mind and returned after about a week out. I am no longer an officer, either. Burnout is real.

I didn't know about click portals at the quest NPC's or i would surely not waste my time running down to Yelinak's room.

[Shift]

Well it's missing apart in the poll - None of the above is my vote.

[Legday]

60 Awakened and 39 Aftermath have visited this thread. Idk how I know that but for some reason I feel strongly those are the exact figures.

[botrainer]

Why isn't there a no guild wins option?

A three day poopsock fest when you have up to 12 members of each guild dry humping the first door in ToV for a foot race and then calling that "High-end Raiding"...I don't believe anyone actually wins. Most importantly to note its on a free server hosted by someone who is kind enough to allow us to chew up his bandwidth and in return the true colors of some of these guild members who feel if you don't dry hump a door for up to 30 hours a week bleed through by calling a semi repop "welfare pixies" (after being suspended by their own stupidity and having been suspended by those same rules they helped create.) to that same server administrator who hosts the server for free.

I don't believe any of us here truly "wins" on any given week.

[botrainer]

Why isn't there a no guild wins option?

A three day poopsock fest when you have up to 12 members of each guild dry humping the first door in ToV for a foot race and then calling that "High-end Raiding"...I don't believe anyone actually wins. Most importantly to note its on a free server hosted by someone who is kind enough to allow us to chew up his bandwidth and in return the true colors of some of those guild members who feel if you don't dry hump a door for up to 30 hours a week bleed through by calling a semi repop "welfare pixies" (after being suspended by their own stupidity and having been suspended by those same rules they helped create.) to that same server administrator who hosts the server for free or on donations (to most of us).

I don't believe any of us here truly "wins" on any given week.

[Shinko]

Guild <Shinko> won since we never tracked nothing

[Eponymous Anonymous]

I didn't de-tag for a turn in. I left AG because i had applied to Rustle.

HMM... so he was actually a Rustle app, recent raiding cohorts of Aftermath. The plot thickens! Isn't that funny, Arum?

[Naxi]

HMM... so he was actually a Rustle app, recent raiding cohorts of Aftermath. The plot thickens! Isn't that funny, Arum?

To be fair, Rustle is raiding cohorts with almost every raiding guild on the server except Awakened. So, that isn't saying much.

[Fragged]

Cool story.

Why didn't Aftermath engage when Gobster logged off if they were so ready?

I don't get it.

Aftermath had to camp their agro, otherwise they would have just prolonged the illegal FTE, and not getting a new FTE them selves.

[Gimp]

To be fair, Rustle is raiding cohorts with almost every raiding guild on the server except Awakened. So, that isn't saying much.

This

[jcr4990]

Why isn't there a no guild wins option?

A three day poopsock fest when you have up to 12 members of each guild dry humping the first door in ToV for a foot race and then calling that "High-end Raiding"...I don't believe anyone actually wins. Most importantly to note its on a free server hosted by someone who is kind enough to allow us to chew up his bandwidth and in return the true colors of some of these guild members who feel if you don't dry hump a door for up to 30 hours a week bleed through by calling a semi repop "welfare pixies" (after being suspended by their own stupidity and having been suspended by those same rules they helped create.) to that same server administrator who hosts the server for free.

I don't believe any of us here truly "wins" on any given week.

Botrainer is a dbag but he's right here. I don't know how anyone could consider what u guys do "winning"

[TMBLOW]

Arum just got fucking owned rofl

also while we are destroying people like Gobster's character, lets take a look at the piece of work that calls himself Snapcaster.

Why does he hate Awakened so much?

[Wed Apr 06 00:53:19 2016] Xerra tells the guild, 'Grats Snapcaster Solist's Earring of Insight 2420 DKP (for logs)'
[Thu Apr 28 20:12:01 2016] Gerhart tells the guild, 'GRATS SNAPCASTER Ring of Destruction 2097 dkp ALL IN - main'

[Thu Apr 28 20:12:23 2016] Rewl tells the guild, 'Bye Snap'
[Thu Apr 28 20:12:50 2016] Snapcaster tells the guild, 'Thanks guise!! :) AWESOME'

Awakened allows this guy to convert his worthless Rampage loot council DKP into actual spending DKP with the merge. He earned it right. The guy proceeds to spend all of it on 2 fantastic items he will never replace, then proceeds to leave the guild and talk non-stop shit like Awakened booted him, docked him DKP or kicked his dog.

Awakened did none of that, but Snapcaster acts like he has a bone to pick when all the guild did was give him the opportunity for some BiS loot and friendships.

Snapcaster- the definition of a Class Act. You sir are a hero.

[Gimp]

You're a fucking tard.

He (like many others) talks shit because of that bullshit IP lookup/500 dkp dickpunch that Dannyl took, which basically confirmed your officers are the biggest collective of pussies assembled on this server.

[Pokesan]

Arum just got fucking owned rofl

also while we are destroying people like Gobster's character, lets take a look at the piece of work that calls himself Snapcaster.

Why does he hate Awakened so much?

[Wed Apr 06 00:53:19 2016] Xerra tells the guild, 'Grats Snapcaster Solist's Earring of Insight 2420 DKP (for logs)'
[Thu Apr 28 20:12:01 2016] Gerhart tells the guild, 'GRATS SNAPCASTER Ring of Destruction 2097 dkp ALL IN - main'

[Thu Apr 28 20:12:23 2016] Rewl tells the guild, 'Bye Snap'
[Thu Apr 28 20:12:50 2016] Snapcaster tells the guild, 'Thanks guise!! :) AWESOME'

Awakened allows this guy to convert his worthless Rampage loot council DKP into actual spending DKP with the merge. He earned it right. The guy proceeds to spend all of it on 2 fantastic items he will never replace, then proceeds to leave the guild and talk non-stop shit like Awakened booted him, docked him DKP or kicked his dog.

Awakened did none of that, but Snapcaster acts like he has a bone to pick when all the guild did was give him the opportunity for some BiS loot and friendships.

Snapcaster- the definition of a Class Act. You sir are a hero.


this is awesome snapcaster is awesome

[Cecily]

Snapcaster- the definition of a Class Act. You sir are a hero.

I agree wholeheartedly with this poster.

[big_ole_jpn]

Really disturbing thread. Praying for you all.

[Skew]

You're a fucking tard.

He (like many others) talks shit because of that bullshit IP lookup/500 dkp dickpunch that Dannyl took, which basically confirmed your officers are the biggest collective of pussies assembled on this server.

LOL yup.

Awakened allows this guy to convert his worthless Rampage loot council DKP into actual spending DKP with the merge.

Worthless Rampage LC DKP? Ramapge were the dominate guild , even if im part of AM i can say that. Taken were a bunch of waterboys and bad ones at that. Kept falling over their own fucking shoelaces. Without the Rampage nerds who werent done after trolling the server , Taken would be where they were a year ago. Fucking up on Sev and Telk.

[Gimp]

Not to mention, most Rampage people's dkp converted over into like 5-600 dkp or something stupid, while these Taken people had thousands upon thousands of dkp banked from all the hate/fear and General raids they had been doing in Kunark while we were murdering Trak and VP.

"useless rampage dkp" lulllz. You Taken morons never cease to amaze.

[t3kn34k]

http://i.imgur.com/iVb8yr2.jpg

[Detoxx]

Only in Awakened can you be scum for spending the DKP you earned. I pity you guys, come on over to where you're free to do as you like with your DKP and don't have to worry about hypocritical DKP docks for RnF!

[Naxi]

Arum just got fucking owned rofl

also while we are destroying people like Gobster's character, lets take a look at the piece of work that calls himself Snapcaster.

Why does he hate Awakened so much?

[Wed Apr 06 00:53:19 2016] Xerra tells the guild, 'Grats Snapcaster Solist's Earring of Insight 2420 DKP (for logs)'
[Thu Apr 28 20:12:01 2016] Gerhart tells the guild, 'GRATS SNAPCASTER Ring of Destruction 2097 dkp ALL IN - main'

[Thu Apr 28 20:12:23 2016] Rewl tells the guild, 'Bye Snap'
[Thu Apr 28 20:12:50 2016] Snapcaster tells the guild, 'Thanks guise!! :) AWESOME'

Awakened allows this guy to convert his worthless Rampage loot council DKP into actual spending DKP with the merge. He earned it right. The guy proceeds to spend all of it on 2 fantastic items he will never replace, then proceeds to leave the guild and talk non-stop shit like Awakened booted him, docked him DKP or kicked his dog.

Awakened did none of that, but Snapcaster acts like he has a bone to pick when all the guild did was give him the opportunity for some BiS loot and friendships.

Snapcaster- the definition of a Class Act. You sir are a hero.

TMOBlOW is hilarious. Grats, you just collectively shit on all supposed "friends" who are ex-Rampagers in your guild because of your resentment to the DKP they carried over to Awakened (which Taken ratified). According to you, none of them earned their DKP in the merger. Enjoy collecting more pixels off ex-Rampage FTErs, strategies, and more.

Its pretty easy for people to laugh at Awakened and their RNF policies. Punishment is selective and bias. Why isn't TMBLOW's IP investigated and docked 5 quadrillion DKP? Big talk from an anonymous poster. I commend Snapcaster's ability to rustle you. He lives up to our guild name. Snapcaster, please poke me to collect your 5 DKP bounty for successful rustle'n.

[Redi]

Does awakened know what "50%" means?

[Dottedup]

Arum just got fucking owned rofl



Snapcaster- You sir are a hero.

[jcr4990]

Voted Aftermath cause Awakened believes in stifling their members freedom of speech with asinine RNF bans

Way to go you made Detoxx look reasonable

[fiveeauxfour]

Ignore the poll. <Rustle> wins.

I won't pretend to know what goes on, but from an outsider's perspective this is exactly how it looks.

QFT

[Legday]

Does awakened know what "50%" means?

No. The passive observer can safely apply the 20% rule to anything they see from Awakened. If the week is 50/50 they think they won 70/30. When Aftermath crushes Awakened 70/30ish (like this week) Awakened claims 50/50. Subtract 20% from whatever they say and you get the true picture. Shit, a couple months ago I saw an Awakened poster try to say they killed 90% of the mobs in a cycle.

[TMBLOW]

Only in Awakened can you be scum for spending the DKP you earned. I pity you guys, come on over to where you're free to do as you like with your DKP and don't have to worry about hypocritical DKP docks for RnF!

Reading comprehension is so difficult these days. I don't give a shit about him spending his DKP and leaving, that's what it's there for. I am poking fun at the fact that his Rampage LC # was essentially worthless had he not joined this community of people that he so vehemently despises now. Makes his hatred for those same people all very trite and fake because it's the cool thing to do now.

Carry on.

[Pokesan]

Reading comprehension is so difficult these days. I don't give a shit about him spending his DKP and leaving, that's what it's there for. I am poking fun at the fact that his Rampage LC # was essentially worthless had he not joined this community of people that he so vehemently despises now. Makes his hatred for those same people all very trite and fake because it's the cool thing to do now.

Carry on.

Remind me - which side is mad about video game items?

[Lojik]

Remind me - which side is mad about video game items?

<Blue Loot Matters>

[Detoxx]

Reading comprehension is so difficult these days. I don't give a shit about him spending his DKP and leaving, that's what it's there for. I am poking fun at the fact that his Rampage LC # was essentially worthless had he not joined this community of people that he so vehemently despises now. Makes his hatred for those same people all very trite and fake because it's the cool thing to do now.

Carry on.

#AboveIt

[smitho1984]

So glad my # really took off!

[Cecily]

So glad my # really took off!

Scifer, you seemed like a nice guy while we were apps together so just.. stay out of this forum. It will end badly for you. Just take a look at Happyzheal's DKP adjustments to see what I mean.

[syztem]

whoever got vulak won

[big_ole_jpn]

whoever got vulak won

does getting a vulak-shaped pinata on a server with gimped easy combat mechanics and official RMT count?

[Spyder73]

Glad my boys in Aftermath and waxing that Awakened a$$

[manguard]

does getting a vulak-shaped pinata on a server with gimped easy combat mechanics and official RMT count?

careful with your salt intake, it can lead to high blood pressure

[Detoxx]

Tunare, King Tormax, Eashen, Dozekar, Cazic Thule and Dain VS Ikatiar, Telkorenar, Sevalak and Vulak.

Hmmmm

[Freakish]

Isn't tunare rotated? That's like bragging about a ring war.

[tombombadilo21]

Isn't tunare rotated? That's like bragging about a ring war.

CT and KT were also killed before Awakened's suspension ended!

I'm very impressed by your pixel list, though!

[Eponymous Anonymous]

Tunare, King Tormax, Eashen, Dozekar, Cazic Thule and Dain VS Ikatiar, Telkorenar, Sevalak and Vulak.

Hmmmm

Which Vulak are you claiming?

[Eponymous Anonymous]

Oh nevermind... read VS as Venril Sathir

nothing to see here

[colicab]

A/A should just merge already and form a mega DKP guild to farm Velious for the next 6 years.

[Facts]

I'm only pointing this out because I think there's some confusion.

We slayed over 50% of Temple of Veeshan, including Vulak`Aerr.

9 Raid Mobs as seen here:
Telkorenar
Ikatiar the Venom
Aaryonar
Lady Nevederia
Sevalak
Zlexak
Cekenar
Vulak'Aerr
Lord Vyemm

(From Illia's Bestiary, 17 Raid Mobs currently in ToV on p99)
http://i.imgur.com/h5Q0CGY.jpg

9/17 = 52.94% or 'over half' (half being 50%) in layman's terms.

Does awakened know what "50%" means?
Yes

No. The passive observer can safely apply the 20% rule to anything they see from Awakened. If the week is 50/50 they think they won 70/30. When Aftermath crushes Awakened 70/30ish (like this week) Awakened claims 50/50. Subtract 20% from whatever they say and you get the true picture. Shit, a couple months ago I saw an Awakened poster try to say they killed 90% of the mobs in a cycle.
What?

In conclusion, boths guilds are filled with good people/players and the balance goes back and forth as far as dick-waving, kill lists go. Others have mentioned it, but nobody wins this cycle, nobody wins ANY cycle. It's all so petty, we're all losers for playing.

I leave you with this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urcqQC02YbY

[Hasbinbad]

A/A should just merge already and form a mega DKP guild to farm Velious for the next 6 years.
don't people miss u in WoW or whatever blizzard game u play?

[colicab]

don't people miss u in WoW or whatever blizzard game u play?

<3 ya HBB. Sorry I missed Saturday Brunch and Sunday field trips....

[Tycoon]

Tunare, King Tormax, Eashen, Dozekar, Cazic Thule and Dain VS Ikatiar, Telkorenar, Sevalak and Vulak.

Hmmmm

Hmmmmm

[jcr4990]

A/A should just merge already and form a mega DKP guild to farm Velious for the next infinite years.

ftfy

[Aviann]

A/A should just merge already and form a mega DKP guild to farm Velious for the next 6 years.

No way. lol

[Cecily]

Well as we all know, true domination means killing imaginary dragons as quickly as possible. This applies to real life as much as Everquest.

[Halfelfbard]

Well as we all know, true domination means killing imaginary dragons as quickly as possible. This applies to real life as much as Everquest.

Trak's up bitches, hold my beer and turn the TV up...the packers are playing.

[Hasbinbad]

<3 ya HBB. Sorry I missed Saturday Brunch and Sunday field trips....
It's not the same without you calling the bingo balls.

[Eldon]

Shrek 2 ACT 1 Scene 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (os) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. [enters gallantly onstage] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. [looks at the audience] And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... [pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps] WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING [relieved] Thank heavens. Where is she? WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 Scene 2 THE SWAMP SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY [offstage] One is the loneliest number that you ever do...[enters] Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. [looks around for the fish] SHREK Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! 3 DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? 4 FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA [exasperated sigh] So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. SCENE 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage GINGY [walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’] Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. E/E 5 DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK [mimics] Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...[softly] away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK [groans] Are we there yet? FIONA [chuckles] Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit 6 SCENE 4 FAR FAR AWAY (CASTLE ENTRANCE) MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. [exits] SHREK [chuckles] So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother 7 SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously] DONKEY enters shaking off a GUARD DONKEY [off-stage] What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. [enters] What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY [laughing] What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. SHREK and KING cough involuntarily 8 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying 9 SCENE 5 STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy man-boy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? 10 SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. [exits] DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" SCENE 6 KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. 11 KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. QUEEN This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG [out on the balcony] Hello, Harold. KING gasps QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FG We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed.[yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? [Bumps up against two armed guards] Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? 12 CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this.He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. [GUARD reaches into his pocket] You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING [gasps] What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks.[hangs up] We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING [sighs deeply] Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 13 ACT 2 SCENE 1 AT A PUB IN THE WOODS KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING [clears throat] Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? [holds up a heavy satchel of coins] VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 14 SCENE 2 CASTLE SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (offstage) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. Fade out 15 SCENE 3 IN THE FOREST SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. 16 PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! [coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles] Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? 17 SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to [Puss steps on his foot] Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ [yawns] FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you [notices SHREK] What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. [exits] SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS 18 PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? [looks in the cart] Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. SCENE 4 THE ROYAL CASTLE QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? 19 QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. SCENE 5 FOREST SHREK [reading the potion] "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes] DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 20 SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then...he farts DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. [Thunder cracks and he passes out] DONKEY Shrek! Black out. Fade in CASTLE INTERIOR. FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses KING Fiona! 21 ACT 3 SCENE 1 IN THE BARN - MORNING SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! [sees his reflection in the pale] Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! [moves in closer] I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? SHREK looks around confused SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... 22 PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY [Bashful] Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps SCENE 2 THE CASTLE GATES GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? 23 DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA [looking at PUSS] Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG [blocks his exit with her wand] Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters CHARMING Fiona? FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING [showing off outfit] Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Hugs FIONA] SHREK Fiona! Fiona! 24 FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon.[sighs deeply] Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves SCENE 3 THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that good-looking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. 25 SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG and CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! [pulls out a magical potion from her bag] Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? 26 KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit SCENE 4 IN THE CASTLE The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. [reached for one of the tea cups] KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA [drinking from the other cup] Thanks. 27 SCENE 5 THE DUNGEON DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing ladies' underwear!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO I most certainly am not! [his nose grows] DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY [looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s lederhosen] It's a thong! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. [picks the lock with PINOCHIO’s nose] SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! 28 DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! [nose shrinks back down] GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! SCENE 6 THE ROYAL BALL ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG [Sotto Voce] Play something! Now! [turns to the AUDIENCE] Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? 29 CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA 30 SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. CHARMING [snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG] Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad![sobbing] PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. 31 QUEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, [SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him] with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobs] Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. Fade out. Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE

[backsteppin123]

The internet brings out the worst in all of you.

[Mendo]

DIDN"T READ, ASSWIPE


FUCK YOU for a wall of test

You quoted his wall of text.

[Redi]

Shrek 2 ACT 1 Scene 1 There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit. PRINCE CHARMING (os) Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss... of the handsome Prince Charming. [enters gallantly onstage] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome... in all the land. [looks at the audience] And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her... [pulls back the curtain to reveal WOLF in the bed. Gasps] WOLF What? CHARMING Princess... Fiona? WOLF No! CHARMING [relieved] Thank heavens. Where is she? WOLF She's on her honeymoon. CHARMING Honeymoon? With whom? 2 Scene 2 THE SWAMP SHREK It's so good to be home! Just you and me and... DONKEY [offstage] One is the loneliest number that you ever do...[enters] Two can be as bad as one... SHREK Donkey? DONKEY Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed? SHREK Donkey, what are you doing here? DONKEY Taking care of your love nest for you. SHREK Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants? DONKEY Yeah, and feeding the fish! SHREK I don't have any fish. DONKEY You did. [looks around for the fish] SHREK Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. DONKEY Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? FIONA Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? DONKEY Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. FIONA You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. SHREK But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. DONKEY Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. SHREK Donkey! 3 DONKEY Yes, roomie? SHREK You're bothering me. DONKEY Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess... Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. SHREK He'll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh.I think I remember. Donkey! DONKEY I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare. MESSENGER [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing... upon you and your...uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad." FIONA Mom and Dad? SHREK Prince Charming? DONKEY Royal ball? Can I come? SHREK We're not going. FIONA & DONKEY What? SHREK I mean, don't you think they might be a bit...shocked to see you like this? FIONA Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. SHREK Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. FIONA Stop it. They're not like that. SHREK How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? FIONA Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. SHREK To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? 4 FIONA No! They just want to give you their blessing. SHREK Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? FIONA If you want to be a part of this family, yes! SHREK Who says I want to be part of this family? FIONA You did! When you married me! SHREK Well, there's some fine print for you! FIONA [exasperated sigh] So that's it. You won't come? SHREK Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! ALL exit. SCENE 3 SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO. SHREK is carrying luggage GINGY [walking by and picking up the ‘warning, Ogres sign’] Don't worry! We'll take care of everything. PINOCHIO Hey, wait for me. DONKEY Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears) DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA Not yet. E/E 5 DONKEY OK, are we there yet? SHREK No. DONKEY Are we there yet? FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Really? SHREK No! DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK & FIONA No! E/E DONKEY Are we there yet? SHREK [mimics] Are we there yet? DONKEY That's not funny. That's really immature. SHREK That's not funny. That's really immature. DONKEY This is why nobody likes ogres. SHREK This is why nobody likes ogres. DONKEY Your loss! SHREK Your loss! DONKEY I'm gonna just stop talking. SHREK Finally! DONKEY This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no in-flight movie or nothing! SHREK The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far...[softly] away! DONKEY All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. SHREK [groans] Are we there yet? FIONA [chuckles] Yes! DONKEY Oh, finally! ALL exit 6 SCENE 4 FAR FAR AWAY (CASTLE ENTRANCE) MESSENGER Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left. KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right. FIONA Well, this is it. KING This is it. MESSENGER This is it. [exits] SHREK [chuckles] So...you still think this was a good idea? FIONA Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. KING Who on earth are they? QUEEN I think that's our little girl. KING That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? QUEEN Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look... SHREK Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. FIONA They're my parents. SHREK Hello? They locked you in a tower. FIONA That was for my own... KING Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. QUEEN Harold, we have to be... SHREK Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. FIONA Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be... KING A disaster! There is no way... FIONA You can do this. Both parties begin moving toward eachother 7 SHREK I really... KING Really... QUEEN don't... SHREK want... FIONA to... KING be... SHREK Here! FIONA Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband... Shrek. SHREK Well, um...It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously] DONKEY enters shaking off a GUARD DONKEY [off-stage] What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. [enters] What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place. KING No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go! FIONA No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. DONKEY That's me: the noble steed. SHREK Oh, boy. QUEEN So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. FIONA Well...Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? SHREK Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and... DONKEY [laughing] What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp. KING An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. QUEEN I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. SHREK and KING cough involuntarily 8 SHREK It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? KING Indeed. QUEEN Harold! SHREK What's that supposed to mean? FIONA Dad. It's great, OK? KING For his type, yes. SHREK My type? KING I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be... SHREK Ogres, yes! QUEEN Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? KING Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! FIONA Dad! SHREK No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! FIONA Shrek, please! KING I only did that because I love her. SHREK Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle. KING You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! QUEEN Harold! FIONA Shrek! SHREK Fiona! KING Fiona! FIONA Mom! QUEEN Harold... DONKEY Donkey! FIONA exits crying 9 SCENE 5 STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG) Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily... Both gasp FG Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. FIONA Who are you? FG Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. FIONA I have a fairy godmother? FG Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy man-boy chauffeur named Kyle? KYLE enters FIONA Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but... SHREK enters SHREK Fiona? Fiona. FIONA Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. FG Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? FIONA Shrek is the one who rescued me. FG But that can't be right. SHREK Oh, great, more relatives! FIONA She's just trying to help. SHREK Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. FIONA What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? 10 SHREK Shortly after arriving. FIONA Look, I'm sorry... FG No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me... happiness...is just a teardrop away. SHREK Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy... FG So I see. Let's go, Kyle. FIONA Very nice, Shrek. SHREK What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. FIONA You could've at least tried to get along with my father. SHREK I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. FIONA Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? SHREK Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? FIONA You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a... SHREK Go on! Say it! FIONA Like an ogre! SHREK Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. FIONA I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. [exits] DONKEY That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre!" SCENE 6 KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER KING I knew this would happen. QUEEN You should. You started it. 11 KING I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. QUEEN I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. QUEEN This is Fiona's choice. KING But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... thing? QUEEN Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and... KING they were in bloom... QUEEN Our first kiss. KING It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! QUEEN Oh, stop being such a drama king. KING Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! FG [out on the balcony] Hello, Harold. KING gasps QUEEN What happened? KING Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. FG We need to talk. KING Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed.[yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about... we make this a quick visit. What? [Bumps up against two armed guards] Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new? FG You remember my son, Prince Charming? CHARMING enters KING Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? 12 CHARMING Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower... FG Mommy can handle this.He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. KING It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. FG Harold. [GUARD reaches into his pocket] You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do. KING [gasps] What is that? What have you got there? GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG FG My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings... CHARMING I'll have the Medieval Meal. FG One Medieval Meal and, Harold... Curly fries? KING No, thank you. FG Sourdough soft taco, then? KING No, really, I'm fine. FG Nothing else thanks.[hangs up] We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. KING [sighs deeply] Indeed not. FG So, Fiona and Charming will be together. KING Yes. FG Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom. KING What am I supposed to do about it? FG Use your imagination. 13 ACT 2 SCENE 1 AT A PUB IN THE WOODS KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass with her back to the audience. KING [clears throat] Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself KING Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. UGLY STEPSISTER Who's the guy? KING Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's an ogre. UGLY STEPSISTER Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed. KING Where could I find him? UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room KING Hello? MYSTERIOUS VOICE Who dares speak to me? KING Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? VOICE You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. KING Would... this be enough? [holds up a heavy satchel of coins] VOICE You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. 14 SCENE 2 CASTLE SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary. FIONA (offstage) Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. A knock on door KING Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. SHREK No, no. I was just reading a, uh... a scary book. KING I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier. SHREK Okay... KING I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over... SHREK Look, Your Majesty, I just... KING Please. Call me Dad. SHREK Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. KING Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old oak? SHREK Sure. Fade out 15 SCENE 3 IN THE FOREST SHREK Face it, Donkey! We're lost. DONKEY We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! SHREK We passed that three times already! DONKEY You were the one who said not to stop for directions. SHREK Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! DONKEY Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. SHREK I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? DONKEY Hey, don't worry about it. SHREK I just really need to make things work with this guy. DONKEY Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. SHREK hears purring SHREK Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? DONKEY What? I ain't purring. SHREK Sure. What's next? A hug? DONKEY Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a... PUSS IN BOOTS enters PUSS Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! SHREK Look! A little cat. DONKEY Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! SHREK It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. 16 PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand PUSS Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...Puss... in Boots! SHREK I'll kill that cat! PUSS Ah-ha-ha! [coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles] Hairball. DONKEY Oh! That is nasty! SHREK What should we do with him? DONKEY Take the sword and neuter him. PUSS Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers... SHREK Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? PUSS The rich King? Sí. SHREK Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. DONKEY Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. SHREK Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. PUSS That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. DONKEY Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. SHREK Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! DONKEY Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway? 17 SHREK No, Donkey! I need you to cry! DONKEY Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to [Puss steps on his foot] Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of... KYLE enters with a cart KYLE Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ [yawns] FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very quickly FG Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you [notices SHREK] What in Grimm's name are you doing here? SHREK Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. FG Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. [exits] SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS 18 PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? [looks in the cart] Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. SCENE 4 THE ROYAL CASTLE QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? 19 QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. SCENE 5 FOREST SHREK [reading the potion] "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes] DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 20 SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then...he farts DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. [Thunder cracks and he passes out] DONKEY Shrek! Black out. Fade in CASTLE INTERIOR. FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses KING Fiona! 21 ACT 3 SCENE 1 IN THE BARN - MORNING SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty! SHREK Oh... My head... SISTER Here, I fetched a pail of water. SHREK Thanks. Uhh! [sees his reflection in the pale] Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm... SISTER Gorgeous! [moves in closer] I'm Jill. What's your name? SHREK Um... Shrek. SISTER Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? SHREK looks around confused SISTER You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders. SHREK Have you seen my donkey? DONKEY enters and begins studying SHREK, followed by PUSS DONKEY Wow! That's some quality potion, Shrek! What's in that stuff? PUSS "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders." SHREK What? PUSS Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight." SHREK Midnight? DONKEY Why is it always midnight? SISTER Pick me! I'll be your true love! SHREK Look, lady, I already have a true love. SISTER Oh... 22 PUSS Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. DONKEY And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty... SHREK (simultaneously) Easy. DONKEY ...cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. SHREK And you're still the same annoying donkey. DONKEY [Bashful] Yeah. SHREK Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. DONKEY First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. SISTER gasps SCENE 2 THE CASTLE GATES GUARD Halt! SHREK Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. FIONA wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She screams SHREK Fiona! FIONA Shrek? SHREK runs into FIONA’s room as FIONA runs down to the castle gates. FG enters the room just before SHREK, she is cloaked. SHREK Fiona? FG Hello, handsome. FIONA Shrek! DONKEY Princess! FIONA Donkey? 23 DONKEY Wow! That potion worked on you, too? FIONA What potion? DONKEY Shrek took some magic potion. And well...Now, he’s sexy! FIONA [looking at PUSS] Shrek? PUSS For you, baby... I could be. DONKEY Yeah, you wish. FIONA Donkey, where is Shrek? DONKEY He went inside looking for you. DONKEY and PUSS exit. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Fiona! Fiona! FG [blocks his exit with her wand] Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? CHARMING enters CHARMING Fiona? FIONA Shrek? CHARMING Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? SHREK The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. KING and QUEEN enter QUEEN Fiona? KING Charming? CHARMING [showing off outfit] Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve. QUEEN Um... Who are you? KING Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Hugs FIONA] SHREK Fiona! Fiona! 24 FG Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon.[sighs deeply] Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? SHREK I just wanted her to be happy. FG And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. SHREK But look at me. Look what I've done for her. FG It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. SHREK But...I love her. FG If you really love her... you'll let her go. SHREK leaves SCENE 3 THE UGLY STEPSISTER’S TAVERN SISTER Here you go, boys. PUSS Just leave the bottle, Doris. SISTER Hey. Why the long face? SHREK It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. PUSS I hate Mondays. DONKEY I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. SHREK What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. DONKEY Come on. Is he really that good-looking? SISTER Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. PUSS Oh. He sounds dreamy. 25 SHREK You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. DONKEY Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. SHREK Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern. KING Excuse me, is she here? GUARD She's, uh... in the back. KING Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. FG You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. KING Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming. CHARMING FYI, not my fault. FG No, of course it's not, dear. CHARMING I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? KING No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? FG and CHARMING What? KING You can't force someone to fall in love! FG I beg to differ. I do it all the time! [pulls out a magical potion from her bag] Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. KING Umm... no. FG What did you say? KING I can't. I won't do it. FG Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? 26 KING No. FG Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. CHARMING Oh. Thank you, Mother. DONKEY Mother? FG The ogre! Stop them! Stop them! The guards grab SHREK, DONKEY and PUSS and all exit SCENE 4 IN THE CASTLE The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before FIONA enters. KING Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? FIONA I'm not going. KING The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. FIONA There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. KING Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. FIONA Change? He's completely lost his mind! KING Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. FIONA But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. [reached for one of the tea cups] KING Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. FIONA [drinking from the other cup] Thanks. 27 SCENE 5 THE DUNGEON DONKEY I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! SHREK You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. PUSS I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. PINOCHIO Shrek? Donkey? PUSS Too late. SHREK Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! GINGY Quick! Tell a lie! PINOCHIO What should I say? SHREK Anything, but quick! GINGY Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing ladies' underwear!" PINOCHIO I am wearing ladies' underwear. SHREK Are you? PINOCHIO I most certainly am not! [his nose grows] DONKEY It looks like you most certainly am are! PINOCHIO I am not! PUSS What kind? GINGY [looking in the back of PINOCHIO’s lederhosen] It's a thong! PINOCHIO Oww! They're briefs! GINGY Are not. PINOCHIO Are too! GINGY Here we go. Hang tight. [picks the lock with PINOCHIO’s nose] SHREK Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss! 28 DONKEY I thought you was going to let her go. SHREK I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. DONKEY Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! PINOCHIO It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! [nose shrinks back down] GINGY Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. SHREK Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle! SCENE 6 THE ROYAL BALL ROYAL MESSENGER Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. CHARMING begins waving and encouraging the audience FIONA Shrek, what are you doing? CHARMING I'm just playing the part, Fiona. FIONA Is that glitter on your lips? CHARMING Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste? FIONA Ugh! What is with you? CHARMING But, Muffin Cake... FIONA gets fed up and turns to leave, CHARMING looks at FG for help. FG [Sotto Voce] Play something! Now! [turns to the AUDIENCE] Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to... Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. CHARMING Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance? AUDIENCE Dance! Dance! FIONA Since when do you dance? 29 CHARMING Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. OUTSIDE THE BALL All right, fellas! Let's crash this party! GUARD Halt right there! GINGY Make me! GUARD grabs GINGY by the collar GINGY Not the gumdrop button! DONKEY and PUSS grab the GUARD DONKEY Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! SHREK exits PUSS Today, I repay my debt. GUARD yells and is chased offstage by PUSS. DONKEY, PINOCHIO and GINGY FOLLOW SHREK Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. FIONA Shrek? FG You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. SHREK Pinocchio! Get the wand! PINOCHIO runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘PINOCHIO’ nose is gone. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy! The WOLF barges in and blows the wand out of FG’s hand, GINGY picks it up and accidentally zaps PINOCHIO, his wooden nose appears again. PINOCHIO I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh. FG That's mine! PUSS and DONKEY enter DONKEY Pray for mercy, from Puss... PUSS and Donkey! FG She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! CHARMING kisses FIONA 30 SHREK No! CHARMING and FIONA look at eachother longingly, SHREK is heartbroken. FIONA (headbutting CHARMING) Hya! ALL gasp SHREK Fiona. FIONA Shrek. SHREK and FIONA embrace FG Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! KING Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. CHARMING [snatching the wand and tossing it back to FG] Mommy! FIONA Mommy? FG I told you. Ogres don't live happily ever after. FG tries to zap SHREK but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear. FIONA Oh, Dad![sobbing] PINOCHIO Is he...? GINGY Yup. He croaked. Croak sound can be heard. FIONA picks up a frog QUEEN Harold? FIONA Dad? KING I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. DONKEY And he gave you a hard time! SHREK Donkey! KING No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now... she already has it. Shrek, Fiona... Will you accept an old frog's apologies... and my blessing? QUEEN Harold? KING I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. 31 QUEEN You're more that man today than you ever were... warts and all. Clock chimes PUSS Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! SHREK Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? FIONA What? SHREK Because if you kiss me now... we can stay like this. FIONA You'd do that? For me? SHREK Yes. FIONA I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, [SHREK leans in to kiss her but she stops him] with the ogre I married. PUSS Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobs] Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the ogre SHREK and FIONA SHREK Now, where were we? Oh. I remember. Fade out. Spotlight on DONKEY. DONKEY Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? FANFARE

Nice love Shrek, have the next scene?

[Biddil Arcfire]

My old pal Eldon typed that from memory.

Don't ask him for transcript of Dances With Wolves, we'll be here all night.

[Speedi]

My old pal Eldon typed that from memory.

Don't ask him for transcript of Dances With Wolves, we'll be here all night.

Lmao, good one biddil :)

[wwoneo]

So this is what the P99 RNF forums has become. I'm disappointed in you all.

[Spyder73]

I feel this applies here

[Redi]

I feel this applies here

Lol

[Ella`Ella]

If you played EverQuest this week, you lost.

[Detoxx]

If you played EverQuest this week, you lost.

Shut up, Greg

[Redi]

I'm plummeting in overwatch rank, it's like quick sand

[Tankdan]

I'm plummeting in overwatch rank, it's like quick sand

Me too.. I keep playing with p99 baddies!

[Bugaman]

Dozekar is the most important mob on that list hands down. The guild bringing in doze kills week after week is the one who is "winning" IMO. This week it looks like Aftermath. Good on you boys. I remember when the server had no respect for the raiders of Asgard and Forsaken. Ya'll have come a long way since merging. Happy for your successes. How is the view from the top these days?

[TheFishyOne]

***LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABOUT AFTERMATH'S PINT***

When Pint first rolled on this server, he was called Quart. Soon afterward, server staff determined that he was too OP in PvE...

...So they nerfed him to a Pint.

[Signal]

We should do this poll every week...Aftermath just destroyed Awakened for the 2nd week in a row killing the following mobs.

Wonder if we will get another poll after this week about which guild won ?

Vulak
Vyemm
Tormax
Dozekar
Eashen
Yelinak
Zlexak
Kreiz
LTK
Klandi
Zlandi
Gozzrem
Telk
Sevelak

[t3kn34k]

We should do this poll every week...Aftermath just destroyed Awakened for the 2nd week in a row killing the following mobs.

Wonder if we will get another poll after this week about which guild won ?

Vulak
Vyemm
Tormax
Dozekar
Eashen
Yelinak
Zlexak
Kreiz
LTK
Klandi
Zlandi
Gozzrem
Telk
Sevelak

I cant tell if that is 50% or not but you guys got Doze and Vulak so who gives a shit, right?
Also that was a sick Aftermath vulch on Yelinak after Awakened ate a soul crushing defeat at 5%.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. R.I.P. in Pepperonis.
Do I have the fraps? Well, duh. https://youtu.be/dUqpVLsRBzc
http://i.imgur.com/1TQqWdJ.jpg
BUT, WAIT! There's more... After the wipe, 3 awakened members ragequit hard and didnt even come back to accept rez. Word is at least one of them suicided later that night by injecting 4 marijuanas.
http://i.imgur.com/IE8O49s.jpg
Scifer, are you still #Aboveit?

[cdawgz28]

Zzz