A Halfling's Odyssey

[captnamazing]

Dedicated to Whitebird

http://i.imgur.com/OXKeTwB.jpg

~~1~~
Sing to me, O Muse the story of he
Who from the Vale did by winding roads go
Across seas and oceans unimagined
Fought foes of whom no whispers reached his home.

Gods, a hobbit so stout and brawn of arm
The Vale is enough for most of that race
Whyfor did he leave the gold Paradise?
To suffer! To Fear! O', Forgotten Pawn!

Filbus had adventures plenty perilous
Howling Stones – the Ruins of Sebilis
Dragons had tasted the bite of his blade
The Clan Borf cowed at sight of his shadow

[captnamazing]

Filbus was to wed the great Grumphilda
She of such great beauty and musculature
A beard like a hammer! An ass like an ox!
They had made the necessary courtship

Filbus had sent the thousand head of goblin
And she had returned forty dozen ogre tongues
All shipped via Nomsanto Packing Inc.
Precision & perfection – it's Delivered.

Our hero, Filbus, the Blade of the Vale
Conqueror of Runnyeye Citadel
Slayer of the Efreeti Lord Djarn
et. al, made his way accordingly.

He ran from the Vale through Kithicor
And over the glades of the West Commonlands
It was nighttime by the time he saw
the horrors of the Tunnel.

But what! Filbus exclaimed to himself
We have only just killed the Avatar of Thule!
What beast now ravages these pleasant plains?
And he drew close to the scene...

http://i.imgur.com/NnrxlcM.jpg

Filbus felt the sweats hit him hard
He uncorked a few dozen bottles of mead
to take off the bite, so to speak..
There was something terribly familiar at play.

He sorted through the pulped corpses
Could smell the shit of death roasted in their pants
Each waft tightened around his spine
The hand of Fear was at work.

Bristlebane, O Bristlebane, my liege!
Answer me, Answer me!! What is this??
But Bristlebane was silent. Filbus left to sweat.
The halfling had fallen too far to the ways of fear.

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/jdLaJhv.jpg

His world had become ruled by the God of Terror
Why was the Cazic present so... ever present?
Filbus found a halfling warrior of the 60th season
hiding inside an ogre... too suspicious!

What manner of hobbit are you, Phoom! Filbus demanded
what you mean lol? Phoom replied
At this provocation, Filbus threw down his gauntlet.
I shall make you fear the Bristlebane. Draw your sword!

Do you have bufs? Phoom asked
Filbus checked his buff bar – partially raid buffed
No, said the wiley Filbus. And then he cut Phoom down.
In a flash, Phoom was reduced to a pile of meat in a metal skin.

Are you pleased now, Bristlebane? Filbus shrieked
The spittle and blood from his mouth clung inside his helm
It dripped down his neck and onto his armor
he looked like a dog with a bib of blood.

And Muse, Did he not then venture to EFP?
Where at the docks he cut down a fisher woman
With a single stroke of his blade?
Did take the name of his god in spite, then?

http://i.imgur.com/xpJZkwM.jpg

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/2JmMIXo.jpg

For days, Filbus waited for the ship to arrive...
His third-cousin, Biteaucul, came to pray on his behalf
This cleric of Bristlebane, with whom our hero
had struck fear into the heart of Neriak

http://i.imgur.com/TSI7zTN.jpg

They burned the bodies of any they could get their hands on
Railing at the heavens -- BRISTLEBANE!
Filbus screamed. He frothed at the mouth
YOU WILL ANSWER ME WHEN I CALL YOU!!

http://i.imgur.com/dkGILwx.jpg

And Lo! Was there not a ship 'pon the horizon?
A distant speck like hope Filbus was not forgotten?
Indeed, perhaps Bristlebane played a prank
It was in his nature, was it not?

Upon the ship the halflings made their way
into the underbelly, in search of food and booze
"Look!" Filbus exclaimed merrily, "the ship's bar!"
Alas... it was not a bar, but a LIBRARY

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/DgFGFnW.jpg

[Rattle Squirrell]

So what are you plans now that you have won the internet ?

Awesome man.

[GnashingOfTeeth]

http://media.giphy.com/media/J46yTrDxZnAOs/giphy.gif

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/sf5fuLo.jpg

~~2~~

Tell me, O Muse of the starlit heavens
Of that hero's journey through salt and sea
Did he perish in the dark depths and die?
Or did he make it to his one True Love?

Filbus awoke on the edge of a stone
That rose black and stark from the water's face
His face was white from a mask of salt
And his back and ribs were bruised to blue

What had happened? The last thing he remembered...
Trying to drink books... Bristlebane laughing
The Fear gripping his chest, clawing his eyes.
And then blackness. Blackness beyond blackness!


http://i.imgur.com/1Y2ZPyZ.jpg

The halfling hero carefully studied
the desolate landscape – the barren rocks!
But yea, was there not a troll? And thus hope?
Perhaps he was not far from a port island

Thus, he struck out across the rocky strait
Keeping his eyes on his unlikely savior
For, had Filbus not slain time aplenty
The warted troll, the scourge of Innothule?

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/D2X8JFL.jpg

Upon seeing the halfling, the Troll cried
“Killer of my cousin Groi, you die NOW!
Attack, attack, you weeping angels!”

Thunder smote the air – the sky turned to black
A pair of beautiful beings came close
half women, half fish ; shrieking like banshees
They joined the troll and attacked Filbus

Though weak, though hungry and tired, though no
Respite or aid for leagues and leagues to go
Filbus cut down the two alluring sirens
In an instant. They floated ghostly, dead.

Nerbilik cried in anguish as his friends died
“O' you Horrid Fiend!” came the words from the
warted lips of Bertoxxulous. “Did I not
Give my life to your pursuit? Have I not

Marooned myself on this ocean rock
Have I not sold my soul to Innoruuk
In exchange for the storm that would destroy your ship?
And kill your halfling friend?”

Nerbilik flung his Fishing Spear to the ground
“Kill me now, for I will not rest until you die,”
The troll concluded. Filbus obliged.
He wiped his swords dry on the troll's shirt.

http://i.imgur.com/JIQiSOG.jpg

[captnamazing]

For a while, Filbus stayed on the Siren's rock
He drank of their fish liquors – O Delight!
and tasted of their fish flesh – so Salty!
But it came to pass that he grew bored

http://i.imgur.com/cI9yGOj.jpg

He struck out from the rocky grotto
encased in a suit of full plate mail
Each stroke made a wave the size of a hill
Each kick deafened the fish below

I have always been friend to Prexus
Filbus imagined to himself, happily forgetting
When he razed the remnant of the Kedge
and cut apart the chest of Phinigel

The halfling, feeling forgotten by his god
Turned to that most enigmatic deity
Prexus – he who shed his tears upon Norrath
Forming the lakes and salt lakes of the world

Filbus was thrown into a maelstrom
The size of which mere imaginings cannot conceive
He filled his lungs with a hearty draught
Before the plunge, and held!

[Gaffin 7.0]

powerful

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/BSRpiga.jpg

~~3~~

Down, down he sank in the fathomed depths
Prexus' song clamored like timpanis
The maelstrom howled – the beasts awoke from sleep
and turned their keen red eyes on Filbus...

A panther of the water attacked Filbus
In a flash, the reptilian thing had
its maw encompassing our hero's waist
But, Filbus, ever cool, smote the nose

And the shark let him go, for the nose hurts
Filbus cut a long gash on the shark's skin
severing the dorsal fin, which he grabbed
and put in his backpack for a later snack.

http://i.imgur.com/5hrll2F.jpg

The halfling's lungs burned like fire in wind
How many hours, days, had it been?
Since he had drawn a fresh breath.. O' Prexus
Ill-forgotten god, had our hero in his grasp.

With the last might of a dying warrior
Filbus clawed his way to the top of the ocean
He surged from the waters like a great whale
Hours later, a tidal wave would destroy an island town.

And the islanders, perishing, will raise
Their puckered fingers to the indifferent sky
they will weep for their pitiful lives
begging the sea-monster who caused it forgiveness

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/B5v9cPu.jpg

At last,came the hour of respite!
Not far off, the hero spied a verdant isle
Ringed in colour like Yola's layer cake
Filbus wept as he swam toward the cay

He lit on the shores of the sandy beach
Chewed the water-melons to a pulp
Filled his stomach until he vomited red slime
Fell to his knees in praise of Bristlebane

“Oh My Great God Bristlebane, how ever
Can I please you, now? For it is clear that
You have had a mighty laugh. Pulled a prank
upon your Truest champion!

But now you have delivered me from Terror
And I believe this to be my chance to entreat
Yourself, with my own vows of servitude.
I must make haste!” Filbus cried to no one.

Thus, he raced up toward the island's middle
Upon the way – behold!! A halfling man!
Filbus went to him, fellow being of the 'bane
What ho and good morrow to ye, Filbus Hailed.

http://i.imgur.com/erJI3nM.jpg

The halfling was a deaf mute!! Dumb and blind!
Filbus spat on the ground in great anger
and smote his cousin of the Vale – to death.
The halfling fell, bloodied and helpless – to die.

http://i.imgur.com/67BZHlX.jpg

It was the end of Raotin Teawel
The ancient mariner of the Vale – Chronicler
of cetology and all manners of water-life
it is said that Mrs. Teawel, perceiving
Her late husband's demise – perished, with a babe on the teat.

Filbus noticed the island was populated by Aviaks
not unlike those he commonly slew in Sky
and the halflings hatred for aviaks was great
so he climbed to the top of the mountain

“I will bring Terror to all who stand in my way!”
Filbus declared at the top of his lungs
At the height of the mountain rising from the sea
In the Plane of Fear, Cazic-Thule laughed.

http://i.imgur.com/a24i5PI.jpg

Filbus leaped from the tippy top!
It is said that his feet did not touch ground for hours
That the concussive force of his jump
Made wizards 'round the world forget their hate

With the same titanic force that he propelled
himself, Filbus careened onto the aviak platform
the ground shook under his titanic feet
and the whole world of men bowed in Fear.

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/nDnJeem.jpg

Now was the time of Darkness. Now for Fear!
Filbus, O' Saint of Bristlebane, had fallen
from the grace of his Drunken Hobbit God
and Fear commanded his halfling heart.

Like an assassin, Filbus slit the bird's
feathered throat. He clamped his teeth
Upon the aviak's hollowed spine
The bird cried out once – and they fell together.

http://i.imgur.com/NU3pwZF.jpg

Filbus calmly dragged the body to a flame
Deposited the bird on the fiery logs
The fat sputtered in the heat – the smell was good
But Filbus had no design to feast...

With red 'round his eyes, he wandered
Slaying all the aviaks of the island
and dragging their bodies to the open fire
whereupon he deposited their corpses

He croaked many guttural, foul things
From the once charming mouth of that
Most revered Halfling warrior.
Finally, there were enough bodies.

http://i.imgur.com/UT5yj6t.jpg

Filbus took to a knee before the sacrificial pyre
O', worm of heaven!
He declared, coldly peering 'pon the pyre
O' fat bacon of my deranged heart!

I have heard your laughter, Bristlebane
I know that you have not forgotten me
But you play this prank... for why??
Why lead me to think you are Cazic-Thule?

Is this not most cruel to do?
Against I? Who have so righteously.
and valiantly. And honorably upheld
The merit of your drunken, lecherous name?

The fat in the flames sizzled, popped
Great plumes of waxy black smoke soared
Upon the air like the wings of dead aviak's
Whose children would know not but Terror.

Suddenly beholding the scene of his making
Filbus turned to flee. But he was not
Free of the fire's soot. It wreathed his face
and he levitated from the ground

Surely, Filbus thought to himself,
As he floated away from the island,
purely at the will and whim of wind
Bristlebane will save me now?

http://i.imgur.com/SQYD0w3.jpg

[Skinned]

I am loving this epic poem.

[captnamazing]

Music I listened to while writing Part 3. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YObQ6bP0eDQ

[Pheer]

tl;dr

[Misanthrope]

how many halflings have to die before youll be satisfied?

[Tobras]

Don't lose heart, Filbus! Your god has not forsaken you!

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/PniqV5e.jpg

~~4~~

At what expense is a fortune won?
How many limbs rot in soggy ditches
As the glutton rots upon his gem pile?
Tell us, O' Cyclops, your worth of solid gold.

The forgotten hero flew over sea
Like a rotund seagull with feet for wings
He danced upon the ocean's foamy face
Like a faerie, that fair, elusive race.

The sun leaped from rim to rim, dancing like
A citrine on a field of sapphire stone
The winds blew cool and strong, propelling our
Hero, the Furyfoot, fast, far, long.

The weary halfling spotted, long at last
the fairest isle that he had seen yet.
It was shaped like a blazing ruby crown
Dotted with emerald rings and sapphires.

He bodysurfed a wave onto the beach
and found he had landed in the footprint
of a giant, primordial beast.
He studied the footprint – a cyclops, ho!

[captnamazing]

Thus, Filbus strung his mighty bow – cold oak
Formed it's wicked curves – Ten Longfoot Feet
The bowshaft spanned. It curved and twisted
like the ebony horn of Trakanon.

Filbus drew and knocked a soggy arrow
The heavens sang out, immaculate chorus
From hill to hill, the arrow whistled
Flashing like a diving eagle afront the son

http://i.imgur.com/DVkllbj.jpg

The arrow struck home and the Cyclops writhed
It roared and waxed its breath like a bellows.
But 'twas no more than a nagging splinter
the Cyclops charged the heroic halfling!

Fret not, most intrepid reader of adventure.
Filbus, though forgotten by his Blood God
Had not forgotten his sword, the Blood God
And he delicately painted the sands red.

http://i.imgur.com/oGDq6sO.jpg

[captnamazing]

Upon the Cyclops' person Filbus found
Riches unimagined, a ruby crown!
With great delight he pocketed the loot
And marched further into the island.

For some days and night Filbus stayed afoot
Upon the island of Cyclops, feared beasts.
Whose malevolent gaze could strike terror
In the ivory breast of Grumphilda.

O' Most Noble Darling - Filbus screamed
His teeth dripping with shredded tendon – Beauty!
His armor drenched in dripping blood – My Sweet!
The cyclops brutes will fear your name: Grumphilde!!

At last, the fury of his blood-frenzy
Abated like the ebbing of a foaming tide
And Filbus found no other victims
To whet the thirst of his sated blade.

The halfling was cheerful and rich of spirit
He was fat on feasted flesh and rich in gold
So with his pockets weeping shining gems
He swum away, away, to a bleaker place.

http://i.imgur.com/6DZfwqj.jpg

[Cyph]

Go Filbus! Excellent stuff :)

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/KLVPbAn.jpg

~~5~~

How desolate this basalt rock compared
To the lush valleys of the Thicket
How destitute of culture, these people
Gargoyles and goblins... no art, no cheer!

Filbus wandered o'er rock, crag, and cliff
Met by mirthless eyes that shied in fear
From the glory of his deadly, sharpened blades
This was the island of the fabled Oracle.

Our hero searched in vain for the oracle
He bothered not with these foes, like to ants
At length he found a tolerable stretch
of emerald grass, whereupon he found

The High Elf! Guardian of K'arnon.
Filbus had heard legend of this great elf
Whose righteous blade smote those intrepid few
Who tried to kill the Oracle, that seer.

“Where is the [oracle]?” Filbus asked him.
Attempting to parlay with this noble
Paladin, whose armor shone bright like the
Rising sun o'er the ice blocks of Everfrost.

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/kzlEFQk.jpg

Guardian of K'Arnon silent, stood
Unanswering, unwavering, he said
Not. “O' Peerless Paladin,” Taunted Filbus
“Do not make me slay you, too. You will die!”

“Do not interfere with me, Filbus!”
The elf shrieked. He lunged forward and slugged hard
Filbus felt teeth rattle loose in his mouth
The blood seeped down his throat. “And now you die!”

They dueled upon that mournful rock like Kings.
The heavens wept in vain for these two heroes.
One of whom had lost his God, the other whom
Would waste his life with a Paladin's pride.

O' how they danced! The dirt turned into mud
Guardian of K'Arnon was mighty in his own right
He wrestled deftly against our halfling hero
Determined to defend the ghost of his Oracle, to the death!

Filbus had worn down the Guardian with
A thousand cuts. The courageous elf sought
Help from the Gods, and they answered!
His wounds were healed time and time again.

In a jealous rage, Filbus struck him down
Once and for all. The Guardian's head
Rolled like a doomed boulder into the sea
And Filbus took from the elf the finest cut of loin.

http://i.imgur.com/NaBLw6m.jpg

“Greengrocer will appreciate this.” Fil thought.
And then turning his back on the gods, on
the island whereupon he had slain a fine elf,
he plunged, armor bloody, into the depths.

[captnamazing]

What hope had Filbus for himself?
He sank and sank, with no worry for where he went.
It was clear to him that the wind blew ill
and the currents of the ocean sought to slay him.

http://i.imgur.com/NaBLw6m.jpg

For days Filbus swam through the depths.
He aimed to drown himself, but was thwarted
By the sheer power of his own lungs
and was made invulnerable to such a petty death.

He rode great fish the likes of which
Could not be imagined. They permitted
To ferry him whither they desired
After he struck them repeatedly in the brain.

http://i.imgur.com/ZKsYbnw.jpg

Journeying aimlessly through forgotten depths,
Filbus wept a single tear. A halfling tear!
A cure for all diseases, as any cleric knows.
He longed for the whiskered embrace of Grumphilda.

Has she forgotten me? He thought in Fear
I have no doubt a dozen dwarves are near
They all aim to take her as a bride
Filbus turned red in rage, and more, his spirit died.

With these thoughts in mind, he resolved
To find a way to Butcherblock, or he
Would destroy the world and kill all lovers
he would strike Fear into the heart of them all!

He breached the surface of the icy depths
Like a mastodon rising from a tar pit
And he roared a challenge to the cursed gods
“I will cut you down and fuck your mouth!”

Then, before his very eyes, a white isle
Cloaked in ice, had from its shoulders lifted
a veil of silver fog. Then and there, Fil
Decided to strike Fear into the hearts of any there.

http://i.imgur.com/2Ubnc5C.jpg

[Clark]

Lol good stuff.

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/KduSnWj.jpg

~~6~~

Those who quail at thought of harm, turn your eyes!
This account is dark and full of terror.
As cold as the island was, made of ice
Filbus' heart was ten times the cooler.

He made his way upon the glaciered slopes
Spied a thing about the size of a halfling
Though a little larger, and cloaked in white
Dwarves! Filbus frothed to himself. Time to die!

He let fly an arrow fast like lightning
It smote the white-furred dwarf between the eyes
The dwarf howled like a yeti and pawed 'pon
Its injured face. A dozen of its kin appeared.

The halfling hero smiled cruelly.
This was what he wanted – horde on his feet!
He leaped over the snowy ice, pantherlike
Watching the dwarf militia swell behind.

http://i.imgur.com/ZhMUBdE.jpg

I will make each one of these white dwarves pay
Tenfold for the crime they thought to commit!
Lascivious imaginings – my sweet -
I shield you from their lecherous fantasy!

Filbus raced seven times 'round the icy isle
The dwarves bellowed in pursuit and summoned
All their kind from their hollowed ice caves
At last, their number reached the height: two score.

The deranged halfling drew the Earthshaker
A sword so mighty it rent the globe's foundation
Its swings caused mighty quakes to thunder
And slay all who stood before its wielder.

http://i.imgur.com/bLv1AGE.jpg

Again, again, the earth howled below!
Shaking, grinding – that tectonic Terror.
The dwarves were catapulted and crunched and
smashed to smithereens, to dwarven jelly.

At the end of his work, Filbus rested
Wondering where the king of these ignoble dwarves
Would reside, on such a barbarous isle.
Surely, thought Filbus, in the center!

[captnamazing]

Thus, he stripped himself of his armors
and equipped a darker set, stained by blood
Won by the cruel hand of fear itself
A set of gear that matched the darkness of his heart.

http://i.imgur.com/6q2Bh4E.jpg

Filbus, made invisible by his Shadowknight's armor
Crept thru the icy crags of the icy isle
And lo! There was Halara! The King
Of these cursed white, ape-like dwarves!

http://i.imgur.com/JihRJrW.jpg

Filbus stabbed Halara in the heart
With Bloodpoint, and that necromantic blade
sapped the life of the dwarven king
restoring, reinvigorating, the hero.

In an instant, the royal guard assailed him
Filbus cut them to pieces more quickly than
A single blow could be dealt upon his back
And then it was him and the King.

They dueled for the duration of a sunny day
The blood of Halara turned rust brown
On the ground, and the blood stained Filbus'
Feet as he danced the dance of Slaying.

Throughout the night they had fierce melee
Their bodies' heat melted a great portion of the ice
And as the sun crept upon the horizon's rim
Filbus led Halara to the top of the icy mountain.

http://i.imgur.com/Mv7sORm.jpg

There, they both knew, one would die.
For had Filbus not grievously wounded Halara?
And had Halara not most expertly broken
Several of Filbus' steel-like bones?

But what Halara, the King of the Sea Dwarves
made up for in brutish strength
he lacked in cunning, in the wiley wit
That our halfling hero possessed in excess

As the sun showed its shining face
Halara found himself blinded directly by the light
Filbus used this time to sever Halara's hamstrings
And kick him, like a useless meat-sack, down the slope.

Halara's neck snapped like a peal of thunder
He was dead in an instant 'pon the mountain.
Filbus checked Halara's loot table
and was disgusted to find the dwarf a pauper.

http://i.imgur.com/N3vgAhh.jpg

[captnamazing]

He left the body on the frozen summit
Let the wind blow him from the forgotten peak
and surrendered himself to the ocean's current
The waters cooled his rage – the wind his fury.

As he drifted 'pon the wings of time
Filbus felt the hands of Gods toying with him
Like the slimy hands of that Lecherous Sheriff
That touched Filbus, when he was a wee lad.

Confused, aroused, Filbus demanded
An answer from a god – any god!
All he heard in response was titanic laughter
Was it Bristlebane? Cazic-Thule? or Zek??
At last, Filbus arrived on another island.
Of a balmy, tropical ilk. Where life could
Flourish as to like that in Rivervale.

He wandered on the white sanded shores
Pondering his fate, this forced exile
Where no wind blew in his favor,
Nor did any ship come to his aid.

Then he spotted a familiar sight in the distance
A giant chessboard like the one of Butcherblock!
Filbus studied the ancient kings and queens
beaten as they were by the sands of time.

http://i.imgur.com/t07a5Pm.jpg

He stood there for several days
without eating or sleeping, only wondering
At his own life. Where were the other chess pieces?
Where was the board? Who was the hand that placed him?

[Kekephee]

As he drifted 'pon the wings of time
Filbus felt the hands of Gods toying with him
Like the slimy hands of that Lecherous Sheriff
That touched Filbus, when he was a wee lad.


Allegations of pederasty amongst the guardians of the Vale shake Norrath to its very core

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/0qWnJoE.jpg

~~7~~
How many Gods are there for Akanon?
Who is it that protects the Gnomes? Defends
Them from those who wish to steal their secrets
Curses those who succeed in doing so?

Filbus wandered in a maddened trance
Wondering at his unexpected misfortune.
Explaining to the palms the peril of his plight
Scraping his knees on immobile rocks.

An adroit gnome named Xiblin found
our hero raving, lips bleeding, on the ground
He took the halfling to his house, fed him
Gave him water and a bed to rest in.

For several days our halfling slept
He dreamt of Yola's Sweetcookie and all
the rest of the whores of Rivervale.
Whom he so fondly visited in his youth

When Filbus awoke, he met with Xiblin.
They held council in the ancient ruins
And Filbus knew this was a cousin to his friend
The esteemed Nibblewitz, the Sorcerer

The one who wields the epic staff
and successfully cast Disintegrate upon the world
He who traverses unimaginable spans of space
While his temporal being remains constant.

There was no doubt, Filbus imagined
For this Xiblin was an arcane scientist himself
A great archaeologist. He had unearthed many
Forgotten remnants of a glorious and bloody past.

Xiblin told Filbus the greatest secret.
He had discovered an ancient combine spire
In the watery depths of the distant South!
He had scribed the map upon his shovel.

Filbus demanded the shovel from Xiblin
He told the gnome that the shovel was the key
to take him to the side of his One True Love
and to deliver him from the Torment of the Gods

But Xiblin denied. “I need the shovel to dig,”
he explained lamely. “I would gladly swap
you for another shovel, if you have one!”
Filbus did not. Xiblin died.

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/BDDT6XX.jpg

Xiblin was no match for our mighty warrior
Yet, he caused by magic the map to be erased
From the shovel's face. A final curse.
And Xiblin died with a smile upon his lips.

Perceiving the gnome's treachery, Filbus
Cackled. Was this the best the gods could conceive?
He took the shovel and smote Xiblin's skull
Leaving behind jellied remains for the crabs.

Filbus set out to the south, whereupon
He had many adventures and misadventures
Mistaking a broken druid ring for his destination
Being ambushed by the ferocious raptors

http://i.imgur.com/6DrwiPt.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/RUfkh9F.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/kj5QcM6.jpg

On a destitute stretch of ceaseless sea
Filbus realized how stupid he had been
He snatched his Leatherfoot Raider Skullcap
From his bags and activated it!

[captnamazing]

Alas, there was no charge. For he was a nub
But lo! Was there not a great stone wall
rearing from the fathomless depths below?
Filbus thought, Surely here is my salvation!

http://i.imgur.com/i5cLGTm.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/V1Ik8iG.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/hIxEdTH.jpg

He came by underwater passages
To the center of a volcanic remnant
A mountain that remembered the distant
Battles, when the dragons fought the gods.

This was a most heavenly island
But a quick tour revealed Filbus was wrong
Here were not the ancient combine spires
Here were black guys and a dwarf drinking rum

http://i.imgur.com/5LqK6AJ.jpg

Using his riches, Filbus purchased
Many bottles of Captain Oriin's fine ale
He quaffed heavily of these ignoble potions
and slumbered deep upon the dwarf's bed

In the morning they kicked him out
“You are loud and drunk” the infidels said
And Filbus was too cottonmouthed and tired
To take up blade and cut out their hearts.

As he fled their paradisal island,
headed west, to where he knew he must,
he thought on his new friends pitifully,
was that not a marvelous slice of culture?

He made his drunken way to the western rim
Fought a fire gator and killed the beast
At last, he spied 'pon that blue horizon
What he sought! The spires, the spires!

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/MHRvnDk.jpg

Bristlebane has not forsaken me!
I will light one thousand candles in his honor
I will sip the rarest meads in all the land
I will pull the greatest pranks on the nastiest men!

Whereupon Filbus swamp down deep
and entered the Firepots of Timorous Deep
Whereupon he was frustrated once again
By the designs of the treacherous Xiblin.

He had no legend from which to descry
Which fire to leap into – for each one
Led to a different city in a different land!!
With no other option, Filbus played Guess.

http://i.imgur.com/enDEoex.jpg

He went 'round the ring of fire, checking
the insignias, the workings of the brazier
And it did not take him long to deduce
Which of these eternal torches was of the dwarves.

Being thus decided, Filbus put a foot
Into the fire, and felt his knavel hooked
And ripped and torn and smashed and thrown
Across the ethers to a place unknown.

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/RrDuNcB.jpg

Filbus came to in the Neriak Commons.
His laughter rang like a death knell through the
Cold stone halls of the Dark Elven city.
He uncorked and drank all the ale he had left.

To Filbus's soaked, depressed, deranged mind
It seemed the dark elves had tried to trap him
And encase him in the perilous walls of their city
So that they might, once and for all, defeat him.

http://i.imgur.com/8MNhmhG.jpg

His heart grew hot to slay his hated foe
and so he found Divn L'Crit, his nemesis
Fought him in a trial of single combat
Upon the dark crags that ring the edge of Neriak.

http://i.imgur.com/F0pV37u.jpg

Divn died. Could it be a surprise?
But Filbus was not finished. Himself alone,
he combated with half a dozen elves
Until it was the last three of the guard.

One, two, three, their bodies all hit the floor.
The alarm tolled loudly in the hot air
Black elf blood ran blue in the streets
The garrison approached. Filbus fled!

http://i.imgur.com/N5lClw8.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/PLOpQP6.jpg


With all the bravery of a halfling,
Filbus sprinted away before his foes
His fun had been had, he chose not to die
Here, in this murky forest of all damned places.

No, he would return to the hand of his
Estimable sweetheart, O' Grumphilda
Ox-eyed Grumphilda, whose legs
are stout and thick like short trunks of oak!!

[mtb tripper]

Dedication man

[captnamazing]

~~8~~
Muse!! Tarry no further! Tell us that Doom
which was delivered to the halfling hero.
Did his exile continue in perpetuity?
Or was he graced again by the face of God?

Filbus, further from his goal than ever
Lost no time in sneaking through Freeport
He boarded a fine merchant vessel bound for Butcherblock.
He hid himself in a barrel of apples.

The ship sailed 'cross the perilous sea
The sailors grew hungry for some fresh apples
Removing the top of the barrel, they were surprised
To see a very hungry, very smelly hobbit.

Filbus, though a great warrior, was weak
Hungry, startled by the clamoring sailors
and the sun, whose indifference blazed radiantly.
They stripped him of his armors on the deck.

“What have we here boys?” The captain asked
“A toy for us to play with!” They responded uniformly.
Whereupon the sailors began to drop their pants
And Filbus entered a deep berzerker rage.

“NOT AGAIN, ROGLIO!” He screamed
He grabbed the nearest sausages and flung
the sailors to whom they were attached
into the shark-infested waters below

The captain designed to subdue Filbus
With his cutlass, cutting at the frothing halfling
Who readily caught the oncoming blade
With his bare hands. He ripped it from the captain's grasp.

It was then that Filbus sank deeper
into a rage so destitute from the reason or sanity
That he was lost to space and time.
In his blind rage, he slew all the sailors.

Filbus awoke in a grassy Vale. Sunshine, glory!
He feasted on the treats and drinks laid beside him
Worthy of his family name. Indeed!
Whereupon a mighty being strode forth unto him.

Bristlebane? Filbus wondered, trembling.
Have you at last taken me back to your heart?
And then the earth unfolded beneath the hobbit
and he perceived the world to be at war.

[captnamazing]

“I AM RALLOS ZEK” the mighty being boomed.
It was in the shape of an ogre with a fiery mane
Wielding a great sword that had lightning arcing on the balde
“YOU, HOBBIT, HAVE PLEASED ME,” Zek said.

Filbus parlayed with the God of War.
He politely explained he worshipped Bristlebane
The father of all the halflings. Rallos laughed
His laughter sounded like a giant's death bellow.

“ARE YOU NOT AWARE YOU HAVE BEEN TESTED?”
Rallos queried. “WHERE HAS BRISTLEBANE BEEN?”
And Filbus wondered at this. Indeed, where was he?
There was so much death, and so little laughter.

Filbus confessed to the God of War his Fear
that Cazic-Thule had begun to hold sway on his soul
and Zek nodded, pleased with the halfling's perception
Zek confirmed, Thule was guilty, though a nonfactor.

“YOU HAVE KILLED MANY, FILBUS” Rallos said.
“WITHOUT KNOWING IT, YOU HAVE FURTHERED MY DESIGNS.
YOU ARE NO SERVANT TO BRISTLEBANE. YOU
ARE NO MINION OF FEAR. YOU ARE A WARRIOR!!”

The sky split open with pealing thunder
Images of horrific battles came to be around Filbus
He felt oddly calm amongst the brutality of it
And smiled as blood misted his salty face.

“WILL YOU TAKE MY NAME AS YOUR MASTER?” Rallos asked.
“I will serve you, my True God!” he declared.
And the spray of the blood of the war around him,
Drenched Filbus. He awoke on the merchant vessel.

The winds of war now blew in his favor
The ship sped across the glassy waters like a dart
Filbus knew in his gut something was wrong,
and that he must arrive, or lose his Love forever!!

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/go4WQlc.jpg

~~9~~

'twas the wedding day of Grumphilda.
Though she and her father, Hammerbeard
Mourned the absence of the great halfling, Filbus,
They knew that Grump must be married.

Lest she pass that sweet cherried age
and pass into the crusted life of a lonely dwarfette
Hammerbeard sent invitations to the greatest houses
of Kaladim, asking them send their most desirable sons.

They held a competition for the hand
Of Grumphilda, that beauteous ox of dwarves!
There were many young dwarves who came
Hoping to improve their bloodline, if she could work.

There was Vicodyn of the clan Vicobrime
And Stolie the Strong of House Weaselfang
Slutbuster of the House Poonanifuck
Grumplestumps the Short of the Clan Brickleg.

There was Khardos of Khaza-Dum the Lost
Grumblee, a horny cleric of Brell,
Beardedbrawler, a dwarf who was deaf and mute
Addal the Drunk of Clan Borzashian
And Odococ the singular female suitor
And Amodazish, who claimed to have the
blood of princes in his veins. These were some
but not all the <Suitors of Grumphilda>

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/KbKi9yW.jpg

Hammerbeard first challenged the suitor dwarves
To fetch two bits of bone and two bat wings
From the surrounding hills, to prove
That they valued the foundation of marriage.

Grumphilda, a tempestuous beauty,
Grew tired of these boring games most quickly.
She demanded her suitors wrestle for her hand!
To prove that they were not brave, but also had brawn.

Let it be known that doe-eyed Grumphilda
Sighed many nights, and in her secret heart
still longed for the warm embrace of her intended
That heroic halfling that perished in the ocean.

Grumphilda watched with considerable glee
as the dwarven men wrestled in the grass and dirt
After several hours, she had had enough
And Hammerbeard laid precedent for the third trial

http://i.imgur.com/scjmtLW.jpg

“A race from the gates of Kaladim to the docks!”
Hammerbeard declared. “And then my daughter
Shall decide for whom she has the most desire
to give her hand for eternal marriage!”

The falcons flying above Butcherblock
that day, had never before seen dwarves
Fly with such speed upon the rock face
Of that lowly world.

At length, Grumphilda declared Stolie
The winner of their race. And she designed
to take his hand for marriage. For Stolie
had proved most admirable of all the Suitors.

http://i.imgur.com/4zd0gDf.jpg
After a much needed feast, the proceedings
began. The ceremony was held by the sea
Grimbil the halfling Cleric presided as officiator.
Things were merry. The weather warm. Grumphilda happy!

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/XICybNK.jpg

~~10~~

Sing to me, o' Muse of the starry sky!
Finish your tale of the hero of the Vale!
Who for months was tossed between the waves
and hounded by the ill-favors of the Gods.

Filbus steered the ship toward the Butcher docks
But being an ill-trained seaman, he crashed
the ship into a cove on the northern coast.
He stood upon the poopdeck and studied the beach.

He could not believe his eyes!! GRUMPHILDA!!
She was being married away at that very second.
Filbus raised his hands, entreating Rallos Zek
“GIVE ME YOUR STRENGTH, O' GOD OF WAR!”

A single bolt of lightning arced across
The sky, from the heights of heaven, to the
Hand of Filbus, who called this act of God.
The halfling caught the lightning. His eyes flashed.

In his hands had appeared an epic sword
Charged by the Rage of Rallos Zek himself
Glowing red and blue with the nascent power
Held within that ancient, runed blade.

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/1OfFKHw.jpg

The wind whispered Grimbil Higgin's speech
he called for any objections any had for the wedding
And Filbus roared across a league, “I OBJECT!”
Then leaped from the poop deck into the surf.

No dolphin could ever yearn to move
As Filbus did, so wrathfully, so fast
Did he carve his way through the surf
and to the soil shoreline of Butcherblock.

He saw Stolie the Strong leaning in to kiss
Grumphilda, Filbus' own intended, to steal
his only beloved lover, O' pretty dwarf!
Filbus let fly his last soaked arrow.

The muses sing still of that fated missile
How true it struck the neck of Stolie
Traveling a distance of three hundred yards
Stolie fell dead, clutching the arrow in his neck.

http://i.imgur.com/H9dPeX0.jpg

[captnamazing]

The other Suitors had heard legend
of the mighty Filbus. But brave they were
And so they made to cut him with axes
to club him with staffs, slash with swords!

But what chance did they hope to have?
Filbus, filled with the wrath of a cheated husband
Wielding the blade of Rallos Zek himself!
The combat was fierce and instantaneous.

For each time the Jagged Sword was swung
Another dwarf fell to the ground, slain.
Filbus was a wolverine in a box of hens
At last, his final battle was over.

http://i.imgur.com/VmHTPSn.jpg

So it was that Filbus turned to Grumphilda
They shared many sweet, candied words
Grumphilda's tears washed the blood
from Filbus' gauntlets and face.

Grimbil was most pleased by the prank
As he was a true priest of the Bristlebane.
He wed them then and there, over the bodies
of the fallen suitors, those who vied against Filbus.

http://i.imgur.com/w8tG8of.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/LnGfHKA.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/A85s8hb.jpg

Giddily, Filbus took Grumphilda's hand
Wed forever! O' Happy joy of joys!
They stepped over the blood-soaked bodies
and made their way to some place more secluded.

As they strolled, hearts sweet as honey
Filbus cursed in his soul the god Bristlebane
and Cazic-Thule, and all those who designed
To make him lose his sweet honey Jumjum.

He explained to Grump that he was now
a loyal servant of that great god Rallos Zek
And that it would be his duty to bring war
To all the lands, to raze all the villages.

Did Grumphilda not then, smile sweetly?
On the weary face of her heroic husband.
She shifted herself out of her underclothings
And taught Filbus the dwarvish ways of love.

http://i.imgur.com/T6UVww0.jpg

[captnamazing]

http://i.imgur.com/Py5cpx4.jpg

~~THE END~~

[Velerin]

bravo!

[sulious]

I think you may need to find another wench or you may always be wondering if those are really your boots beneath the bed?

-MB

[Kekephee]

I think you may need to find another wench or you may always be wondering if those are really your boots beneath the bed?

-MB

Have you learned nothing from this thread? Casting aspersions on Filbus' lady is not only spitting in the face of a love that has conquered an entire world's worth of obstacles, but probably a really good way to get your head sliced off and stuffed up your ass

[Smilkers]

Filbus, you are the bravest hoobit in all of Norrath. May Grumphilda bear you many healthy offspring so your bloodline never perishes. By the looks of her, your young are sure to be stout lads and lasses, indeed.

Thanks for sharing your journey with us. This server needs more people like you.

[Stormlight]

Excellent job! Furyfoot and Furyface together at last.

In all my travels, one thing I hope to never experience is to be flung by my sausage into shark-infested waters, or anywhere else for that matter. I'll have to tread carefully around Filbus. ;)