Confessions of a Rageaholic

[Straif]

For as long as I can remember I've been VERY angry.

I grew up a fat kid, got ranked on and what not. Blistering self-hatred and a violent anger streak molded me into a very aggressive, brooding, and introverted person. In a sense it helped me somewhat: I built a reputation not to be fucked with by way of reacting to confrontation with violence, so I stopped getting ridiculed (to my face anyway). Years later a limitless self-loathing attitude drove me to change my physical appearance in a very positive way. I became extremely focused on my goals and found great success in the things I embarked on.

My biggest problem though is that I haven't been able to shed my negative mentality. I alienated myself from people over the years and because of that my social experiences have suffered greatly. Regardless of my physical transformation, from a psychological point of view I still maintain probably the lowest level of self body image one can conceive. I'm overly critical of everything I do and how I look. When I go places I'm constantly in the mind set of "everyone is out to get me / judge me".

I have made considerable progress but inevitably I fall back to square one. I'm very eager to get involved and meet new people but at certain times I feel a great amount of pressure when in social situations. From what I understand the longer a person spends away from social interaction the harder it is for one to develop normal social skills. Recently I began experiencing panic attacks (I think? shortness of breath, increased heart rate, trembling voice, hands shaking). I've thrown away countless sexual encounters because I put women on a pedestal and convince myself "No, I'm ugly, fat, a bad person, etc". This issue is compounded when I caught flack for it by my peers consistently, "Why didn't you fuck Jenny? Shes been talking about you for weeks on end bro, shes been going out of her way to get you to herself"

It seems everything pushes my buttons. Turn on the news: /rage. Walk outside and see someone glowering at me: /rage. Dying to a skeleton at level 2 in EQ: /rage. There is no release. I try to relax but nothing brings me to my center. Some people suggest pot & alcohol and as much as I'm opposed to turning to substances to mask a more serious issue EVEN THOSE don't work.

I feel like I wasted a lot of my life and I have to try and make up time but it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. The people I do meet and become friendly with often want me to compromise myself. I live in South Florida (Miami specifically), one of the rudest cities in America. Our cultural mixing pot breeds some of the most arrogant assholes on the face of the earth. (I.E. I witnessed a father laugh when he son of maybe 8 - 9 years old spit on a homeless man... I'm dead serious). I know not every human being is like this but many people down here are aware of shit like that and thus turn to spiteful people as well.

I'm constantly tired, I get horrible sleep, I live most of days as if I'm dreaming / out of focus of the rest of the world. I'm either overly concerned with self image / other people / or being extremely frustrated, angry, or depressed. I need help. I don't know what to go, or where to turn. (I'm broke and my family isn't the greatest)

Everquest isn't going to rehab me. It's a great escape but I think I need to really get my shit together. I had a good run... in 1999. If I accomplished something worthwhile than I wouldn't say I'm a fuck up but in all honesty I wasted so much time being a temperamental fat kid on EQ pissing away my youth. I just turned 24 and I feel like an enormous fuck up, regardless of having a stellar return in college.

I didn't have anything of value on P99 so I'm sorry I can't give any leet stuff away. If anyone thinks they can offer me some beneficial advice, I'm all ears.

I posted this in R&F because someone recently made light of people being so furious in forums and in game. Honestly.. in the world in general. I just wanted to remind everyone there are real people behind computer screens. We should all aim to be nicer to others, and be the change we want to see in the world.

Take it easy gang, it's been real.

[Azazel]

Good luck !

[OngorDrakan]

I cant wait to get home and read this Straif.

[Straif]

I cant wait to get home and read this Straif.

not as comical as I usually am / try to be.

[Juvir]

Honestly the only thing you really can do, is find things in yourself you do like, and work from there. Aside from professional help i'm not sure there's much that can be done.

[Emoqq]

http://www2.tau.ac.il/InternetFiles/news/UserFiles/image/%D7%A6%D7%97/prozac10c.jpg

[Alawen Everywhere]

I'm going to take you at face value and assume this isn't a troll. If it is, okay, haha, joke's on me.

It's really hell getting over childhood stuff. It might take you a long time, but realize that it's possible. You can change the way you think about things.

There are some cultural things happening right now that aren't good for anyone. Humans have evolved to operate in cooperation. Individually, we are inferior to many other animals. As a group, we are almost unstoppable.

I think you need to find something to belong to. I don't know what that will be for you. Maybe it's something with a church. Maybe it's a therapy group. Maybe it's something volunteering. Maybe it's a career start that you really believe in. Maybe it's the love of a good woman.

This economy doesn't make things easy, either. When you're trying to do all the right things and you still can't find a decent job, it's really damned frustrating. Society measures us men in large part based on how financially successful we are. Things will get better. The media makes it sound like the end of the world, but this is really just a cyclical economy. If you can, try to remember this time when things are better and save up for the bad times, because there will be other bad times in your life, too.

You're 24 years old. You're a very young man. You can do almost anything with your life. If you want to be a doctor or a scientist or a lawyer or whatever you can imagine, you have plenty of time. I'd recommend making a five year plan. Figure out where you want to be when you're 29 and figure out how to get there. It sounds to me like you're a man who is good at setting goals and working toward them.

Stay away from drugs and alcohol. There are no answers there and you will lose years of your life with nothing to show for them. Take a hard look at your diet. Are you consuming a lot of powerful central nervous system stimulants that society treats casually? How much caffeine are you taking in? How about sugar? You might want to eliminate or minimize both of those. They both have cumulative effects that people don't talk about.

Do you exercise? I assume so, based on your physical changes. Do you find exercise relaxing? If your routine isn't helping, you might want to change it. Intense exercises like running and lifting weights can be over-stimulating instead of relaxing. Perhaps it would help to walk or swim or look into something like yoga or tai chi.

The most important thing, from my perspective, is for you to believe in yourself. You have to believe that you can make good choices. You also need to remember that you're human and that you can and will make mistakes. When that happens, it doesn't mean that you're worthless or that your abilities are questionable. It's just a mistake. Fix it, apologize, do what you have to do to put it behind you and move on.

The path is different for everyone, but I think you'll find your way. I wish you well.

[Itchybottom]

None of that shit matters dude. Maybe you're just wired for self loathing, maybe you're bi-polar, maybe you smoke too much cannabis. Accept it, be a dick, and know that it doesn't matter what you look like, who you are, we all end up in the same place and it doesn't make a difference if people hate you or mourn you when you're gone. The numbers in either direction don't mean a thing when you're worm chow (or ash.) Very few of us will even be remembered for more than two generations -- so do whatever the hell you want in life and forget the consequences; shape your world how you want it and to hell with the consequences.

Pills really don't work, but if you must try one I recommend Paxil. It has the best results over the years, and it can help premature ejaculation :p (which a lot of self loathing guys tend to have) It's not going to help you sleep though.

[purist]

inb4 the thread goes all Tony Robbins ... or has it already?

http://blogs.abcnews.com/photos/uncategorized/2009/05/05/nm_tony_robbins_090504_mn.jpg

[Bodeanicus]

"Very few of us will even be remembered for more than two generations -- so do whatever the hell you want in life and forget the consequences; shape your world how you want it and to hell with the consequences."

How wonderfully nihilistic. You're really Dick Cheney, aren't you?

[Dukat]

You're young, you're doing well in school. So you play a shit ton of EQ, so what, so do I. I think opening up yourself on R&F was somewhat ill-advised but I admire your courage. Keep your eyes on the prize, and don't listen to those silent whispers that tell you things that you know aren't true. Just the fact that you are aware of these issues inside you is an indication to me that someday you will overcome them.

[Itchybottom]

"Very few of us will even be remembered for more than two generations -- so do whatever the hell you want in life and forget the consequences; shape your world how you want it and to hell with the consequences."

How wonderfully nihilistic. You're really Dick Cheney, aren't you?

Chasing happiness != nihilistic. Regret is for the meek.

[Straif]

I think opening up yourself on R&F was somewhat ill-advised but I admire your courage.

I thought it was more of a rant and I don't think there is a better place than R&F to mimic real world sentiment and attitude. Also there's been a lot of half-ass posting, might as have a change of pace.

[Estu]

I would advise therapy but you said you're broke so I don't know to what extent that's viable. See if you can work something out, though; I think you'd find it helpful.

[Comfortably]

You still have time to do a lot of stuff.. your not even a third through your expected lifespan..

But in all seriousness.. maybe you should consider moving to a better place (miami is the asshole of the US). Austin is nice, especially for your age =P

[HippoNipple]

Life is all about balance. You can't over obsess at any aspect or it's hard to be truly happy. Everquest is a good escape, relieves some stress and is a lot of fun at times. Like you mentioned though, you aren't happy with your real life right now and you can't expect Everquest to fill those voids.

Do you want a family or career? You need to start working towards something so you are proud of what you do and feel fulfilled. Then with some extra time play Everquest instead of trying to define who you are through a game. If you are pissed about where you are at in real life then no matter what you are doing you will be short tempered.

You also mentioned that your family sucks, that is rough. I have always had a really supportive and loving family, but my fiance is the opposite. She realizes how bad it is now after becoming close to mine. If you start moving in the right direction and are happy with where you are at, you will be surrounded by the right people, it will come naturally.

Keep your head up, I wish you the best of luck.

[Overcast]

I would advise therapy but you said you're broke so I don't know to what extent that's viable. See if you can work something out, though; I think you'd find it helpful.

Yeah seriously. Lots of 'normal' people do that.

Well.. no one's really 'normal' I guess. We're all unique. You might have a ton of problems, but ..

Try to stay optimistic.

Get a flat tire? Never know - might have got in an accident up the road.

It does work, you just have to keep it relative.

Got both legs, both arms, all your senses, can get a job, etc, etc - doing better than many in those cases then.

That's how I look at things, of course - I believe in God too, flame if you must, but it makes me happy.

Don't stress about other assholes either, some dude cut you off? His problem, just 'chill' and listen to some tunes on the radio - you'll get there, get in the habit of always leaving a bit early. Reduces road stress by 250% if you aren't in a rush.

Die in a game? Oh well - I'm not in county lock-up, I'm not in the hospital and I'm not at work!

[thxer]

Don't take pills. You don't need drugs but don't be afraid to participate socially. That's your problem, you need to be social. Get involved in something 'out there' that you really enjoy. I went through this myself and I found I was able to break out of this once I ended up doing something well in front of a lot of people. Now I'm a rational, rage moderated dick and I'm happy about it. Chicks dig it too, accept that fact and stop judging yourself and roll with it. And when they drop those hints that you suspect are hints but don't take as hints 'cause you're a second guessing pussy, just put yourself out there and casually work with it! You won't be always right but once you get it right a couple of times you'll be fine!

I'll accept a few plat for my advice, thanks!

[Aarone]

I'm going to take you at face value and assume this isn't a troll. If it is, okay, haha, joke's on me.

It's really hell getting over childhood stuff. It might take you a long time, but realize that it's possible. You can change the way you think about things.

The path is different for everyone, but I think you'll find your way. I wish you well.

None of that shit matters dude. Maybe you're just wired for self loathing, maybe you're bi-polar, maybe you smoke too much cannabis. Accept it, be a dick, and know that it doesn't matter what you look like, who you are, we all end up in the same place and it doesn't make a difference if people hate you or mourn you when you're gone.

Needless to say, I'm with Alawen (no disrespect intended to the opposing point of view, of course).

I've got no wonderful words of wisdom to offer you, Straif, and anything I could offer would likely only seem banal. But there is truth in what Alawen offers. Reflect upon this: St. Augustine (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Augustine) once wrote that "the life not self-examined is a life not lived" - no matter how dark and difficult things may seem, it sounds to me, at least, that you're taking some steps on the right path. Continue them, and remember that, even on the cloudiest days, the human heart still knows where the sun shines from (go test it on the next rainy day - you'll find it's true).

Keep on walking, brother - you'll find the way.

[Daldolma]

At least you realize something's the matter. Some of these people are getting texted at 4am mid-week to take down an 11-year old raid encounter for the 6th time this month, and they think everything is going awesome in their lives.

Cheer up, you don't have any actual problems. Go chase some Cuban tail.

[Waldo73]

What helped me deal with some of my own issues as a young adult was to focus on the goals and dreams I had when I was a kid--as opposed to the social judgements and BS of high school and college.

A lot of personal self-loathing can be caused by pursuing goals that others have set, rather than what it is you truly want to do with your life.

If that fails, I highly recommend Celexa to treat the depression/anxiety combo. Additionally, consider getting your thyroid levels measured, especially if you have had any issues with appetite or weight. A malfunctioning thyroid can cause all sorts of behavioral difficulties even when life seems to be going well. Seeing a doctor in these types of situations never hurts, except on the balance sheet.

[Overcast]

What helped me deal with some of my own issues as a young adult was to focus on the goals and dreams I had when I was a kid--as opposed to the social judgements and BS of high school and college.


One day, just after road raging some - I thought Why the fuck am I letting some jerk-off make me miserable?

I still have some temper issues to deal with, but I don't blow up near as much as I used to, lol.

Everyone's got something to deal with..

[Zenlina]

Hmmm, just follow buddhism mate, simple.

When you angry you think to yourself, whats this gonna do for me, the answer is nothing except get you agitated.

When you worrying about stuff, you think to yourself, whats worrying gonna do for me, nothing, just gets you fustrated.

In the end its really up to the way you look at things, if you practice looking at things in a negative view then you always end up upset, so just need to find a way to look at it the other way.

And for those that gonna flame me for using religion in this, buddhism isnt really a religion, its more of a philosophy.

[OngorDrakan]

You're ONLY 24. You have a long life to live friend and a long time to make it your own, to balance it in a way to make you happy and not violent. You have lots of time to try to understand girls and why you get nervous/shakey hands around them. Everybody has their self issues, but you have to believe that if somebody wants your nuts, she wants your nuts.

Plus I love your paint jpgs. =D Have you ever considered getting a punching bag or taking up boxing?

[Theldios]

I have had your almost exact same problem in life I too was/am a rager at almost anything.I in the past year have turned to private prayer just thanking god for the patience to not get angry over the little things that used to set me off like a maniac. I make it a point to thank god everyday for the little things I over come by just biting my tounge or keeping quite or putting on a smile when inside i want to kill. It may not work for you but it sure has helped me.

[Seaweedpimp]

Boo fucking hoo.

"God" Doesnt help.

Quit whining.

[AexDestroy]

<----- Read It

[Abacab niggah]

I get through my depression by _____________

Fill in the blanks y'all

[eqdruid76]

I get through my depression by _____________

Fill in the blanks y'all

...watching Benny Hill reruns.

[Sigmastorm]

I lost 22 pounds in 2 months after quitting p99.

Stop being a pussy and take some action.

[Goobles]

Straif man, good call quitting EQ. It's the best thing you can do for your life atm. Develop a regular sleep pattern, join a softball league or something.. who cares if your team sucks, have a beer or two and just let loose. I fucking SUCKED for 11 of 13 games.. then I started drinking at the games... and I went 6/6 with 2 rbis. Should have been more like 4-5 rbis but my team sucked. Oh well, what can you do? Go bowling or something. Get a good job, love life... make good friends. Eat well. Don't do any drugs, and don't drink too much.. unless you're in good company.

Seriously man... it's a good life. Live it.

[fugazi]

Go for a walk every day or every other day, preferably without an mp3 player. It does wonders for the mind, plus it's good for you. If you find things stack up inside you and you can't put them on a shelf, start writing. Get some paper and a pen and start writing things down that bother you, issues you're struggling with and all that jazz. Pick it up a week or two later and you'll be amazed at how you will feel about what you've written down.

I dont need to write things 'off' of me, I can do it simply by talking with friends and family, but I know it's worked wonders for people who went through some really nasty situations.

[Polyphemous]

"I didn't have anything of value on P99 so I'm sorry I can't give any leet stuff away.
I wish you had put this in the beginning of your post, would have saved me a lot of reading.

[Japan]

New experiences will free you from all of this! Make a major change in your life.

"Major" is relative, of course, and you've got to figure it out yourself. Quitting EQ was a good step. Now find something you're absolutely terrified of (and shouldn't be) and do it. This might mean hiking the Appalachian Trail for 4 months, or it might mean getting the balls together to ask out some broad.

Eventually these new experiences will lose their newness, and you might find yourself slipping back to the same rut. Do it all over again. Living is never easy.

[Hasbinbad]

Down the road please, not across the tracks..
http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_krkeglxIru1qz4d4bo1_500.jpg

[Theldios]

Boo fucking hoo.

"God" Doesnt help.

Quit whining.

I'm sorry but who are you? some anon troll who thinks relating is a whine?
Wow you really have a reading comprehension problem don't ya.
Just because God does not work for you does not it does not work for others
you child are well just that a child so go out side and play and get away from daddy's computer before he beats you again.

[PhelanKA]

Gee... Those suicide jokes never get old do they...?

:rolleyes:

@OP - I wouldn't get help/advice from here. Get professional help or at the very least keep the Kodak moment shit to yourself. Quitting EQ and these forums would be an excellent start.

[Excision Rottun]

Fuck all these haters.

Take drugs.

Drink and smoke constantly.

Play like a champion, no regrets.

[Humwawa]

I feel like I wasted a lot of my life and I have to try and make up time but it feels like I'm not getting anywhere.

You're too young to have a midlife crisis. Eventually the enormous hormonal impulse to cram yourself into anything with tits will subside and then, my friend, the real existential horror begins. Good, good stuff is coming.

[mgellan]

I'm constantly tired, I get horrible sleep, I live most of days as if I'm dreaming / out of focus of the rest of the world. I'm either overly concerned with self image / other people / or being extremely frustrated, angry, or depressed. I need help. I don't know what to go, or where to turn. (I'm broke and my family isn't the greatest)

This (seriously) sounds like you are suffering from clinical depression. It can be fixed, and you really need to do something about it. Google it to understand the symptoms, find someone to talk to (if you're working, an employee assistance program can probably lead you to the right people.) Sometimes just understanding whats happening to you can begin the healing.

PM me if you want to chat.

Regards,
Mg

[Hasbinbad]

Good, good stuff is coming.
RoFL

[Straif]

Down the road please, not across the tracks..
http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_krkeglxIru1qz4d4bo1_500.jpg

I think this one is what you're looking for:
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/images/razor2.gif


I appreciate everyone's advice. I'd like to point out that I'm aware of the sobering realization that my problems are small compared to what others deal with. I'm more fortunate than I realize.

My main predicament is living in an environment which is poisonous to my goals / aspirations. I do have a loving family, but they're not known for communication, reinforcing any sort of structure or encouraging positive change. The one thing that's probably a common factor in my family tree is a short fuse. It takes effort and careful self examination to be a self-motivator. At times I become overly critical.

I slacked off in school, never gave the social scene much attention either. I jumped into college right after high school with something I thought I was happy with. I neglected the college experience and just worked 10 - 12 hour days up until about a year and a half ago. A couple friends had me coming up to stay at FAU and Florida State and I got a taste of the authentic college lifestyle (something that I'd be a fool to miss out on). During this same time I found something I was passionate about. It was from there my attention turned back to college full time.

My current surroundings are more detrimental than anything else. Anytime a change of scenery is introduced I feel more confident with myself. When something offers a challenge I find myself more prone to overcome and thus more fulfilled with life in general. Getting the fuck out from where I'm at, and settling away at school for a few years is more appealing to me than just about anything else. It's priority number one.

My infuriated behavior, anxiety and negative emotions draw from my insecurities as much as I can gather. My issue is that I'm aware of them, I see the problem, I aim to resolve it, but I become frustrated when my natural reaction(s) are ones I don't want. Like say you're afraid of heights and you take the step to immerse yourself in your fear in attempt to overcome it. My issue is sometimes I overcome it without any problem, and other times anxiety or anger is overwhelming EVEN THOUGH I'm consciously trying to fight it.

Again, I appreciate everyone's advice and the time you took to read my concern.

[fugazi]

Heh, imagine a world where everyone would take 5 minutes a day to listen to someone else.

;)

[Humwawa]

Hell is other people.

[Hasbinbad]

My main predicament is living in an environment which is poisonous to my goals / aspirations.
It's not your surroundings, it's you.
My current surroundings are more detrimental than anything else. Anytime a change of scenery is introduced I feel more confident with myself.
This is what I mean..

Whenever you change your environment, it offers you distraction, which allows you the same sort of escape that drugs allow some people. Once you become acclimated to each new environment, your real problems start setting in again, and you lose self-confidence or whatever, and spiral down again.

You have 4 options as I see it:
1.) Quit being a baby; get over it.
2.) Spend the rest of your life in therapy.
3.) See a psychiatrist and get on meds.
4.) Kill yourself.

Options 2-4 are for the weak hearted, and you don't strike me as that kind of person. Options 3 and 4 cost a lot of money, and you said you were broke, so I don't know if they apply to you. I recommend option 1.

[Hasbinbad]

3 and 4
2 and 3*

[Straif]

1.) Quit being a baby; get over it.


This is the obvious end result anyone in my situation would want.

But as I said, I'm conscious of it. I see the issue when it arises however I don't know why it does or how to resolve it.

ex: Any given situation I've been in a thousand times. 9/10: Perfectly fine. On that chance occasion I'm overwhelmed, I become jittery / anxious / angry / frustrated. I'm not a psychologist and or a doctor. Is there some environmental or subconscious trigger? It it all in my head or is it a chemical imbalance?

[Hasbinbad]

It it all in my head or is it a chemical imbalance?
That's not an either/or question..

Honestly, as long as you're able to perceive the issue without help, you're really the only one that can help you.

I recommend you snap out of it.

You're perfectly able to decide to change. Anyone who tells you different is probably in therapy or on meds. You need a healthy dose of "fuck people" in your diet, and you'll be all good.

..as far as being angry about shit.. ..there are some non-therapy-style skill building classes (anger management, but shop around first, a lot of them are touchy-feely bullshit) that might be of use to you. I have seen people go through that shit and retain who they are without being all aggro and shit, because they have specific mental tools they can use to mitigate their natural urges.

[Aarone]

ex: Any given situation I've been in a thousand times. 9/10: Perfectly fine. On that chance occasion I'm overwhelmed, I become jittery / anxious / angry / frustrated. I'm not a psychologist and or a doctor. Is there some environmental or subconscious trigger? It it all in my head or is it a chemical imbalance?

It's called being human - as a matter of fact, as far as being human goes, I say that if you're getting a 9/10 success rate, you're doing damn well.

No one can be perfect; you shouldn't expect yourself to be. It's not the falling down that matters, it's the standing back up.

[William_Munny15]

I know how you feel, I'm currently finishing up my masters in psychology, and I see alot of "mentally dead" people. I was never ridiculed or made fun of in school to your extent, and by no means was i the "popular" kid or the life of the party. You're still really young Straif, and even if you don't see yourself as "what you want to be" ask loved one's, and friends what makes them want to be around you, bet your suprised with what good qualities they talk about friend.

[Straif]

That's not an either/or question..

Honestly, as long as you're able to perceive the issue without help, you're really the only one that can help you.

I recommend you snap out of it.

You're perfectly able to decide to change. Anyone who tells you different is probably in therapy or on meds. You need a healthy dose of "fuck people" in your diet, and you'll be all good.

..as far as being angry about shit.. ..there are some non-therapy-style skill building classes (anger management, but shop around first, a lot of them are touchy-feely bullshit) that might be of use to you. I have seen people go through that shit and retain who they are without being all aggro and shit, because they have specific mental tools they can use to mitigate their natural urges.

To be honest with you the "fuck people" mentally is what drove me early on to focus on my personal goals. It worked well, I was literally the type of person to walk around with my fists clenched and my normal facial expression forged into a scowl. At some point I became desensitized, more than likely when people began to give me praise or acknowledgment. I always remained humble and tried to maintain that I had made progress but self-improvement isn't a destination it's a constant process of evolution. Those who stop improving simply decide to.

I've stagnated.

While my stern discipline and gruff demeanor helped me block out all the bullshit, it shunned away a lot of positive stuff as well. I need a balance. I was described a person people didn't find approachable. When I let my guard down and saw the other side I sort of became conflicted with whats right / wrong. In actuality... that's probably my issue right there, not focusing on what truly matters to me. Sort of what you've already said...

If the solution has never been to look in myself. How is it that I expect to find it anywhere else.

[Loquan]

Not trying to take anything away from you, but you need a fuckin shrink dude:eek:

[xorbier]

Don't forget

[Villide]

Dude, there are what, 7 billion people on this planet? That means there are tons of assholes. But by and large, they are still a vast minority to all the cool as fuck people you can and should be interacting with every day.

Avoiding real therapy is "macho 101" for most guys, but fuck that shit. Get yourself to a therapist, and work on some of this stuff. Don't say you'll do it tomorrow, or on Monday. Call someone right now, get started RIGHT NOW.

Self-loathing is a somewhat natural part of everyone's makeup in my opinion. But when it becomes what defines you, rather than just that small piece of doubt in your mind, you have to clean that shit up.

Ultimately, you are transposing your dislike of yourself onto the people in the world around you - most of whom either don't give two squirts of moose piss about you, or might find you to be a pretty fucking cool dude. And if they really do hate you because of what they see on the outside...well, they are in the minority and easily dismissed.

Forgive yourself for your shortcomings, don't assume what anyone else thinks of you, and get that therapy brother.

You're only 24 for god's sake, you could be the person you WANT to be by the time you turn 25...no doubt about it.

[PhelanKA]

Don't forget

The suicide jokes are fuckin played out. You don't look witty or funny when you pull em out of your bag of "lulz". You look unoriginal, stupid, and worthy of your own advice.

Fuck off.

Moving on....

After actually reading the OP I have to say that I can identify somewhat in his situation. The only difference is that I never let the negativity around me drag my spirit down or let it produce a chip on my shoulder. A lot of the anger i've had in my life has been a direct result of selfish, small, and narrow minded individuals that infest this world. When I was in my teens I wasn't wise enough to see this and these types of "emotional vampires" tend to gravitate towards those of us with principles and integrity. In my early twenties I finally recognized this and became proactive in eliminating these people from my life. Today I have a wife I love very much because we both know this simple but difficult-to-see truth.

Sometimes I imagine people look at how I speak and act and believe me to be a big fuckin asshole but the thing is that is that I despise these lowlife, wastes of human potential. I will call someone out and tell them that they're worthless. Maybe not with the greatest tact but I just call em how I see it. I've been told you can be too honest but I don't believe it for a second and I think that sort of thinking is the source of a lot of evil in the world. I'm just trying to make up for all the bullshit around me.

In short: Kick the negatively influential things and people in your life to the curb. Surround yourself with likeminded people. Sure it might be lonely at first but the more you work at it the more good people you will find and your life will be blessed for it. Once you're strong in this approach then you can come back to cesspools like the R&F forums and cuss the dumbfucks out and laugh about it all.

You seem to be a good guy, Straif and just looking for answers. I don't think you need professional help or need to stop questioning the bullshit in your life. Keep that perserverence up. It serves you well.

The End.

[kenzar]

The suicide jokes are fuckin played out.

You're fuckin' played out breh.
Enough of this self pity BS, if you are wanting to change, then do it. does it require a thread?

The end.

[xorbier]

The suicide jokes are fuckin played out. You don't look witty or funny when you pull em out of your bag of "lulz". You look unoriginal, stupid, and worthy of your own advice.

Fuck off.

Moving on....

After actually reading the OP I have to say that I can identify somewhat in his situation. The only difference is that I never let the negativity around me drag my spirit down or let it produce a chip on my shoulder. A lot of the anger i've had in my life has been a direct result of selfish, small, and narrow minded individuals that infest this world. When I was in my teens I wasn't wise enough to see this and these types of "emotional vampires" tend to gravitate towards those of us with principles and integrity. In my early twenties I finally recognized this and became proactive in eliminating these people from my life. Today I have a wife I love very much because we both know this simple but difficult-to-see truth.

Sometimes I imagine people look at how I speak and act and believe me to be a big fuckin asshole but the thing is that is that I despise these lowlife, wastes of human potential. I will call someone out and tell them that they're worthless. Maybe not with the greatest tact but I just call em how I see it. I've been told you can be too honest but I don't believe it for a second and I think that sort of thinking is the source of a lot of evil in the world. I'm just trying to make up for all the bullshit around me.

In short: Kick the negatively influential things and people in your life to the curb. Surround yourself with likeminded people. Sure it might be lonely at first but the more you work at it the more good people you will find and your life will be blessed for it. Once you're strong in this approach then you can come back to cesspools like the R&F forums and cuss the dumbfucks out and laugh about it all.

You seem to be a good guy, Straif and just looking for answers. I don't think you need professional help or need to stop questioning the bullshit in your life. Keep that perserverence up. It serves you well.

The End.

I read the first sentence! I deducted you found my picture funny!

[kenzar]

Dude, there are what, 7 billion people on this planet? That means there are tons of assholes

7 billion people = 7 billion assholes...unless someone has 2...

[Villide]

7 billion people = 7 billion assholes...unless someone has 2...
HAHHHAHAAAAAAAAAHAHAAAAA!!! You should go on the road, dude!

[PhelanKA]

You're fuckin' played out breh.
Enough of this self pity BS, if you are wanting to change, then do it. does it require a thread?

The end.

Being told I'm played out by someone that refers to me as "breh" and is defending jokes about suicide? You really put me in my place there. In thru the nose and out the mouth is my advice you stupid piece of shit. If you need to pick a few crusties outta your schnoz to make it happen, feel free. Just remember it's not food.

[Itchybottom]

CBT is pretty retarded, but it's really the only thing in psychiatry with enough non-correlation evidence to be conceived as real science. It doesn't work for everyone but it's a good foot forward. If it fails, at least you tried something. I'm sure there are plenty of low cost clinics in your area. Talk to your general practitioner (or any walk-in clinic) for a list. Just tell them you're bummed and you want to try to sort things out with proven methodology. Life is really all about putting one foot in the other, and moving forward. If you don't like something, keep walking. Life is too short to get anal retentive and upset about others' viewpoints. They can't hear your thoughts, they can't live your life, they can't give you practical advice in a situation because they don't have the skeletons in the closet you do. Go audit some group counseling sessions locally, listen to how they all use each other as a crutch, how admitting to having a problem somehow gives them a false sense of victory. People are kidding themselves if they're always happy and nothing phases them. Just most of us that are successful in life, put on a good show because we're taught that people prey on weakness and compete. Obsessing over positive and negative emotions and comparing yourself to others is self defeating.

I was raised Buddhist and followed the precepts for 17 years of my life, the only thing I kept from that experience is the breathing exercises. Perhaps you should give it a shot: Sit down, however you feel comfortable (Most Buddhists, and Aikido students sit in "seiza" -- no reason to discipline your body if the problem is the mind though), close your eyes. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for as long as it's comfortable, exhale through your mouth. Again, this time, think about the act of breathing. Envision just that, the air going in, and coming out for a while. Ponder the meaning (it's different for everyone), listen to the quiet. If you get an itch, think "Hmm, itch", realize the urge to scratch is just part of being alive. Ignore it if possible and just add it to your meditation, or scratch it, it really doesn't matter. The idea here is to just trigger a mental reset and exist in the present. After a while you're able to just breathe for a check out, that's when it's time to start thinking about other things. The breeze from a fan near by. The chirp of a bird, the honking of a horn. Just try to mentally image it all and find deeper meaning. Find things to appreciate about even the most annoying of noises.

Not all animals in a group are alike, though the human animal is generally considered to be a social one; not all of us are social. The people in this thread giving advice about how they fixed their problems by getting involved in something with others have just found a method to not constantly be lost in thought. It's all escapism, it's just been labelled as acceptable escapism in society. The key to life, though often stated moderation, is really just staying occupied and learning to have respect for individual thought. You don't have to agree with someone, or rage about some stupid fuck that has a retarded opinion on the matter (no matter how wrong it is), you just have to accept that it is their reality and not your own. Don't get caught up on making them see the truth, or how you're superior because you understand the truth, just co-exist and try to find common ground. Not all men are equal, but don't let that get in your way. Everyone has something in common, everyone has something to share to contribute to your experiences in life.

[PhelanKA]

CBT is pretty retarded, but it's really the only thing in psychiatry with enough non-correlation evidence to be conceived as real science. It doesn't work for everyone but it's a good foot forward. If it fails, at least you tried something. I'm sure there are plenty of low cost clinics in your area. Talk to your general practitioner (or any walk-in clinic) for a list. Just tell them you're bummed and you want to try to sort things out with proven methodology. Life is really all about putting one foot in the other, and moving forward. If you don't like something, keep walking. Life is too short to get anal retentive and upset about others' viewpoints. They can't hear your thoughts, they can't live your life, they can't give you practical advice in a situation because they don't have the skeletons in the closet you do. Go audit some group counseling sessions locally, listen to how they all use each other as a crutch, how admitting to having a problem somehow gives them a false sense of victory. People are kidding themselves if they're always happy and nothing phases them. Just most of us that are successful in life, put on a good show because we're taught that people prey on weakness and compete. Obsessing over positive and negative emotions and comparing yourself to others is self defeating.

I was raised Buddhist and followed the precepts for 17 years of my life, the only thing I kept from that experience is the breathing exercises. Perhaps you should give it a shot: Sit down, however you feel comfortable (Most Buddhists, and Aikido students sit in "seiza" -- no reason to discipline your body if the problem is the mind though), close your eyes. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for as long as it's comfortable, exhale through your mouth. Again, this time, think about the act of breathing. Envision just that, the air going in, and coming out for a while. Ponder the meaning (it's different for everyone), listen to the quiet. If you get an itch, think "Hmm, itch", realize the urge to scratch is just part of being alive. Ignore it if possible and just add it to your meditation, or scratch it, it really doesn't matter. The idea here is to just trigger a mental reset and exist in the present. After a while you're able to just breathe for a check out, that's when it's time to start thinking about other things. The breeze from a fan near by. The chirp of a bird, the honking of a horn. Just try to mentally image it all and find deeper meaning. Find things to appreciate about even the most annoying of noises.

Not all animals in a group are alike, though the human animal is generally considered to be a social one; not all of us are social. The people in this thread giving advice about how they fixed their problems by getting involved in something with others have just found a method to not constantly be lost in thought. It's all escapism, it's just been labelled as acceptable escapism in society. The key to life, though often stated moderation, is really just staying occupied and learning to have respect for individual thought. You don't have to agree with someone, or rage about some stupid fuck that has a retarded opinion on the matter (no matter how wrong it is), you just have to accept that it is their reality and not your own. Don't get caught up on making them see the truth, or how you're superior because you understand the truth, just co-exist and try to find common ground. Not all men are equal, but don't let that get in your way. Everyone has something in common, everyone has something to share to contribute to your experiences in life.

That's pretty good advice and I think there's probably a lot of truth in your words but as you said you were raised this way. As they say "It's easier said than done." If you're already an angry person meditation in the traditional sense I've found is very difficult.

[Spicy]

The key to life, though often stated moderation, is really just staying occupied and learning to have respect for individual thought. You don't have to agree with someone, or rage about some stupid fuck that has a retarded opinion on the matter (no matter how wrong it is), you just have to accept that it is their reality and not your own. Don't get caught up on making them see the truth, or how you're superior because you understand the truth, just co-exist and try to find common ground.

Well said. I really wish more people would grasp this frame of mind.

[PhelanKA]

Well said. I really wish more people would grasp this frame of mind.

Letting go of this expectation is what I believe Itchy is trying tell us is the first step on the road to happiness.

Ommmmmmm....

Ommmmmmm....

:D

[Hasbinbad]

To be honest with you the "fuck people" mentally is what drove me.. ..blah blah blah.
Hmm, when I think of "fuck people," I think less of a jaw-clenched, scowling sort of "fuck people," and more of a universal disdain for other people's likes, dislikes, and social norms. Kinda like.. Get in on the universal joke man. None of this external bullshit matters. Go read some Kierkegaard, and learn how to laugh at absurdity rather than getting hung up by it.

Some really smart guy probably once said "Don't sweat the small shit bro, and it's really all small shit."

Meditation is cool, education is cool, getting laid helps. Take a class in astronomy some time, and whenever you feel shitty, try thinking of what a billion years actually means..

Also, a blue-collar type anger-management class will help you develop tools (coping mechanisms, for those of you reading this who think you're amateur psychologists) to stop yourself from dwelling or acting on negative impulses (defense mechanisms, ya lil' Freuds).

Besides deep or focused breathing exercises (mentioned before - for good reason), one of mankind's best coping strategies, look up thought-stopping and distraction to start with IMO. They are fairly easy to implement, and from what I have seen in the clinical environment, fairly effective.

[PhelanKA]

Hmm, when I think of "fuck people," I think less of a jaw-clenched, scowling sort of "fuck people," and more of a universal disdain for other people's likes, dislikes, and social norms.

Hmm, and I think of trust fund babies livin it up in Ibiza

http://www.hotelchatter.com/files/3/hotel_es_vive_ibiza.jpg

[Spicy]

jungle fever grosses me out

[PhelanKA]

jungle fever grosses me out

The salt from your jealous tears gives me life.

[Hasbinbad]

jungle fever grosses me out
Inbred rednecks fucking their sisters creating more inbred rednecks grosses the rest of us out, but you still do it..

[Spicy]

you mad brew?

[Hasbinbad]

How do you circumcise Spicy?

..

.

..

.

..

..waaaait for iiiiit..

..

.

..

.

..

..waaaaaaaaaait for iiiiiiiiiittt..

..

.

..

.

..

..kick his sister in the chin!!

[Cyrano]

For as long as I can remember I've been VERY angry.

I grew up a fat kid, got ranked on and what not. Blistering self-hatred and a violent anger streak molded me into a very aggressive, brooding, and introverted person. In a sense it helped me somewhat: I built a reputation not to be fucked with by way of reacting to confrontation with violence, so I stopped getting ridiculed (to my face anyway). Years later a limitless self-loathing attitude drove me to change my physical appearance in a very positive way. I became extremely focused on my goals and found great success in the things I embarked on.

My biggest problem though is that I haven't been able to shed my negative mentality. I alienated myself from people over the years and because of that my social experiences have suffered greatly. Regardless of my physical transformation, from a psychological point of view I still maintain probably the lowest level of self body image one can conceive. I'm overly critical of everything I do and how I look. When I go places I'm constantly in the mind set of "everyone is out to get me / judge me".

I have made considerable progress but inevitably I fall back to square one. I'm very eager to get involved and meet new people but at certain times I feel a great amount of pressure when in social situations. From what I understand the longer a person spends away from social interaction the harder it is for one to develop normal social skills. Recently I began experiencing panic attacks (I think? shortness of breath, increased heart rate, trembling voice, hands shaking). I've thrown away countless sexual encounters because I put women on a pedestal and convince myself "No, I'm ugly, fat, a bad person, etc". This issue is compounded when I caught flack for it by my peers consistently, "Why didn't you fuck Jenny? Shes been talking about you for weeks on end bro, shes been going out of her way to get you to herself"

It seems everything pushes my buttons. Turn on the news: /rage. Walk outside and see someone glowering at me: /rage. Dying to a skeleton at level 2 in EQ: /rage. There is no release. I try to relax but nothing brings me to my center. Some people suggest pot & alcohol and as much as I'm opposed to turning to substances to mask a more serious issue EVEN THOSE don't work.

I feel like I wasted a lot of my life and I have to try and make up time but it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. The people I do meet and become friendly with often want me to compromise myself. I live in South Florida (Miami specifically), one of the rudest cities in America. Our cultural mixing pot breeds some of the most arrogant assholes on the face of the earth. (I.E. I witnessed a father laugh when he son of maybe 8 - 9 years old spit on a homeless man... I'm dead serious). I know not every human being is like this but many people down here are aware of shit like that and thus turn to spiteful people as well.

I'm constantly tired, I get horrible sleep, I live most of days as if I'm dreaming / out of focus of the rest of the world. I'm either overly concerned with self image / other people / or being extremely frustrated, angry, or depressed. I need help. I don't know what to go, or where to turn. (I'm broke and my family isn't the greatest)

Everquest isn't going to rehab me. It's a great escape but I think I need to really get my shit together. I had a good run... in 1999. If I accomplished something worthwhile than I wouldn't say I'm a fuck up but in all honesty I wasted so much time being a temperamental fat kid on EQ pissing away my youth. I just turned 24 and I feel like an enormous fuck up, regardless of having a stellar return in college.

I didn't have anything of value on P99 so I'm sorry I can't give any leet stuff away. If anyone thinks they can offer me some beneficial advice, I'm all ears.

I posted this in R&F because someone recently made light of people being so furious in forums and in game. Honestly.. in the world in general. I just wanted to remind everyone there are real people behind computer screens. We should all aim to be nicer to others, and be the change we want to see in the world.

Take it easy gang, it's been real.

Take that rage and become a plaintiff's attorney.

[Loquan]

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT_Me9JnlYinOAACU9_ApPtb_lQbwES9 E5qFXXYpwtFVeYCbQM&t=1&usg=__gEO6K70Z1QLK9Z_KxEUDjb88VKY=

[Straif]

Small update... been searching for a local therapist / psychologist, everyone wants an insane amount of $$$ just to see you for the first time.

Anyone know of a search engine that will track down local therapy groups / etc?

[xorbier]

Small update... been searching for a local therapist / psychologist, everyone wants an insane amount of $$$ just to see you for the first time.

Anyone know of a search engine that will track down local therapy groups / etc?

I think it's cool you're so open about the issue and actively seeking advice. Much respect.

I'd ask around and look online. I will preface this by saying I'm not religious but there are many "christian" or other religious group councilors that will charge significantly less money (usually half of the normal rate) while being as qualified as the regular therapists. And they do not add their religious views! I'm not a religious person and at one point in my life I did use one of these councilors for at the time there was no way I could afford the regular rate that the majority of them charged. At no point did the dude bring up religion which I appreciated.

Good luck man!

[Pabruzzese99]

@OP - I wouldn't get help/advice from here. Get professional help or at the very least keep the Kodak moment shit to yourself. Quitting EQ and these forums would be an excellent start.

Couldn't agree more. MMO players, including myself, are inherently greedy, narcisistic, exhaustingly judgemental (internet anonymity to blame for that) and more-often-than-not, have a false, transparent sense of authority on what's best for other people.

Get as far away from these assholes and shitbags, and get to a professional if you want a fighting chance.

[jenga]

EQ was one of the best games to rage at back in the day, and I'm sure that's why most of us are still here on P99 because secretly we all love to do the shit that makes us and others rage!

We're all pretty f'd up.

[SkullThrone]

I know how you feel bro...I really do. I was never overweight in really any way, good physique etc not upset with my appearance - on the contrary, I'm better looking than 95% of most men out there - It'd be too vain to say Im the better out of all of em, but I got no girl to show for - I mean thats what looks could be for ...right? (just from my own point of view, but my youth is withering, I feel it go now, EQ was 11 yrs ago..I played on Rallos now and then)...but I can connect with you on a very deep level, and though I read your post months back, and never responded, I did indeed as well play my share of EQ back in the day I was a PK...its something I have seen once more with the EMU, but in my case, I just feel like my youth is slowly withering...

I hear you loud and clear my friend on the part where you said about that girl how you just threw the chance you had with her away...oh my god, I hear that so clearly - I always managed to get caged up in some regret over this, and the problem is similar to yours man, expect for the fact that I know I am great looking and a really good, fun, down to earth and decent guy and confidence is not an issue - so many chances.. but I ignored it within and tempered myself into thinking that it doesnt matter, or they could just go with someone else just as easily...or, what the hell do they want with me...or..they have their own priorities they go their own way anyway or...Im always alone anyway, and its been so long whats the point -- its a depressing thought. At least take some confidence you aren't like me and hitting the big 3 o and still a virgin. Oh you can take your buddhist points of view, thats nice, feel calm and everything is right - but when it comes down to it...thats a lot of life with no love, especially when your pretty adequate and a raging sex beast to boot with no outlet - hard times with no prison but the cage that surrounds me. But you really touched on several feelings with that post I can totally 100% mega connect with, especially that one, believe me I really can if no one else that sees this can....

Thats terrible and pitiful people can even think of doing such things to others in what was it? Miami? ...

It's an even harder life when you have every single girl staring at you, and you cant do a Godamn thing about it...it'll shred you up in no time. I beat myself daily (not that way - heh, not always) mentally over it, and it boils me down within a little more with each passing day, just the whips and scorns of my own time that Im having a hard time finding ease in with this whole thing...its almost akin to..just an end of things...this whole being..but I take to extremes -- and its my fault because I know when (if ever, as I say Im just getting older and withering faster, or I feel as if it is that way) the next time anything female tries to step forward I will say something under my breath like..."ehy" and when she actually gives some silly number I got this whole self-loathing speel I have to just spill out when if it ever comes...been at least a decade since one that had any meaning to me offered one, heh.. funny thing is, I just bought a cellphone..will never use it, but its like god is throwing numbers at me because it is the easiest gdamn number in the whole world to remember - as if this force is mocking me or telling me hey its an easy number to remember, maybe you have some better chance...I dont know like you said man....the longer it is away from all the aspects of close sociality the stranger or weirder it is to get back into it...I had really great friends but those times are gone, and man, I dont know what to say, but I really wish I could send some kinda blessing to you, because Im all out of hope and shadowed over with all this - then again it could just turn into another man's curse, and damn no one deserves this...great person, nothing to show for..its the mentality of the compartmentalized megapolis..but I dont know, it is also not so great location even though it is pretty busy.

I always liked the comment someone made on this youtube video with that song by Sponge called Plowed:


"Alright, here is my interpretation. I'm firing from the hip here. To see wide open with a head that's broken = some negative experience has broadened the perspective of the speaker Hang a life on some tragedy = The mind opening experience is the fulcrum on which the speaker's life is balanced. ? Plow me under the ground that covers the message that is the seed = The speaker cannot surmount his troubles, but he will leave behind a message that might become something better."


That hit home for me, just the interpretation of the lyrics..so ya I dont know what to do anymore - doesnt matter what ya look like, who you are what you have how great of a person you may be..if there's no opportunity its like you cant squeeze blood from a stone, just how it is...for me at least. Im all over too, but oh well like they say in tibetan buddhism, a human life is a very rare thing with regards to the whole essence of incarnations and reincarnates etc...I absolutely love who I am but sometimes I scroll up within a secret death wish - funny thing is, I never felt that way when the youth is most succeptible to it, you know like in high school and such...had a great time then. Sad thing bein trapped in such a great body, great person, great attributes, ethics good takes and jokes and laughs and personalities on things, remembering how much of a good kid you mighta been..and then end up with nobody ever with ya. But its like even as if, every man is an island... dont let your anger get to you, work on what you can change try not to worry about what you cant..


Also, a.......very long time ago, when I was in the Nektulos Forest, (which I joined later to have a chance to fight the biggest guild on the server after I got forsaken) there was a certain....Necromancer....his name was Shadowmancer... after he had killed players here and there, and he said: "There is no EQ anonymous" being it all dark and such and crossing over the bridge it kinda stuck with me...its true...and it is pretty much a solo thing involved with others, and I guess it could even be extended to life itself, seeing everything else in such a way from our own characters pov...what is there to simply confide in within these realms.

Oh I got too involved with this post...I'll end it, but ya I hear you man I really do- best times to you, with the possible unexplored greatness of the unknown ahead..take care of yourself.

[Hasbinbad]

I know how you feel bro...I really do. I was never overweight in really any way, good physique etc not upset with my appearance - on the contrary, I'm better looking than 95% of most men out there - It'd be too vain to say Im the better out of all of em, but I got no girl to show for - I mean thats what looks could be for ...right? (just from my own point of view, but my youth is withering, I feel it go now, EQ was 11 yrs ago..I played on Rallos now and then)...but I can connect with you on a very deep level, and though I read your post months back, and never responded, I did indeed as well play my share of EQ back in the day I was a PK...its something I have seen once more with the EMU, but in my case, I just feel like my youth is slowly withering...

I hear you loud and clear my friend on the part where you said about that girl how you just threw the chance you had with her away...oh my god, I hear that so clearly - I always managed to get caged up in some regret over this, and the problem is similar to yours man, expect for the fact that I know I am great looking and a really good, fun, down to earth and decent guy and confidence is not an issue - so many chances.. but I ignored it within and tempered myself into thinking that it doesnt matter, or they could just go with someone else just as easily...or, what the hell do they want with me...or..they have their own priorities they go their own way anyway or...Im always alone anyway, and its been so long whats the point -- its a depressing thought. At least take some confidence you aren't like me and hitting the big 3 o and still a virgin. Oh you can take your buddhist points of view, thats nice, feel calm and everything is right - but when it comes down to it...thats a lot of life with no love, especially when your pretty adequate and a raging sex beast to boot with no outlet - hard times with no prison but the cage that surrounds me. But you really touched on several feelings with that post I can totally 100% mega connect with, especially that one, believe me I really can if no one else that sees this can....

Thats terrible and pitiful people can even think of doing such things to others in what was it? Miami? ...

It's an even harder life when you have every single girl staring at you, and you cant do a Godamn thing about it...it'll shred you up in no time. I beat myself daily (not that way - heh, not always) mentally over it, and it boils me down within a little more with each passing day, just the whips and scorns of my own time that Im having a hard time finding ease in with this whole thing...its almost akin to..just an end of things...this whole being..but I take to extremes -- and its my fault because I know when (if ever, as I say Im just getting older and withering faster, or I feel as if it is that way) the next time anything female tries to step forward I will say something under my breath like..."ehy" and when she actually gives some silly number I got this whole self-loathing speel I have to just spill out when if it ever comes...been at least a decade since one that had any meaning to me offered one, heh.. funny thing is, I just bought a cellphone..will never use it, but its like god is throwing numbers at me because it is the easiest gdamn number in the whole world to remember - as if this force is mocking me or telling me hey its an easy number to remember, maybe you have some better chance...I dont know like you said man....the longer it is away from all the aspects of close sociality the stranger or weirder it is to get back into it...I had really great friends but those times are gone, and man, I dont know what to say, but I really wish I could send some kinda blessing to you, because Im all out of hope and shadowed over with all this - then again it could just turn into another man's curse, and damn no one deserves this...great person, nothing to show for..its the mentality of the compartmentalized megapolis..but I dont know, it is also not so great location even though it is pretty busy.

I always liked the comment someone made on this youtube video with that song by Sponge called Plowed:


"Alright, here is my interpretation. I'm firing from the hip here. To see wide open with a head that's broken = some negative experience has broadened the perspective of the speaker Hang a life on some tragedy = The mind opening experience is the fulcrum on which the speaker's life is balanced. ? Plow me under the ground that covers the message that is the seed = The speaker cannot surmount his troubles, but he will leave behind a message that might become something better."


That hit home for me, just the interpretation of the lyrics..so ya I dont know what to do anymore - doesnt matter what ya look like, who you are what you have how great of a person you may be..if there's no opportunity its like you cant squeeze blood from a stone, just how it is...for me at least. Im all over too, but oh well like they say in tibetan buddhism, a human life is a very rare thing with regards to the whole essence of incarnations and reincarnates etc...I absolutely love who I am but sometimes I scroll up within a secret death wish - funny thing is, I never felt that way when the youth is most succeptible to it, you know like in high school and such...had a great time then. Sad thing bein trapped in such a great body, great person, great attributes, ethics good takes and jokes and laughs and personalities on things, remembering how much of a good kid you mighta been..and then end up with nobody ever with ya. But its like even as if, every man is an island... dont let your anger get to you, work on what you can change try not to worry about what you cant..


Also, a.......very long time ago, when I was in the Nektulos Forest, (which I joined later to have a chance to fight the biggest guild on the server after I got forsaken) there was a certain....Necromancer....his name was Shadowmancer... after he had killed players here and there, and he said: "There is no EQ anonymous" being it all dark and such and crossing over the bridge it kinda stuck with me...its true...and it is pretty much a solo thing involved with others, and I guess it could even be extended to life itself, seeing everything else in such a way from our own characters pov...what is there to simply confide in within these realms.

Oh I got too involved with this post...I'll end it, but ya I hear you man I really do- best times to you, with the possible unexplored greatness of the unknown ahead..take care of yourself.
You're gay.

[Serith]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqR_SwwByMM

:)

[Daymar]

Straif,

Life is a struggle, It's what you do with it that makes it worthwhile.
^I just made that up :D

I grew up in a unhealthy environment and made some bad choices. In highschool I had no friends so I dropped out trying to fill that and got into a heavily drug influenced circle and was dating a girl who ripped my heart out. The years following were very tough but it is what it is. I learned from my mistakes and try to make the best of my future.

R&F is not the best choice to be sharing so much and looking for help but you seem like a smart dude and handle it well. I think Alawen and Aarone probably gave you the best advice here. You are human therefore perfection will be a continuous endeavor so the self-loathing has got to stop. Find therapy, a church, a place of "belonging" a woman who believes in you, something to shake off that mindset. Drugs and alcohol are counter productive and suicide is never an alternative.
Shame on the people who suggested such a thing!

You noticed some personal habits you were not happy with and you chose to improve yourself. Congratulations, you have a conscience. This is what sets you apart from the degrading side of society! I applaud you man. You are on the right track bro so don't fret so much. PM me on here and we can exchange emails.

~ Matt

[Hasbinbad]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqR_SwwByMM

:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9iiU6NDxIo

[SkullThrone]

Far from it, just more passionate than you.

[SkullThrone]

It doesnt create any margin of doubt within me "Hasbinbad", in fact you likely see it as me being a direct competitor that would wipe the floor with you, in any regard. Perhaps I projected from a place you're foreign with, and that's a good thing, you couldn't handle it, but over the years I'm stronger for it even though that possible time is gone. Judging from your simple minded posts, your just an foolish ignorant fly who wallows as a victim of himself (won't say what I could be referring to about you here) and a very weak foe I could kill with one hand.

Can agree with this though..
Chasing happiness != nihilistic. Regret is for the meek.

[Ihealyou]

Hey Straif! Remember that post you made 3 months ago? It'll work out! Stay positive bro!! Don't let the haters get to you!!!