I thought this was worth publicly sharing. *big ego trigger warning*

[magnetaress]

I was. Not anymore. Spent first half of my life with Innoruuk as my actual irl diety.

A lot of people confuse that with racism or sexism..and I had some of that. Just like everyone does. My hate transcended those petty things even nationalism.

Working on the self hate. Trying my best to help those poor souls without exceptionalism. Without angelic grace.

I still struggle with it. It's why I hate myself. More than any body parts or social roles I was given. I'll let you know if I learn how to stop hating all together. It seems baked into my DNA... before thinking my first impulse is sometimes hateful. Sometimes predatory even. Like a reflex to snap my jaws shut around something. I've learned a great deal of patience...to not act. I've lucked out. A lot. I secluded myself. I tried even altering my body. DNA. Physiology. I've learned how to help myself in a crisis sometimes. And how sometimes to head it off. I've made myself proud in being kind irl when I have had the opportunity to strike death blows to those who where not exceptional. I have had a lot of help and support a long the way. Probably would have failed without good people to guide the way and watch over me. And without angels looking out for me.

I still struggle and fight every day. And while I will never be exceptional. I will never cease and I will die fighting this hate. Within myself. And maybe incidentally without. The best is being able to put ones self in anothers shoes. Even when you know whole heartedly how absolutely wrong it is. That obviously doesn't mean supporting them. Or backing them entirely. You may still hurt someone even if you can do that. May you never have to live or die by that knowledge.

There's a show. And on that show is a poor guy with his cat. Living in the street off the charity of others.. He would be easy to hate. Easy to misunderstand. Even by his own tribe. His own people. The man is far from exceptional. Far from perfect. Broken. He is my hero right now. He's a fiction in my universe.

I would rather be that. Then Hitler 2.0 or whatever transgender or queer version of that monster we could collectively conjure from the broken neglected lives and quantum foam of our reality.

Even though I am still one of the good people. I understand completely what it takes to be a mass murderer. I'm tired though. Tired of trying to talk about it. I used to. And I never wanted to be. I doubt very much most wake up one day and say "oh- hey this is what I want to be...do today..."

I think we are just the way we are. And sometimes some of us never get the opportunity to be the people we really want to be.

--- in reply to vvvv

Originally Posted by pink grapefruit

Idk wym full of hate. You don’t seem hateful to me, other than the self-hate that’s sadly kinda normalized these days. And the internalized transphobia.

Seemed benign enough to share.