I thought this was worth publicly sharing. *big ego trigger warning*

[magnetaress]

I was. Not anymore. Spent first half of my life with Innoruuk as my actual irl diety.

A lot of people confuse that with racism or sexism..and I had some of that. Just like everyone does. My hate transcended those petty things even nationalism.

Working on the self hate. Trying my best to help those poor souls without exceptionalism. Without angelic grace.

I still struggle with it. It's why I hate myself. More than any body parts or social roles I was given. I'll let you know if I learn how to stop hating all together. It seems baked into my DNA... before thinking my first impulse is sometimes hateful. Sometimes predatory even. Like a reflex to snap my jaws shut around something. I've learned a great deal of patience...to not act. I've lucked out. A lot. I secluded myself. I tried even altering my body. DNA. Physiology. I've learned how to help myself in a crisis sometimes. And how sometimes to head it off. I've made myself proud in being kind irl when I have had the opportunity to strike death blows to those who where not exceptional. I have had a lot of help and support a long the way. Probably would have failed without good people to guide the way and watch over me. And without angels looking out for me.

I still struggle and fight every day. And while I will never be exceptional. I will never cease and I will die fighting this hate. Within myself. And maybe incidentally without. The best is being able to put ones self in anothers shoes. Even when you know whole heartedly how absolutely wrong it is. That obviously doesn't mean supporting them. Or backing them entirely. You may still hurt someone even if you can do that. May you never have to live or die by that knowledge.

There's a show. And on that show is a poor guy with his cat. Living in the street off the charity of others.. He would be easy to hate. Easy to misunderstand. Even by his own tribe. His own people. The man is far from exceptional. Far from perfect. Broken. He is my hero right now. He's a fiction in my universe.

I would rather be that. Then Hitler 2.0 or whatever transgender or queer version of that monster we could collectively conjure from the broken neglected lives and quantum foam of our reality.

Even though I am still one of the good people. I understand completely what it takes to be a mass murderer. I'm tired though. Tired of trying to talk about it. I used to. And I never wanted to be. I doubt very much most wake up one day and say "oh- hey this is what I want to be...do today..."

I think we are just the way we are. And sometimes some of us never get the opportunity to be the people we really want to be.

--- in reply to vvvv

Originally Posted by pink grapefruit

Idk wym full of hate. You don’t seem hateful to me, other than the self-hate that’s sadly kinda normalized these days. And the internalized transphobia.

Seemed benign enough to share.

[Cecily]

Sending you love. As for the self-hate.. try forgiving yourself.

[magnetaress]

I'll be ok. Didn't really post for myself.

I'm getting better at forgiveness. Good advice.

[pink grapefruit]

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friendly reminder that you matter <3

[Ekco]

Bing's chat GPT response

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with self-hate. It’s great that you’re working on it and trying to help others. It’s important to remember that everyone has their own struggles and it’s okay to ask for help. You’re not alone in this. If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here for you.��

i’m glad you have a hero to look up to, even if he’s fictional. Sometimes we need stories to inspire us and give us hope. I agree that we are just the way we are, but we can also change and grow. We can learn from our mistakes and try to be better. We can also forgive ourselves and others for being human. You don’t have to be exceptional or perfect to be worthy of love and respect. You just have to be yourself.��

[magnetaress]

We can also forgive ourselves and others for being human.
-chat GPT

This is worth it lol.

yeah i have help - and when things get to bad again i'll just check myself in and let them know i'm decomponsated or whatever i'm not going to go into details there [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

like i said its not about me tho i'm fine been doinpretty well folks !

thanks for E-caring )

[Topgunben]

Clev/star/mag.

You’ve been a good forum poster full of positivity since I’ve been active on here. It does pain me to think you are trodden down by such thoughts. It’s hard for me to put myself in your shoes, because it’s too far outside what I can comprehend. It’s like asking me to imagine giving birth.

I say a lot of hateful things against Trans and the Trans community. Rarely for the luls but mostly because I hate how the community just asks people to go further down into the abyss rather than actually helping them. And maybe we even differ on that approach as well. I do genuinely want young boys to grow into manhood feeling confident with themselves. That’s why I also am so much against porn, even though it’s highly enticing. It really is a detriment to young boys minds.

But I also realize that you and many others have had very unstable upbringings. It’s a tall order for me to say that my side has all the answers, because even if we do, the answers might seem impossible. I just seriously hate the idea of a 10 year old boy that gets coerced into modifying his body into something more feminine because he feels like he isn’t the “man” he is seeing in all these pornos and social media. It’s like seriously fuck all that. I think the people that are openly pushing for someone to transition are typically at the end of the road that has been paved by evil egotistical pieces of shit that have been warping young kids minds for years, maybe decades.

[Topgunben]

Originally Posted by Cecily [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

I found out what a transsexual was by reading the dictionary when I was 9 or 10. I could make a joke about books being the problem, but really 9 year old me could comprehend and relate to oh there's a word for how I've felt my entire life.


Also god dammit. Not getting into this.

Sure. But how many figurative brick layers were paving the way for you to get a fucked up mind? (Seriously no offense intended). That’s what I was trying to get at, the people at the end of the road make up like 5% of all the shit that’s really going on. Abusive parents, siblings, peers, toxic media, bad food, the list goes on and on.

I’m not saying the Mormons have everything right, but in their law of health, the main reason they don’t drink or smoke is not because it’s unhealthy, albeit it is unhealthy, it’s because evil men conspire against people to entrap them.

I don’t think we truly realize how big the cabal is that is trying to entrap, weaken and manipulate the younger generation.

[Topgunben]

Originally Posted by Cecily [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]

You're starting this conversation with the assumption you're speaking to someone with "a fucked up mind." No further dialogue necessary.

Transgenders have fucked up minds. That’s a fact.

[magnetaress]

Thread wasn't supposed to be about transitioning at all.

Sometimes we want to be good people. Underneath all that can dwell the kind of scary stuff of fairytale and Everquest ghouldom. :queues ghoul . soundfile:

Still appreciate the kind words from everyone. And I recognize Topgunben is being a nice guy. He just wants me to be ok.

This shit can happen to anyone. Anyone can go through it. I want ppl to know they aren’t alone in fighting the good fight. The struggle. Doesn't matter who you are.

All good folks. We cool. Shades on [You must be logged in to view images. Log in or Register.]