[Maelstrom]

Had to revive this thread....too funny! Here is one from a random EQ board:

Everquest ruined my life - Sgt. Duke's story

6 hours left... I'll pass the time with another stupid popo story. Kinda long --

MMORPGs are taking over the world.

After serving on the 5th floor (maximum security wing) of the Lafayette Parish Correctional Center for probably 2 years, I was finally transferred to Intake / Booking. It was like going from shoveling shit to spreading fertilizer, not much different, but still more prestigious. Although I was still under command of the housing division, I now had a couple of new supervisers to deal with. One of them was Sgt. Jason Duke.

Imagine the guy in high school who had long hair and headbanged to Metallica all day. He had that funny walk, half limp / half pimp. Take that guy and give him a military style crew-cut and throw on a pair of boot camp-style glasses and you have my sergeant. He was probably 6'2", 180 lbs. when soaked. He didn't look like much, but he could kick your ass in a heartbeat.

Before becoming a cop, he'd been a car stereo installer at Ricky Smith Audio. He had some kind of degree in electrical work from a small technical college. He even built his own computers, buying individual parts off the net or in catalogs. (sure, not a big deal for Uber users... but a cop?) I'm also pretty sure he had some kind of ATI fetish because he would actually get mad at me when I talked about my old GeForce.

Somehow the topic of Sony's 'Everquest' came up one day... that was one can of worms I should have fucking left closed.

Sgt. Duke didn't stop talking about his level 79 (or whatever the fuck) Half-Elf Ranger for the next two years. I played once a week, at most, but this guy was on every fucking night. If we worked shift from 6a-6p, he was on by 7:30. He was into it, bad. When he was at work, his wife played. I'm not sure if they even had actual sex anymore, or if they just emoted it.

One night at around 3:45am we had a black female, about 24 years old, come in on a prostitution charge. The city officer who brought her in had used OC on her (pepper spray) and she was really riled up. I was finishing up a basic medical screening on her when Sgt. Duke came and sat next to me. He started the process of collecting property.

"Ma'am, you are going to have to remove your rings."

She just looked at him.

"Ma'am, you need to remove your rings, you are not allowed to take them into the holding cell."

"Fuck you ***** I ain't takin off shit!" So, she was a sweetheart. Time to have some fun...

"Ma'am, if you'd like I can get you some hand lotion to help remove the rings, but I can't allow you to enter the cell with anything of value." I explained this as calmly as I could.

"Bitch, I don't need no fuckin lotion I ain't takin this shit off." I started to see why she got sprayed.

I figured we could get to the rings after she calmed down a bit, so I moved on to the next step; signing the medical release (which only stated that whatever she told me about her medical history was in her best knowledge truthful).

Sgt. Duke was still sitting next to me at this point, positioned in between myself and the female, who was now refusing to sign the paperwork.

"I ain't signin that shit ***** I ain't did shit!"

By this point I was pretty pissed off. "Ma'am, this is not an admission of guilt, this is just your medical screening. If you don't sign this we can't complete your booking and you are going to sit it that holding cell until you sign it. You can't bond out, you can't use the phone, and you are gonna eat shitty bag lunches. I don't care if you stay in there for a week, you are going to sign this paper."

I stood up and handed her medical screening form to the clerk behind the barred windows next to me. "Stamp this 'incomplete' and tell the judge she is refusing to be processed."

With the mention of the word 'judge', our fiesty black friend jumped up and reached for the paper, attempting to grab it out of my hand. Sgt. Duke and his half-elf ranger to the rescue...

With lightning speed, he stood up and grabbed her by the arm, yanking her away from me and towards the wall. "Don't you EVER raise your hand to one of my deputies!" he yelled at her as he brought her hands behind her back and tugged her towards the property room sink. I shook the amazement off of my face and rushed towards them, grabbing her by the arm to keep Sgt. Duke from slamming her into another wall.

"And you are GOING to take these rings off, or I'm going to CUT them off!" He frantically turned the faucet on and scrubbed her hands with soap, working the rings off in the process.

I could have sworn I saw him smiling.

With the rings off, he practically dragged her back to the screening table and sat her down in the seat. "Are you gonna sign this paper or not?"

"Yeah. Fuck." she said, accepting the pen from my sergeant and scribbling her name on the form. He escorted her to the cell and slammed the door behind her.

"What the fuck was that sarge?" I asked, unsuccesfully trying to hide my laughter.

"I lost my +52 Dragonskin breastplate last night, and I can't find one at the bazaar." He was dead fucking serious.

I lost it. I stumbled down the hallway, tears streaming from my eyes, laughing hysterically. Drunken inmates were watching me through the plastic windows, dumbstruck. Sgt. Duke could never figure out why I was laughing.

Fast forward two years... This morning I'm sitting at my desk auditing yesterday's shipping charges when my manager comes over to shoot the bull.

"How was your weekend?" he asked me, staring down at his nails.

"OK I guess, why?"

"I bought a computer game for my kid for Easter, but I haven't given it to him yet, I've been playing it all weekend. I think I'm going to buy him another copy and give it to him for his birthday."

"You spent all weekend playing a computer game you bought for your son?" My head was filled with questions until he laid my mind to rest with four simple words:

"Ever heard of Everquest?"