Until somewhat recently, airlines required you to turn off electronic devices once the airplane doors closed. Most everyone hated this rule, myself included. That rule has been lifted by most airlines now. Last year I really regretted that they did...
So there I was. Starting a business trip, getting ready to board an airplane. I must briefly explain that my wife likes to purchase music online, and it's stored in the cloud. I normally don't pay much attention. Except when I travel. Because when you've flown hundreds of times, it's extremely boring. My routine is I like to kick back and listen to music during the flight. So while waiting at the airport gate, I will always sync my smartphone to Amazon, and download the music she's bought. Then I have new tunes to listen to during the flight, which is awesome.
Ever heard of a group called "Straight No Chaser"? They cover other band's songs, but they sing it completely a capella. They're similar to Pentatonix. Anyhow, they're absolutely brilliant and I like their style. I notice my wife has downloaded their latest album. And I'm like "Sweet! This is going to be great to hear the newest songs!"
So fast forward I board the plane, the usual stuff. I'm in the aisle seat. No sense getting comfortable. Someone will almost certainly be sitting next to me, which means standing up and allowing them in. So I chill, read the airline magazine, whatever. But the airplane doors close, and wow...looks like no one next to me?! This flight is going to be so comfortable!
The captain makes an announcement, and the flight attendants begin giving the usual safety briefing.
At that moment, tiny data bytes finish travelling over the airwaves. My phone is done downloading the album. And decides to just play the music. Right here. Right now.
My earbuds are not on. They're in my backpack.
My phone begins blasting, at maximum volume, the first song from the download. Which happens to be a cover version of ... "Let It Go". The signature song from the Disney movie Frozen. Yeah. Of course. Turns out that's song #1 on the download.
And the flight attendant is midway through her safety briefing.
I instantly go into shock and panic, my face probably turning various shades of red. My phone is screaming out the perfectly covered lyrics. After I come to my senses, I immediately start jamming the volume button on my phone, to turn it down.
Nothing happens.
I freak out, and keep smashing the volume button. Nothing. I try to use the touchscreen to stop the song. Nothing! I try to do anything. Nothing happens!!! My phone is locked up, not responding, but blaring throughout the airplane a smooth and beautiful a capella version of "Let It Go" from Frozen. At 100 billion decibels. From my seat on the plane.
My earbuds are buried somewhere in my backpack. I don't know where. I don't think I can afford to rustle around and find them. Because everyone within 15 rows is staring at me. Remember, no one next to me in that window seat? They know *exactly* what complete idiot is rocking Disney music from his phone. On a plane on the ground. While the flight attendance is talking about oxygen and flotation devices. I'm not sure what my face looks like, but I'm sure it was completely amazing.
Volume not working, song not stopping, no headphones easily accessible, and phone locked up. Acting entirely on instinct, I do the only thing that comes to mind. I take my phone. And shove it under my ass. I sit on it just as hard as I can. Trying to muffle the sound. It's better! But not good enough. I crush down harder, gripping the phone firmly with my butt cheeks, in a desperate last-ditch effort to cease this nightmare.
It works. Mostly. I can still hear the music, but it's much quieter. *Maybe* the people in front of me can hear. But it's a temporary respite. The engines roar to life, which helps even more! I can finally think and see straight. Enough to consider whether the plane will land before the battery in my phone dies.
Meanwhile, reverberating through my colon and rectum. "Let It Go...Let It Go!" "Can't hold it back anymore!"
I'd better hold it back! I've got 1 hour until landing. After a while (which feels like hours) I deduce that if I'm very careful...I can slide a finger under my ass. Try to feel for the power button on my phone. Hold it down. And see if the phone will turn off. Please, please work.
I wiggle and squirm. The volume increases slightly as I try this ass-trick, but it WORKS!! The phone turns off! I'm so relieved.
And yet horribly, terribly embarrassed and ashamed. I pull my baseball cap over my eyes and pretend to sleep. But never do. I don't touch my phone, I don't grab my earbuds. I remain....well....Frozen. The plane eventually lands. I stay in my seat and feign sleep. I wait for everyone to get up and leave. And I'm the last one off the plane. As I exit, I pretend to be extremely preoccupied with my backpack and not look any flight attendants in the eye.
Ever since that day, I hook earbuds into my phone *before* entering any airport! The whole time. And they stay hooked in until I leave. Whether I'm listening to music and using my phone, or not. Because I know that phone gremlin is in there, waiting, hoping to embarrass me with another teen Disney anthem....
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