Straif,
Life is a struggle, It's what you do with it that makes it worthwhile.
^I just made that up
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I grew up in a unhealthy environment and made some bad choices. In highschool I had no friends so I dropped out trying to fill that and got into a heavily drug influenced circle and was dating a girl who ripped my heart out. The years following were very tough but it is what it is. I learned from my mistakes and try to make the best of my future.
R&F is not the best choice to be sharing so much and looking for help but you seem like a smart dude and handle it well. I think Alawen and Aarone probably gave you the best advice here. You
are human therefore perfection will be a continuous endeavor so the self-loathing has got to stop. Find therapy, a church, a place of "belonging" a woman who believes in you,
something to shake off that mindset. Drugs and alcohol are counter productive and suicide is never an alternative.
Shame on the people who suggested such a thing!
You noticed some personal habits you were not happy with and you chose to improve yourself. Congratulations, you have a conscience. This is what sets you apart from the degrading side of society! I applaud you man. You are on the right track bro so don't fret so much. PM me on here and we can exchange emails.
~ Matt