Grundwald Gunderson: The Legendary Dwarf
 

Greetings, Project 1999 guild leaders! Today is a very momentous occasion for you and I’m certain that you’ll remember this day for the rest of your lives. Today, Grundwald Gunderson is accepting applications from any guild who wants the HONOUR of housing Everquest’s greatest personality.

First, let me tell you a little about the enigma that is Grundwald. I play about two times a month in which time, I generally sit in the East Commonlands tunnel and either wander off and do other stuff, completely forgetting that I have the game running, complain about the things that bothered me that day (which is usually everything), bother people, backflip and run around in circles, resurrect someone or position the game camera next to an almost naked elf and masturbate.

Now you may be asking yourself, what I can do for your guild? Well, that’s pretty selfish of you. I will maintain at least a 0.0000001% raid attendance rate and will stay for at least 15 minutes into the raids which I do attend. I will also use profanity often, especially when there are children around and make sexual advances on any player which I suspect to be female. If I feel like it, I may resurrect guild members for a reduced fee, but I will complain the whole time and imply that I’m being taken advantage of. As for groups, I don’t. Adventuring is for the poor and lonely, I’ve made enough money to retire on and will not risk my neck for you or anyone else.
Now I’m sure you’re wondering how you can get your guild tag under the famous Grundwald “Grumpy” Gunderson’s name tag, well that’s simple! Just fill out this application or write a 2,000 word essay on why you think you deserve me.

APPLICATION:

1. Do you like dwarves? List 3 reasons why or why not.

2. What do you think are my 5 best qualities and why?

3. What do you expect of me as a guild member?

4. Do you actually expect me to do any of those things?

5. When you die, and want a resurrection, is it generally in an easy to access location? Don’t lie, I’ll know if you do.

6. Are you okay about knowing my masturbation habits? Explain your answer.

7. Write a short poem about how handsome I am.

8. Is your guild chat really interesting enough for me?

9. List the character names, levels and equipment of all your guild members.

10. Give me one good reason why I’d want to be in your crummy guild anyways.

11. Would you consider bribing me? If so, how much?

12. Write a short list of your greatest fears and weaknesses.

13. What is best in life?

Good luck to all the applicants, I look forward to making your guild more prestigious and exciting!

-Grundwald “Grumpy” Gunderson

If only I were a guild leader :(

^

The Order doesn't actually exist yet (or does it?) but I'll play along.

1. The bones from dwarf skeletons work just as well as any. Gebeker, Zontik, and Jarerer agree.

2. If I thought you had any good qualities you wouldn't be hearing from me.

3. Don't lapse into strange gibberish about other worlds, or you'll be bound and gagged.

4. Be bound and gagged? Not willingly. It's always more fun when they squirm.

5. ... want a resurrection? What in the world for??

6. I'm always interested in knowing when my peons are most vulnerable.

7. There once was a stumpy named Grumpy
Whos rumpy was dumpy and lumpy.
He met a death knight.
She gave him a fright.

... Hey, come back! I haven't finished yet!

8. You sound like one who enjoys his own echo.

9. That's easy. Here's a complete list of all existing members to date.

10. I care as much about your contributions as you do about mine.

11. I can offer some Dwarf Chops. They're my favorite, so consider it an honor.

12.

13. Death. As one who profits from it, I'm sure you'll agree.

Here's my essay. I doubt it's 2,000 words, but every syllable is worth more than anything coming out of that hole in your face.

- Vellatri, Knight of the Temple of the Dead

Wrong!

To crush your enemies, see them drive before you, and here the lamentations of their women.

this is hilarious bro )

Can we get this stickied please? Also I will fill out the app later. You sound like flawless victory material. If they don't make the cut I will make my own guild and reapply.

P.s. this made me lol in the bathroom stall at work.

^ this. From the great words of master barbarian Conan.

I'll admit, this answer is difficult to deny. I'll drink to that.

Had to fix my own quote. /facepalm