Why do cable companies always completely suck forever?
 

Spectrum internet informed me that they would be sending me a FREE new cable modem, which is also mandatory to use beginning at the end of the month. I installed it. It immediately sucks and is riddled with problems that my 10+yr old cable modem did not exhibit, in the exact same house with all the same wires and shit.

They informed me that the purpose of this new modem is to allow me to *continue* to enjoy the same great service I always have!

I live in a rural area without a nearby cell tower, so I depend on the wired cable connection to even be able to use my cell phone to call somebody in an emergency. Why do cable companies absolutely *always* reem you up the ass in every imaginable way? Why did southpark have to make an episode specifically about cable companies getting sexual gratification in the form of rubbing their nipples from their customers' bad experiences? Why is this such a ubiquitous thing??

Good luck troubleshooting it on google, btw. There isn't even a model number on the modem. There's a sticker with a mac address and the word SPECTRUM on it and that's all.

I completely hate everything forever.

that 10 year old modem didn't have the hard coded spyware to route all your internet traffic to NSA servers

so obviously they had to fix that

Also what the hell does "boost your signal" mean? What?? Isn't it just a signal that is either on or off?

Oh, you can "boost" my signal at no extra cost?? Then just fuckin do it in the first place. It's like that seinfeld joke about airplane speeds. If you *can* go faster, just go as fast as you can, cause that's what I paid for, you absolute goofuses.

Comcast moved Mariners to their priciest package. Thanks Comcast.

Can't wait for every RSN to go bellyup...maybe not the SEC.

What provider\hardware do the sweatiest fte racers use? Does it require some kind of gym-size computer like from the 70s?

The manual has helpfully informed me that when the "online" light is solid white, my internet is only operating at "normal speed". But when it's blue, it's operating at "high speed".

My previous modem only had one light and it was always on and always fast. What the fuck?

Another M's fan?!
Although, to be fair, haven't been much interested in mlb since the rule changes. Not unlike what happened with EQ and why I play p99 vs live.
Get off my lawn young wippersnappers ect ect

10/10 A+ S tier post OP

Normally I would entertain the most paranoid explanation cause that's my normal MO but this smacks of everyone in the chain of command just sucking at like every possible aspect of rolling out this new piece of shit modem.

I miss land lines.

https://i.imgur.com/nleYEmJ.png

This is what it looks like btw. It weighs about 1 ounce. I want to smash this thing with a baseball bat so bad.