Project 1999 - Better Powergamer's Guide To P1999

If your goal is to feel good by acquiring EverQuest pixels 16 years after the fact, this guide is for you. This guide assumes the following:

Willingness to play 100 hours per week
Large supply of glass jars and Chef Boyardee
Near 0 social skills, functioning Aspergers
Ability to read and comprehend wiki guides

Step 1: Race/Class Choice
I think there is only one choice here, Halfling Cleric. This will be slightly harder to level than say a Necromancer, but raiding guilds always need more cleric slaves. The min/max choice is halfling so you get hide and sneak and an xp bonus.

Step 2: Level to 52
You have two options here. First, you can follow the cleric solo guide of your fellow berger Swish. This won't be fast, but since you rolled Halfling Cleric you can AFK hide between undead nukes and box the EC mule you are running with the IP exemption you got for your 'brother'. Second, once you hit L20ish you can start doing /w all enchanter X Y in your level range and duo with them. The number trick is to stun the pet whenever charm breaks; this alone will put you above most cleric duo partners and as long as you can minimize your bergers you should level quickly.

Step 3: Join BDA
Your next step is to join the guild BDA. They will take your app since you are a cleric and your low social skills will blend in as long as you agree with everything Chest says ("We are the best guild on the server, we only fail because we don't like zerg poopsocking, god vegas is awesome, ginger hair best hair, small R guilds were abusing the rotation, corkies are cute, etc"). Try to keep good raid attendance and once you are FM (should be like 1 week for a vaguely competent cleric) you can probably get some decent HOT gear.

Step 4: Chardok
Set your alarm for 4AM ET and get there early. Make sure you understand EXACTLY what a cleric needs to do, suck the appropriate dicks, and after a week or two of 16 hours per day of Chardok you should be L60. Then you can start selling 'Chardok Proxy' at 2k per pull. Your targets are a full set of resist gear, reaper, OT hammer, any HOT armor you didn't get from BDA, a Hierophant's Cloak, Wort Potions, and if you really like Chardok some Vibrating Gauntlets and a BCG.

Step 5: Apply Aftermath
Aftermath is the slightly more competent raiding extension of BDA. First, switch your schedule to Asian/Euro time and sleep during the day. This will make you more valuable since you will play during non-zerg hours, and you'll have less competition for items so you can win with less DKP. Second, make sure to track at least 15 hours per week (this is what the glass jars are for; no one likes a casual scrub who misses raid pops due to bodily functions). This combined with your choice of Cleric will guarantee your full membership (let's be honest, this would work for Awakened too).

Step 6: Gloat
Post on the forums about how casuals are all socialist scum (this is the real reason why you apped Aftermath not Awakened. Even though Awakened gets more kills, what is the point if you can't RNF about it?). Sit in the EC tunnel and periodically spam 'Selling all gear on me for cheap' then lol when people inspect all your no-drop raid gear.

Step 7: Roll an Alt
Aka step 1, except without the Halfling Cleric part.

Conclusion
I hope everyone enjoyed reading this, and that it helped JurisDictum further his troll education. The sad thing about this post is that this method would actually work really well :( I think a completely new player could be a FM in either A/A within 2 months following this.