How do I get a patent?
 

I came up with the best fucking idea ever.

no

I am sure it depends on what you're trying to get a patent for, but I'd recommend google

patent lawyer. lots of red tape.

^ That.

Write it down and mail the idea to yourself.

Sorry... placing a single blank sheet of paper in a copier to seemingly produce infinite quantities of blank sheets of paper to sell in bulk has already been claimed by me, good sir.

That's copyright, and not even necessary.

I invented the knork, its a fork but the outside tines are sharpened to a razer sharpness so you can use the fork on its side to cut food. Trying to collaborate with the inventory of the spork to make a 3-in-1 utensil, but they keep blowing me off.

Do a patent/prior art search first. These run anywhere from $300-$1000 dollars depending on how in depth you want to go and the complexity of the invention.

The drafting of the patent application and filing runs anywhere from $2500-$20000, again depending on the field and complexity of the invention. If you are an individual you will have reduced filing fees as a small or micro entity.

The US is a first to file system now, so if you think you have something find a local patent lawyer and see him sooner rather than later. Any notebooks, drawings, sketches or anything of that nature be sure to keep in a safe place and turn them over to your attorney for copying to include in the file. Having a complete idea + alternative embodiments/methods written down and fully described will help you immensely when it comes time for your attorney to prepare the application and claims.

Once filed, the applications are generally taking 14-24 months for a patent examiner to even look at it, again depending on the field of invention. Responding to office actions generally run anywhere from $1000-5000, depending on the complexity of the rejections and any necessary amendments.