Breakfast I

[skarlorn]

https://i.imgur.com/bYkdqZP.jpg

Filbus Furyfoot was a halfling with many names. He didn't brag, but he was called the Protector of Rivervale, the Lord of the Thicket. He had given up his estates to found Rivervale City and allowed free elections to install Mayor Gubbin. But as wonderful as his pedigree, Filbus found greater joy in his breakfast that morning.

Filbus ate an entire steak and a potato scrambled in eggs and duck fat, then he patted Yola on the rump. He belched. Four pots of tea, a cup of jumjuice, a buttercream tasty, and a breath mint later, he finally turned to look at the Leatherfoot Army plan of attack.

Filbus stifled a yawn. He turned from the map and made series of underhanded and stinging remarks towards Yola until she left the room.

"I'm just abusing her because we have Conquered Neriak, and I have slain the Dragons, conquered the Commonlands, and there is not much more for me to do really; Llandris swore his life to Rivervale and there is not much more you can ask for than a Deathtouching Hobbit. So it is okay that I am abusive to her right now," thought Filbus.

It was true. He was bored. He was the Protector of the Vale, but it no longer needed protecting.

And if he sat around idly much longer, he would either get heavy into the Jum or kill someone with his bare hands.

Then, the nightmares would begin.

Filbus sat at the table, his breakfast suddenly mud in the pit of his rotund belly. He sat there in silence, fearing the peace... fearing that the screams would return. The last thing Filbus saw was the nice little egg spoon Yola had laid out for him that morning.

That was when the Gnomish explosives detonated in his hobbit hole.

[Muggens]

Oooooh!

[Lulz~Sect]

I stopped reading after the well drawn crude map

Kudos

[Canelek]

Love it!

[d3r14k]

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!? Don't leave us hanging. Are Filbus' treasures still safe in the vault? Is Yola OK? Are there any more steak and potatos left for the wood elves!? We spend a lot of time in Rivervale too, you know.

[Lhancelot]

Is Hobbithole his butt or mouth? I need to know this detail to draw a better conclusion as to what happened please elaborate on this.

Plus, Filbus needs to work on his spelling, it is "sheriff" not "sherrif" ffs. Dumb halfling needs to do more reading and less pillaging/raping/torturing/killing.

He's a nasty little halfling whatever happened he deserves it and more tbh. (Hoping Yola stuffed his food with explosives that morning blowing his guts all over RV.)

**Nice map. I like the simple patrol area with four arrows lol.

[Raavak]

I hope Filbus didn't die after hitting <ENTER>.

I'm sure the East Commonlands Tunnel Mafia is responsible, because if a leatherfoot sherrif patrols there they cannot continue to make their business.

[d3r14k]

He's a nasty little halfling whatever happened he deserves it and more tbh. (Hoping Yola stuffed his food with explosives that morning blowing his guts all over RV.)

[Videri]

I find it hard to love a character who mistreats someone close to him. Just me.

Not a matter of opinion, however: Misty Thicket is west of Rivervale, Runnyeye is west of the Thicket, and the Gorge is west of Runnyeye.

[maskedmelon]

I find it hard to love a character who mistreats someone close to him. Just me.

Not a matter of opinion, however: Misty Thicket is west of Rivervale, Runnyeye is west of the Thicket, and the Gorge is west of Runnyeye.

he's just frustrated. he's a warrior, you know, and one of zek at that. fight in' is in his spirit and he ain't suited to sittin idly. i spose it is worrying though. i mean, neither food nor flesh can quench a thirst for blood :c

[skarlorn]

The map was drawn by Pancho Fourtwenty, Filbus and Yolas illegitimate child. I actually cut a paragraph of text discussing Pancho's horrible map making skills. He got the job only because of Filbus's influence with the Leatherfoot. His son's incompetence and lack of proper education are a constant source of sorrow of Filbus, who lamented in the unedited Breakfast 1 that he had married the dwarf Grumphilda and that their union did not yield any "fermented cum Babies" was the exact word choice.

[fadetree]

Hmm I detect a competition.

[Lulz~Sect]

L2navigat chump 😏

https://i.imgur.com/4VLJBwF_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=Large

[Lulz~Sect]

https://i.imgur.com/bYkdqZP.jpg

😬

[Raavak]

I actually cut a paragraph of text discussing Pancho's horrible map making skills.I'm thinking his Sense Heading skill is about nil as well.

[skarlorn]

L2navigat chump 😏

https://i.imgur.com/4VLJBwF_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=Large

dude NOT classiq OMG

also pancho fourtwenty drew that map late at night after a big day and a big bowl of heavy indica ok so cut him a little slack omg

[Videri]

Is Hobbithole his butt or mouth?

LOL

[skarlorn]

Filbus did not wake up in the cool nook of the Thicket where he lived. He found himself supine and bleeding on a coarse, pale yellow sand.

"Yola?" Filbus said.

He had probably taken a little over 1k damage from the gnomish explosives and was hurt badly. He had forgotten his armor and turban in the bank, so he was just wearing a nice casual wool vest with dragonpearl eye buttons and his finest pair of corduroy pants. He needed to find Yola.

What he found under the ruined wall was not Yola. Suffice to say, it was Sadness.

He needed to find his armor. He needed to get his WARRIOR EPIC out of the bank. Then, it would be time to kill whoever did this.

Filbus Furyfoot left the ruins and journeyed south. There were craggy rocks and long corridors of pale sand that he had to traverse. As he traveled he tried to recall Yola's face on the blood moon seed-sowing party where he had met her. He discovered he could not conjure images in his mind anymore. Instead, all he saw was a golden handwriting that looked like this...

https://i.imgur.com/dT1TseC.jpg

It was not long before he met a group of Erudites.

"Ah," Filbus thought, "I will fetch a ride with these Erudite wizards and go to the Faydark where I can claim my subpar velious raid armor and warrior epics."

Unfortunately, the Erudites were not wizards. They were nomads. Nomads riding on the back of a HUGE earth elemental with four rubber wheels and a glass screen. They were also carrying Kalashnikov's, but Filbus could not understand that.

Yes, Filbus was in the Middle East.

He took a breath and put up his fists in his best Fool's Gold Fu stance. He would not let these PKers take him out just like that!

And the jeep with 4 Erudites bore down on him in wrath and Filbus realized all too late that he had expected dervs but gotten High Priest and Mages. Those AK-47s they held were huge DD bolt firing wands and the jeep elemental took out 10% of his remaining hp in a single go. The Erudites were screaming now.

Filbus roared into a berzerker rage and but before he could die to the jeep elemental's mighty wheels, a squadron of arrows smote three of the Erudites. Then a lightning blast took out the jeep elemental and the lone survivor.

Human rangers and druids! Filbus had been saved!

The guild of Humans approached the halfling on their Hummer Elementals. When they arrived, Filbus demanded, "You must take me to the bank so I may get my weapons and armor and find out who killed my Yola in a sabotage bombing."

"Saboteurs?" asked one of the Human Druids. He wore a cool set of black chitin shell glasses and held a hollow round staff with a scope on it. "Oh, you must be talking about Les Saboteurs.. they are French Renegades from 1795 fighting against all forms of Monarchy in Norrath. They like to plant c4-explosives in the homes of lordly halflings and blow them up during their breakfast."

Filbus nodded wisely. "So you're telling me that wood elves did this?"

"yes exactly" confided the United States Marine with the bazooka.

"I'll need you to take me to their zone and sneak me into the bank," said Filbus.

"Of course," the Human Druid named Wieed began, "but first you will need to bring me 10 [erudite turbans.]"

Filbus agreed to the deal and then had his second breakfast at 9:00 AM sharp. He feasted on MREs and fizzy sugar crystals. He tried to think of Yola but instead all he saw were the maddening scribbles of golden light. He closed his mind to that and equipped his M2 Browning .50 Caliber Machine Gun in one hand.

It was going to be a good day.

[hyejin]

i read that 1

[Lhancelot]

he's just frustrated. he's a warrior, you know, and one of zek at that.

This is a falsehood Filbus wishes was truth.

Sadly when Filbus was formed, his creator left him as agnostic. I think his internal frustrations sprout from this very fact.

Filbus is constantly acting out his eternal rage on enemies and friends alike, a rage that is created from the frustration of never being able to be what he wants to be, a true warrior of the one and only God of War, Rallos Zek himself.

Imagine slaying countless foes, all for nothing but oneself and other primal creatures desires while those of Rallos Zek slay for the praise and recognition of the one and only Rallos Zek?

Such is The pain of Filbus.

[skarlorn]

ur on track here lhance gj

[d3r14k]

My stock in this thread dropped drastically when you insinuated that wood elves may in any way be involved with terrorism.

[Evia]

My stock in this thread dropped drastically when you insinuated that wood elves may in any way be involved with terrorism.

didn't take kindly either

[Raavak]

He closed his mind to that and equipped his M2 Browning .50 Caliber Machine Gun in one hand.
Not Classic. There is no way he has the stamina/endurance to equip and use that in that way.

[d3r14k]

didn't take kindly either

[maskedmelon]

in case you kindly deniers missed it, he suggested they was french too.

[Lhancelot]

in case you kindly deniers missed it, he suggested they was french too.

Wood elves > french I guess? :(

[d3r14k]

Wood elves > french I guess? :(

Why not both?

[skarlorn]

yes wood elves are the French of norrath. i'm sorry if this is triggering to you. While the human druid did suggest that the french elves planted the c4 explosives, it remains to be seen whether or not this is true. stay tooned 4 the vindication or retribution of ur favored race.

[skarlorn]

deriak has it spot on. tat is preciesly it

[Lhancelot]

Continue.

[d3r14k]

Continue.

/agree

[skarlorn]

Filbus flew into the Charles de Gaul airport. At customs, the wood elf officer looked him up and down.

"Passport?" the the customs elf requested.

Filbus showed the elf his Key to Veeshan's Peak.

"Wow lol, how much have you played this game?" said the French customs officer. He cringed at the halfling. "You may pass..."

The halfling warlord exited Charles de Gaul airport and stepped into the Greater Faydark. He had finally made it! It only took him a couple hours to grind out 10 Erudite turbans so he was already out of the Middle East.

There were lots of airplanes coming in and out of the forested wizard spire, so Filbus headed directly towards Kelethin. He just needed his weapons and armor. Then he could turn on the wood elves and KILL.

Filbus immediately got lost in the Faydark. When he realized he was lost, he sat down and ate a Luncheon of cucumber sandwiches with a pork pie seasoned with the salty tears of his haters. Then he drank a quart of Jumjuice as well as two pints of beer. He burped.

That was when the earth elemental appeared. Unlike the jeep and hummer elementals he had seen in earlier, this was a normal earth elemental. Only, it was autistic.

"pathetic gear scrub," mocked the autistic earth elemental.

"well I must get to the bank," Filbus belched.

"sorry, i struggle with human emotion," the elemental replied wearily.

"What?"

The autistic elemental was too anxious to respond. He mumbled something about cucking BDA and then handed Filbus a pill. "Take that pill," suggested the earth elemental. "Master... um, Master Yael made it for you. It's a calcium pill to make your dick grow bigger."

"Perfect," Filbus thought and he ate the pill immediately.

---

He made it to the bank. When he filed to withdraw his warrior epics and bags filled with artefacts and wonders, the French banker stopped him. The banker said, "You have filled out the date wrong on your slip."

Indeed. Filbus had thought it was Mondas, but rather it was Weytag. He scratched his belly and corrected the date.

Then he went outside and stripped naked on the platform. He equipped his subpar velious raid gear and epics and went a-killin'!

https://i.imgur.com/cUE4GUW.jpg

Behind the trees, in the shadows, lurked the autistic earth elemental.

[kjs86z]

Your immersion has me immersed.

[d3r14k]

In the screenshot:

Filbus: I notice you look young
Filbus: Take this sword and kill yourself with it

You tried to hide your generosity, but I FOUND IT. Attempting to mask the fact that you're a good person by mistreating Yola (and Lhance, har har), general short and prickly temperament, and gluttony via endless consumption of meats, cheeses, and alcohols... I see through your guise.

[Jazzy]

Is OP the guy who talks shit on red forums?

Unrecognisable

[fadetree]

Is OP the guy who talks shit on red forums?

Unrecognisable

? Isn't that all of them?

[Lhancelot]

In the screenshot:

Filbus: I notice you look young
Filbus: Take this sword and kill yourself with it

You tried to hide your generosity, but I FOUND IT. Attempting to mask the fact that you're a good person by mistreating Yola (and Lhance, har har), general short and prickly temperament, and gluttony via endless consumption of meats, cheeses, and alcohols... I see through your guise.

Astute. Very Astute, Deriak.

Maybe too astute...

*watches back closely*

[skarlorn]

I will not stand for the wood elf corruption!

[Lulz~Sect]

Way to ruin your own lands

[d3r14k]

Skarlorn, is this how this story ends? With the slaying of my people in their home city? The senseless murder of Merchant Nildar!? He doesn't put up shop outside of the bank for fun, he does it to support his family (nestled in the quiet corner in random Kelethin wood elven hut #8). If so, expect a retaliation thread and immediate wood elf mobilizaton against Rivervale with gruesome photos of slain halflings.

[Lhancelot]

Skarlorn, is this how this story ends? With the slaying of my people in their home city? The senseless murder of Merchant Nildar!? He doesn't put up shop outside of the bank for fun, he does it to support his family (nestled in the quiet corner in random Kelethin wood elven hut #8). If so, expect a retaliation thread and immediate wood elf mobilizaton against Rivervale with gruesome photos of slain halflings.

Nildar already is dealing with enough...

Nildar waits with a heavy heart for the return of his long lost brother who was kidnapped and taken as a slave into the mines of Crushbone. Word has reached Nildar of the most atrocious acts rendered upon his brother in those mines by the orc slavers...

For a halfling to walk into the city of the wood elves and randomly start attacking Nildar of all elves is beyond egregious. Death, not punishment is the only appropriate course of action here for the offender Filbus.


Filbus is an abomination. He is a warrior with no direction, no deity to guide him proper. Nothing in his life worth living for, even his own people secretly despise him and his awfulness behind his back.

Someone or some THING needs to obliterate this monstrous, blasphemous little beast that calls himself Filbus.

Rise up Kelethin. Destroy Filbus.

[skarlorn]

praise Rallos Zek

(more 2 come soon i have bene busy)

[Lhancelot]

praise Rallos Zek

(more 2 come soon i have bene busy)

Reroll Filbus. It's the only way.

[skarlorn]

Lord Filbus Furyfoot rested his enchanted sword blade on the pathetic neck of the wood elf.

"I have come for your people," he said. His cute hobbit voice was brassy and muffled beneath his custom velious plate helm. "Who tried to kill me in Yola's home?"

The wood elf sobbed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Holding the hilt of his sword, Filbus calmly drew his right arm back in a smooth motion and cut halfway through the neck of the wood elf. A sheet of blood sprayed up. Filbus backed away. Another sheet.

He felt a little queasy. Oh.

He had almost forgot his afternoon tea!

Filbus hailed Rallos Zek and like always, the deity did not respond. Once, Filbus had been favored by Rallos Zek, just as he had been favored by Bristlebane before that.

Why had Rallos abandoned him? He had brought war to the evil elves of the forest. Was that not the will of War?

Filbus reclined on a cushioned seat with velvet violet lining. The lamplight gloated over him. He thought of Yola. Saw her press into the dirt of her grave. Ah, nevermore!

Suddenly he spat his tea all over the place. What was he doing, having a rest and a snack? Yola's murders were still out there!

The autistic earth elemental appeared. "You have done well killing these innocent elves but you are still a failure and a cuck," it said.

"Hail, an earth elemental."

"Do you want to know who killed Yola?" the elemental asked.

The Greater Faydark forest went silent. Filbus Furyfoot, the halfling Warlord who had single-handedly defeated both the Goblin King and Lord Pickclaw rose from his cushioned seat. "You will tell me, if you are a [friend] to Rivervale," he threatened.

https://i.imgur.com/GXLlNEW.jpg

"I will tell you, but don't expect a lot of emotive expression from me because I am an autistic," commented the earth elemental. It paused and looked flatly at Filbus.

"Is this a cliff hanger?" Wondered Filbus. "Perhaps this is a logical point at which to stop the narrative."

The earth elemental said, said, "Okay, I will tell you now.

"Merchant Weaolanae is an upstart Baker in Kelethin who is envious of Yola's baking prowess. You know how dangerous bakers can get. Weaolanae rigged the gnomish explosives around Yola's hobbit hole and then blasted you two good. Now she reigns supreme as the importer of the most eaten Faydark Batwing Crunchie in Antonica. Basically, that means she's fronting in your turf, you feel?"

Filbus lurched forward, "where is this btich i wiLL kill her"

"You can't just kill her any old way," goaded the autistic earth elemental.

"What do you mean? She is wood elf scum. It should be easy enough to kill her in a non-patriarchal way," said Filbus.

The earth elemental shook his head. "Your God would not approve of that."

The hobbit was electrified. Rallos? Watching him NOW?

"You must rig gnomish explosives around Waeolana, the Yola of Kelethin's, tree hut. Then you will detonate them and she shall be Shreked. If you do not do this you will be Chosen as the Prodigal Cuck. You have been warned." The earth elemental turned and threw himself off of the Kelethin platform.

https://i.imgur.com/cRaGRKW.png

There was nothing for it. Filbus HAD to do what the wise elemental guided. 30 seconds later, he had rigged Merchant Weaolanae's entire spot with pretty dope gnomish c4 plastiq explosives. He was getting slower in his old age.

Finally, redemption. Salvation. Yola's revenge.

He raised the mana-gem powered detonator.

He would call his adventure, "The Baker's Avenger."

Click.





BOOM


The explosion was clinical in its destruction. Filbus cackled with laughter as he saw the flaming body of his dead foe burn within the confines of her own home. He fell to his knees and lifted his hands towards the sky. "IS THIS ENOUGH RALLOS?" he cried. "WHAT MORE CAN YOU TAKE FROM ME?!"

That was the moment he realized he was no longer looking at the stars of Greater Faydark. The stars there shone brighter than the rest of Norrath and you could make out the ships of ancient elves who still sometimes roamed the sky. No, he was looking at the sky of the Misty Thicket.

He was back in the Misty Thicket, standing over the body of Yola Sweetcookie. He was in her destroyed hut.

Was this a dream? He knocked out a tooth - a surefire way to wake up from any dream. The tooth came out. No - this was reality. Now he was missing a front tooth.

The elemental brooded in the shadows nearby.

"What have you done to me, elemental?" asked Filbus.

"you killed Yola you fucking idiot," laughed the elemental. "I can't believe you actually fell for it!"

The halfling warlord roared. He reached for his weapons. They weren't there.

"You fell for the oldest trick in the book! The old calcium cock grower pill," crowed the autistic elemental. Autistic people can be very mean.

"Where are my weapons?" Filbus wondered fearfully. His bags were all empty!

The earth elemental stopped laughing. It said in a deep voice, "Now I will show you my true identity, scrub."

Filbus waited a long moment.

"What [true identity]?" he finally asked.

The earth elemental's eyes were blank. "Sorry, I am A.F.K., <Away from Keyboard> right now."

[Lhancelot]

Is this earth elemental Rygar by chance?

[d3r14k]

Is this earth elemental Rygar by chance?

Holy hell, I didn't catch that. A very creative pot shot, if true.

[Lhancelot]

Holy hell, I didn't catch that. A very creative pot shot, if true.

I am inside Skarlorn's brain now. I done figured his insanity out.

[maskedmelon]

would be a interesting twist if the ele was llandris exercisin the fine art of manipulation to bring war to rivervale since he is bound by his oath against doing it himself. he would also then be compelled to destroy Filbus for his attack on the city.

[skarlorn]

https://i.imgur.com/vSzrTIi.jpg

The earth elemental stood triumphant over Filbus Furyfoot. The halfling warlord was on his knees, his hands uselessly putting pieces of Yola back together.

"You're a mess, Yola," Filbus moaned. What had he done? Rallos, what had he done?!

At last, the earth elemental moved. "Sry bout that," it said in a shrill voice, "i had to get my hot pockets."

In an instant, the earth elemental illusion disappeared. A human stood in its place, wearing the robes of a monk. He threw an empty Ball of Golem Clay (https://wiki.project1999.com/Ball_of_Golem_Clay) on the burnt grass of the Thicket.

"It was so easy to dupe you," the monk sneered. He wore an eyepatch and had mid-length golden hair. "Finally, I have destroyed your home. You have destroyed your relationship with your God, and you have killed your Yola! Now, you will serve the will of the Retarded God as my slave!!"

"Who ARE you?" Filbus cried. He stood up, but there was no fight in his voice. Truly, for the first time, Filbus tasted defeat. How had this happened?

The monk cleared his throat. "I am Tekilya Tu'Wang, Grand Archivist and Chronicler of your Adventures and also the Archivist of the Retarded God," he said in an important voice. The human paused for a moment, waiting for a reaction from Filbus.

The halfling picked a booger. "Sorry, who?"

"WHO?" screeched Tekilya "WHO AM I? Surely you have read my great tales which tell the story of your cuckening...." the monk squatted low and raised his hands over his shoulders and carried on in a shrieking autistic voice, "I AM THE GREAT DISCIPLE OF MASTER WU AND I HAVE DESTROYED YOU FILBUS I HAVE FINALLY TURNED YOU INTO MY LITTLE CUCK AND NOW YOU WILL BE MY SERVANT AND WE WILL GO TO LLANDRIS AND YOU WILL MAKE HIM GIVE ME THE SURNAME WU'TANG WHICH IS RIGHTFULLY MINE, AND HE WILL DO THIS FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU DEFEATED HIM. HE WILL NO LONGER BE FORCED TO PROTECT RIVERVALE, AND I WILL HAVE MY PRECIOUS SURNAME!"

Tekilya finished off his rant with a long "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"I see," Filbus thought sagely, "This monk is retarded." The halfling turned to enter Rivervale, but shockingly, found the guards scowling at him.

Tekilya pranced around, farting on the grass. "Bahaha, you stupid cuck, when you thought you were killing wood elves, you were really killing hobbits! Bahaha! Bah ha HA!"

Filbus felt a chill go through him. To what extent had he visited destruction on his people? He snuck into Rivervale and managed to make it all the way into the castle, the annoying Tekilya crowing over his shoulder.

In an instant, Filbus's world changed.

Mayor Gubbin scowled at him, ready to attack.

https://i.imgur.com/ghqaLBK.jpg

Just then, Filbus's invisibility spell faded. Hordes of halfling deputies swarmed him and put handcuffs on him. Filbus did not fight. Gubbin looked at him with hatred.

"How COULD you Filbus? You were supposed to Protect the Vale... not destroy it!"

Filbus had no answer. He let them throw him into the dark dungeons beneath the city. Somehow, Tekilya managed to stay with him every step of the way.

In his dark cell, Filbus was given his last Dinner. Tomorrow would be the execution. He ate the JumJum Stalk thoughtlessly. He was worse than a shady halfling. He deserved to die.

Gubbin would most likely wait for Llandris to come, so that the GM could ban Filbus from ever entering Rivervale again. The warlord hoped that they would just execute him first.

Meanwhile, Tekilya continued bragging about his genius plan. "And then you took the pill, you took the pill you fay gate," purred the monk autistically, "You slept for a whole day... and didn't even realize what had happened when the banker corrected your mistake on your withdrawal slip." Tekilya lit a cigarette of hobbit leaf. He inhaled and blew out a misshapen ring.

Filbus mulled this over as he ate his JumJum and coney. How could he have been so stupid?

Suddenly, it dawned on him.

"GUARDS!" Filbus yelled.

Tekilya looked at him in confusion.

The deputies waddled over. "What is it, M'lord," one of them said. The other stared daggers at his companion. "Er - what is it - prisoner?" The one who spoke corrected himself.

Filbus belched and flung the plate against his cell wall. He strode to the bars, his sizable little belly pressing through the gaps.

"I have been betrayed, and I need your help."

"You've killed half of Rivervale," said the Deputy in astonishment. "You MUST be executed by tickles - or worse, exiled!"

Filbus leaned forward. "No, you see... This human monk tricked me. He gave me a magic pill that made my cock huge (don't tell any of the ladies in town ;) ) , but it also knocked me out for a whole day, while he took me back to Rivervale and used powerful autistic magic to make me think I was purging wood elf scum, not killing halflings."

Tekilya and the Deputies were silent.

"I understand what I've done is wrong," admitted the warlord, "but don't you see? I was deranged. My MR was totally nerfed... I missed a whole day of meals!"

The Deputies gasped.

Tekilya's eyes turned to slits. He assumed his autistic stance.

The Deputies conferred with each other quietly, under their breaths. Filbus sagged against the bars, truly exhausted emotionally and, now that he realized he had missed a FULL day of meals, physically.

No wonder he had been cucked!

Then, the Deputies opened the cage door and clobbered Tekilya with their briarwood clubs. The poor monk shrieked and hollered but he was terribly inept at using his Feign Death and before long he was knocked unconscious, bleeding on the floor.

Filbus smiled. He rolled Tekilya over with his big hairy foot. The monk groaned.

Yola's killer wasn't the elves. It wasn't really Filbus, either. It was this retarded monk.

The halfling warlord's smile turned to ice. "Now we will see who the cuck is," he hissed, unbuckling his pants.

[skarlorn]

Shout out to deriak for helping me get pics for this chapter!

[Baler]

Great read! 5/5 stars!
I really enjoy The Legacy of Filbus.

[Lhancelot]

Portrayal of Tekilya Tu'Wang is hilarious. A great cuckening, indeed. :)

[d3r14k]

Great read. I should have read this at home instead of the office. 7:00 is too early to be getting weird glances because I'm stifling laughter and I'd have a hard time explaining I was laughing about hobbit elf-pal fiction.

I don't understand all the history with the Wu'Tang / Tu'Wang surname fiasco, though. This happened before my time, I assume.

Shout out to deriak for helping me get pics for this chapter!

[Lhancelot]

Mayor Gubbin scowled at him, ready to attack.

https://i.imgur.com/ghqaLBK.jpg



This broke my immersion slightly but the totality of the story easily overwrote this lapse.

Maybe I missed something?

I feel dumb pointing it out. But was he GLARING??? or, SCOWLING?!?!? reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[d3r14k]

Lhance, this is my fault. I tried to get him to scowl, but I'm at ally faction with these guys normally. I punched Gubbin in the face 20 times until I had half the town hall and bankers attacking and casting on me and I had to flee. I think a better way would have been to create a new character where I started at indifferent faction and then attack him? In any case, we can't place any blame on the story for my screenshot shortcomings.

[maskedmelon]

WOAH woah woah woah woahhhhhh...

super neat installment, butt i wanna point out that i am the Chronicler and Archivist of S.O.R.P.

NOT spyds or Tekilya. can't recall if he ever assumed a title.



MISCHIEF!



*walks off to think about this...*

[skarlorn]

i'm very sorry for libeling u like that. I cannot remember his title either but he was Chronicler of something at some point.

Fear not pal, there is 1 more installment in the Breakfast series and i'll spend 50-10,000 words addressing this egregious error

[maskedmelon]

alrighty, i just wanted to point it out ^^;

i remember you were our "yogic caliph, lord of the tummy, he who has seen
The retarded god", Japan was something liek "chief talmundic scholar, department of trolling until you believe your own trolls," and later our dear Pope, FP, was "Fondler of Tomes," and something else I can't recall, kags was "senior rational extremist, wielder of the servers only geerlock shoehorn," and pokes was liek our accountant or something.

guess without screenshots there isn't anyway of figuring it out. oh well!

you don't need to spend 10,000 words on me, it's okay. that is very nice of you though. I've a pen to combat libel too if needed ^^

[skarlorn]

It was definitely going. To be more like 50

[Skew]

I dont know how Snacks handled you and Orna in the same guild. That was some jedi yodi shit he had.

[maskedmelon]

oh, right, of course ^^; 50 ^^;


wut





evssss


^^

[skarlorn]

All of Rivervale sat together at a feast table in between the Fool's Gold and the castle. Filbus Furyfoot, Lord of the Misty Thicket sat at the grand head of all the tables, his hand on Yola's knee. She had respawned. To his left sat Mayor Gubbin. All the other halflings he had unwittingly killed under the evil spell of Tekilya the Autistic Monk were back, too. It was Norrath, after all.

Filbus ate. He ate ravenously. Pork pies and pied pork, pudding pie and pie pudding, pizza and pasta, spaghetti and tortellini, lamb chop, pork chop, beef steak and salmon steak, chocolate chip cookies with Funyuns and Haribo Gummi Bears passed between his lips as an appetizer. He drank gallons of Mead and quarts of milk and many glasses of brandy before he burped mightily and silenced the crowd.

The hobbits looked at him in awe. A whisper ran through the audience. "He went a whole day without food," they said, half in fear and half in admiration.

Filbus pointed at Tekilya, who was bound by chains and smothered in honey. The Deputies brought the prisoner before him.

"What shall I do with the evil monk, who tortured me so cruelly?" asked Filbus to the crowd.

"SLAVERY!"

As he looked upon the addled monk, Filbus felt something in his heart. Was it... was it... pity?

No, this was the feeling of retardation.

Suddenly, the world froze. A fat man wearing a red silk smoking jacket embroidered by golden chinese dragons descended from the sky in a cloud of motorcycle exhaust. He had stained gray sweatpants and on his feet were hand-stitched, Golden Thai Theater shoes.

He landed in the middle of the feast table, his shoes messing up a roast turkey. The fat man queefed, loudly. Finally, the fat man turned to Filbus and the halfling observed that the man's eyes did not look in the same direction.

"This has been a retarded episode in your life," the fat man said. He pushed his tongue through the very large gap between his front teeth. "Very little of it made sense."

Filbus began to reply until he realized that the fat man in the smoking jacket was, in fact, talking to a small dog at the side of the table. He watched as the man with eyes that looked in different directions carried on his conversation with the canine, before darting away to crouch over Tekilya.

Suddenly, the man looked at Filbus with his mismatched gaze. "You must NOT take his cabbages," the fat man said.

"Who are you?" Filbus asked, not for the first time in this story.

The fat man levitated over the table and began taking chunks of boiled crab claws from his pockets and sucking the meat out of them. "I am the Retarded God and this - the lazy plot device - is my domain."

Filbus opened his mouth, but was interrupted. "You cannot speak," the Retarded God said retardedly, "as you will find your potato is ACTUALLY a gnome." Filbus was in shock. His potato WAS a gnome, preventing him from speaking!

"Spyder23 has done well bringing you to me," said the God after a moment spent choking on exoskeleton of crab. "Your gods have forgotten you, Filbus - for you made the egregious mistake of rolling as Agnostic at your character creation back in January of 2013. You thought you served Rallos. You thought you had the favor of Bristlebane, before that. No, little Lordling, you never had their eye.

"The Gods never even KNEW you existed," the fat man with eyes that pointed different ways said in a grave tone.

It was true. In a way, Filbus had always known it. His efforts to seek Divinity had been futile. He was just a murderer. An excellent murderer, but a thug through-and-through.

"What if I told you," began the Retarded God, "That none of this had even really happened? That it was all just a PTSD fantasy, that you never even left your computer room. That's right, Filbus... you aren't even in control of your own mind. You don't even really have PTSD, this is all just the fantastic projections of a human who has opened his third eye and perceived the transgenerational epigenetic trauma of war through his ancestral subconscious and seeks catharsis in the vague swamp of life's meaning."

Filbus had no idea what any of this meant. But, instantly, he knew it to be true.

"Then I must go the way of Frodo, that way Rivervale can be saved," Filbus declared sadly. He did not know why he thought this, but it seemed like the thing heroic thing to say.

With a loud -POOT- the Retarded God vanished and appeared before Filbus. He smelled brackish like shrimp paste. Then he took a syringe out of his pocket. The syringe was filled with a pearlescent liquid and had a long needle. It was God's Seed. He punched Filbus in the throat and stuck the syringe needle into the hobbit's arm, depressed the plunger, and then backed away.

"No, Filbus," said the Retarded God, "I will save you this one time. With this discovery, left to your own devices, you would go mad and become addicted to Goblin Cavespice. A veteran like you with intense Dragon PTSD will go berzerk and bring ruin to all you love. I have saved you..." The Retarded God licked his lips. "I have made you retarded."

A loud static filled the air.

Backing away, the fat man said, "now you will serve ME, Filbus. You are mine..."

Time resumed.

Filbus smiled glumly at Yola. In front of him, on the brown wood, was a piece of yummy looking cake. Cake! MMM. He guffawed and shoved the piece into his mouth.

Filbus loved cake!

[Lhancelot]

Hey Skarlorn, go find Redbeard the book by Michael Resnick.

All of Resnick's shit written after it was either weird or too boring I tried to find more of his stuff later because Redbeard was such a fun and fast read.

The main character, Red Will Donahoe (Redbeard) reminds me so much of Filbus. Redbeard was written quite some time ago, 1970 iirc.

Anyway, it just reminds me so much of Filbus and vice versa I think you'd appreciate that short book a lot.

[Lhancelot]

So you are saying terrible writers like terribly written stories?

I agree. Go read that shit Skarlorn. Cause fuck....i don't even....fuuuuuck....

I don't get what you mean by this. ^

I personally found the story great if you didn't/do not that's ok too.

I just see many correlations between Filbus and Redbeard in their behavior, it's really uncanny.

[Lhancelot]

Scratch the surface, what's under that veiled innocence?

What are you talking about? You sure are a paranoid fellow sometimes.

My post was quite transparent I thought.

I was just humored by Gundumbwing's aggressive and angry position regarding the book Redbeard, and didn't quite understand what he meant other than he did not like the book.

[skarlorn]

Many days have passed since the closing of this strange and retarded Tale.

However, the tides of fate stay still for no man.

Every hour that passes, Filbus grows more in favor with the Retarded One, and Tekilya Wu'Tang grows weaker as long as he does not post in this thread.

[Lulz~Sect]

😬 4 U

[Lhancelot]

I enjoyed this Skarlorn.

My attention span is splintered sometimes and I have to read things more than once to fully soak them in.

I think it's pretty ingenious mixing RL control of the toon in the game with the tale of your actual toon in the game.

You have an extremely unique, descriptive writing style that showcases a very wild imagination that seems to not have much of a ceiling.

Thanks for posting this!

[skarlorn]

Glad you enjoyed, Lhance. It is very fun to share my autistic tales with the community here :)