captnamazing
05-05-2014, 01:40 PM
I am bound in Rivervale. Whenever I eat a death during a raid, I grab a few hundred plat from my bank and try to find an untwinked noob.
Providing there's one, I buy several stacks of booze and start giving the noob handfuls of cash and brandy. Now, keep in mind I'm a good ol' Rivervale boy, so I know the Thicket like the back of Yola Sweetcookie's arsehole.
Wielding a rusty sword in one hand and a bottle of brandy in the other, I compel the noob to follow me "on a grand adventure to cast down the goblin scum!"
Every few hundred yards I turn around and give him/her more plat. This is modeled after behavioral conditioning scientists conduct on rats. It starts at about 10, goes to 15, 20, eventually to 40 or 50 by the time we get to Runnyeye.
At this point I make sure we're both properly drunk. As a good lad of the Vale, my alcohol tolerance is maxed. The poor noob is completely incoherent.
Now comes the fun part. I wade straight into Runnyeye naked, drunk, stabbing goblin scum with a shitty weapon. The noob is getting aggro left and right, but I'm very careful to protect him, doing a lot of "/shout STAY BACK, I'LL SAVE YOU!" which translates into drunkspeak "STERR BONK JEEPS GON DROOBLEY."
After we clear the entry path (so my victim thinks I can handle whatever is ahead) I give him the rest of the plat and have him finish off whatever stack of brandy I'm working on. Then, I lead him straight to the evil eye.
There are way too many goblins at this point. All I can do is make sure I have the aggro, and the unsuspecting noobie is following me, a drunk hobbit and his train of 20+ runnyeye goblins straight to the evil eye chamber.
By the time we jump through that shitty staircase debris, things are proper scary. But, you know, I'm a high level warrior, the noob thinks, clearly I can handle this swarm of goblins and terrifying, disembodied eye.
That's when I accept the rez from the cleric and get teleported back to wherever the raid force is.
I loot my corpse, crying the truest halfling tears over my recovered exp and equipment while I think about the paradox of joy and despair I have just caused.
And I imagine the lonely noob, lost, drunk, and encumbered by pure plat, staring at the evil eye in Runnyeye.
I like to believe that the noob doesn't die immediately. That maybe he becomes the eye's thrall. Cleans the dishes, jacks off the goblins, does stripshows for the eye... all the while having something in the back of his mind telling him - hey, you're rich! You need to escape!
The slave stares forlornly at his morose prison. There are the stairs to his freedom, so close, and yet... then, he notices the evil eye's charm spell wearing off. He makes a break for it, darting off down a tunnel!
As I'm fighting a dragon, I fancy I can hear the echoes of the abandoned noob as he is slashed to ribbons in the depths of Runnyeye, bemoaning the loss of his new found fortune, cursing the day he followed Filbus "the Deceiver" Furyfoot.
Providing there's one, I buy several stacks of booze and start giving the noob handfuls of cash and brandy. Now, keep in mind I'm a good ol' Rivervale boy, so I know the Thicket like the back of Yola Sweetcookie's arsehole.
Wielding a rusty sword in one hand and a bottle of brandy in the other, I compel the noob to follow me "on a grand adventure to cast down the goblin scum!"
Every few hundred yards I turn around and give him/her more plat. This is modeled after behavioral conditioning scientists conduct on rats. It starts at about 10, goes to 15, 20, eventually to 40 or 50 by the time we get to Runnyeye.
At this point I make sure we're both properly drunk. As a good lad of the Vale, my alcohol tolerance is maxed. The poor noob is completely incoherent.
Now comes the fun part. I wade straight into Runnyeye naked, drunk, stabbing goblin scum with a shitty weapon. The noob is getting aggro left and right, but I'm very careful to protect him, doing a lot of "/shout STAY BACK, I'LL SAVE YOU!" which translates into drunkspeak "STERR BONK JEEPS GON DROOBLEY."
After we clear the entry path (so my victim thinks I can handle whatever is ahead) I give him the rest of the plat and have him finish off whatever stack of brandy I'm working on. Then, I lead him straight to the evil eye.
There are way too many goblins at this point. All I can do is make sure I have the aggro, and the unsuspecting noobie is following me, a drunk hobbit and his train of 20+ runnyeye goblins straight to the evil eye chamber.
By the time we jump through that shitty staircase debris, things are proper scary. But, you know, I'm a high level warrior, the noob thinks, clearly I can handle this swarm of goblins and terrifying, disembodied eye.
That's when I accept the rez from the cleric and get teleported back to wherever the raid force is.
I loot my corpse, crying the truest halfling tears over my recovered exp and equipment while I think about the paradox of joy and despair I have just caused.
And I imagine the lonely noob, lost, drunk, and encumbered by pure plat, staring at the evil eye in Runnyeye.
I like to believe that the noob doesn't die immediately. That maybe he becomes the eye's thrall. Cleans the dishes, jacks off the goblins, does stripshows for the eye... all the while having something in the back of his mind telling him - hey, you're rich! You need to escape!
The slave stares forlornly at his morose prison. There are the stairs to his freedom, so close, and yet... then, he notices the evil eye's charm spell wearing off. He makes a break for it, darting off down a tunnel!
As I'm fighting a dragon, I fancy I can hear the echoes of the abandoned noob as he is slashed to ribbons in the depths of Runnyeye, bemoaning the loss of his new found fortune, cursing the day he followed Filbus "the Deceiver" Furyfoot.